Here we go again — we’re only one episode down, and murky loyalties are already being exposed on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The cast Boca trip picks up with the déclassé food fight, ignited by the cast convict, Teresa. The evening was supposed to be a celebration of Melissa’s birthday, but nosedived into a hot, sticky, sugary mess that left party planner, Siggy, totally humiliated. “We’re gonna have to explain to the restaurant we’re from Jersey!” Siggy yelled through tears. Thirsty newbie, Margaret, shot a bold “take it down a notch” diss at Siggy, but was quickly slammed with the classic Jersey comeback — “Go f*ck yourself!”
The ladies begin the morning after by nursing their hangovers, and catching up with their families back home. Teresa’s four daughters are staying with her father — Papa Gorga — the girly ruckus brightening up the widower’s new reality. Melissa calls her hubby, Joe, to rehash the cake hurl and slam Siggy for being oversensitive to women behaving like “wild animals.” Siggy, on the other hand, recounts the drama to her husband without insulting the other women, simply sharing that her feelings are hurt.
Back in the garden state, Dolores’ ex, Frankie, is breaking his son’s balls over college application procrastination. The pressure is on, and Frank pleads with his boy to get his rear in gear or else!
Margaret and Danielle later join cake-tossing divas, Teresa and Melissa, and head to the beach. Despite Siggy introducing Marg
Teresa stretches into a downward dog pose, which invites a flashback of another Housewife fraudster — Donkey Booty workout anyone? She claims that yoga has taught her how to be “positive” — evidently positively passionate about talking smack behind a friend’s back and face-smashing pricey pastry.
Margaret makes an awkwardly bold gesture of ass-kissery — gifting Teresa
Meanwhile, Siggy and Dolores are still reeling from the whizzing cake bombs, and meet at a juice bar to debrief. Siggy tries to wrap her head around the ladies’ behavior, a tough task because her friends “embarrassed” her. She explains that she was just trying to do something special for Melissa, and in return was disrespected. Dolores supports her friend and gives some wise advice — to warn the ladies to be on their best behavior at an upcoming visit to Siggy’s best friend’s house. In other words, play nice or get strung up by a tennis racket.
We take a brief detour back home, to check in with Papa Gorga, Joe, and the kiddos. Joe delivers a takeout dinner for everyone, and the clan engages in a convo about teen dating. Meanwhile, back in Florida, the cast drives to Siggy’s friend’s house for a day of leisure — but the awkward tension in the van is suffocating. When the group arrives at Laurie’s fabulous home, Siggy gently warns the
children women to behave themselves before entering the door. Teresa is immediately offended by the spot-on etiquette lesson, but will certainly not turn down the fab food and free champagne.
They all sit down to lunch, and Laurie is a gracious host, even arranging for a lifeguard to accommodate nervous non-swimmer, Teresa. Mesmerized by the
real money opulent scenery, they engage in light conversation, but the mood quickly sours when Danielle rubs Margaret’s
After lunch, the group splits up — Siggy, Dolores, and
criminal Teresa, porn star Danielle, and failed pop star Melissa watch Tere flirt doggy paddle with an attractive swim instructor with a man bun, tattoos and a ripped body. Danielle Staub is back on the RHONJ scene with a nipped and tucked mug only a mother could love —bringing the fireworks and hot lava in her genitals — primed to turn any discussion to sex.
Siggy excuses herself to pull Laurie aside to rehash the cake throwing debacle, and her friend reinforces the obvious — the birthday bashers are classless pigs! Simultaneously, Margaret uses the time alone with Dolores to launch into gossip about Siggy. Margaret’s bid for rookie of the year flops, when Dolores calls her out for not including Siggy in the memorial — shutting down the chatter, before peacing out.
Later that evening, the ladies spiffy up for a group dinner at Siggy’s Boca condo. Cast alliances have been clearly established — Siggy and Dolores vs Teresa, Melissa, Danielle and Margaret. Margaret stirs the pot on the way to dinner by telling Teresa, Melissa and Danielle about her earlier discussion with Dolores, on the tennis court. She labels Dolores Siggy’s puppet —
The group arrives at Siggy’s home, and Siggy has gone all out for her guests — even hiring a personal chef to make the night extra special. Immediately Siggy and Teresa sit down for a chat and Teresa’s stubborn attitude makes an appearance. After dinner, Siggy addresses the elephant in the room — the dreaded cake massacre. Siggy wants an apology, but is instead slammed with accusations about things she said to the ladies that night. Siggy doesn’t remember her exact words, and Dolores backs her up, making it clear that she’s Team Siggy. Dolores’ words shock Teresa, who expects loyalty — because she considers Dolores a sister and a diehard cheerleader.
The ladies all pile on Siggy, but the mom of two claps back, accusing them of kissing Teresa’s ass. Margaret
Melissa jumps in, and accuses Siggy of talking down to the ladies, and Siggy blasts Melissa for doing the same. Melissa labels Siggy a downer — and the hostess doesn’t back down — snapping back with a verbal Jersey sin — referring to the women’s behavior as “trash.” Apparently, “trash” and “stupid” are fightin’ words to Jersey girls (who knew?), and an ugly shouting match ensues. The prostitution whore shifts into full blown thug mode — slamming her fist on the table, dramatically warning Siggy to never to utter that word again.
Siggy delivers a delightfully savage comeback without blinking a fake eyelash — chanting “Trashy…Trashy…Trashy!!!” The dumpster diss sends Melissa into hysterics, and she accuses Siggy of using drugs to amp her reality game. Melissa explodes, and she storms towards the exit with Teresa nipping at her heels, yipping that no one better speak to her
trashy sister-in-law that way. Margaret and Danielle
Tune in next week when Siggy and Margaret face off!