Buenos dias, y’all! We are with The Real Housewives of Dallas in Mexico on day one of their vacation. The girls are getting their bathing suits on and going to the beach for tacos and tequila – the breakfast of champions. Kameron gives Cary a backhanded compliment about how cute her teeny tiny bikini is that she’d never ever wear even if her little ole life depended on it. And Brandi brought a chocolate brown dildo to sneak into D’Andra’s beach bag because she’s a child. Arriba!
Cary and D’Andra are the only ones brave enough to shoot Tequila with a worm, though Cary chokes on hers and can’t swallow the worm. And this is not a metaphor for her sex life Mark. It really happened. Next, D’Andra discovers the dildo in her bag. She immediately knows it was from Brandi and places it in the middle of the table. Kameron is completely grossed out so Brandi chases her around the beach with it. She obviously isn’t used to something so huge.
After the fun, Kameron tells Brandi she was raised a certain way, implying not in a trailer park. Or is it inferring? Anyway, it’s clear Brandi and Kameron define fun differently. One is crude and the other is prude.
Brandi, Stephanie and Cary stay on the beach while the other three women go to their rooms, all ready to gossip. Go! Cary tells Brandi she wasn’t being rude chasing a girl down the beach with a dildo who asked her repeatedly to stop. Not at all. Upstairs D’Andra says that she didn’t mind the dildo, but as soon as Kameron said she was uncomfortable, that dildo should have been buried in the sand. LeeAnne says this is typical tacky behavior when Brandi and Stephanie get drunk together. Awesome! Cary says she heard Rich has the world’s smallest penis. Umm, Cary, maybe you shouldn’t throw shade since your man likes to get sucked at The Round Up. Jes sayin.
As LeeAnne and D’Andra get ready to go to dinner, LeeAnne tells her that she’s officially engaged to Rich and flashes the ring. D’Andra tears up when she sees it. The two bond over the fact that they won’t die alone now.
LeeAnne’s boobs are bleeding because a stitch or two popped out. Thanks for sharing. Get some glue. Dinner is outdoors and Cary says there are more surprises ahead, but not to worry, nothing offensive to Kameron’s sensibilities. Brandi is like, Girl has a corn cob lodged up her ass. Kameron fires back in her eloquent baby voice that she’s not the girl that goes to strip clubs and dances on stage. Oh no she di’ent!
Stephanie asks Kameron why she’s being Judge Judy. Kameron says she’s not. She really wants to know why Brandi, a mother of two girls, would do that. Brandi says she doesn’t judge people because she doesn’t have a “Highland-effing-Park zip code.” Oh yes she did!
However, I’m very distracted by Brandi’s smudged eyeliner. Why didn’t one of the women tell her to wipe under her eyes. Thankfully Cary burps which is a natural segue way for LeeAnne to whip out her engagement ring and announce she’s finally, after all this time, just when she thought it would never happen, is getting married someday. The girls ask for champagne and congratulate LeeAnne.
LeeAnne and D’Andra wake up early the next morning because they forgot to close the drapes. They decide to go to breakfast just the two of them. So you would think this would be a happy time for LeeAnne, instead she decides to get all worked up about Cary – once again. Meanwhile, Cary is meditating and doing yoga poses on the beach, unaware bad vibes are being sent her way. D’Andra says LeeAnne is taking the bait every time. She tells LeeAnne to take a chill pill so she doesn’t go coco loco.
Up in the suite, Stephanie and Brandi take a champagne bubble bath together. There are so many bubbles you almost can’t see them, darn it. Kameron, LeeAnne and D’Andra go to the spa because that’s how they role – all uppity like that. Stephanie doesn’t understand why Kameron doesn’t like Brandi, being so classy and all. Here’s the thing, y’all, Brandi is like a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 – not for everyone – but fun for some.
It’s time for the dinner from hell, bats included. The cave restaurant looks really cool. Brandi suggests they play the game 2 truths and 1 lie. Brandi says: 1) in junior high she shaved the back of her head to be cool, 2) in college she pierced her nipple to see if she could win Bryan back, 3) puts Italian dressing on a lot of her food. The girls say the second one is not true and they win because this was boring. Cary says she doesn’t want to play this game. She wants to use her time in a different way. Here we go!
Cary wants to know from LeeAnne if it’s true – like Brandi said – that 1) she wants to strangle her and, 2) she doesn’t need knives because she has hands. LeeAnne admits she said numero dos. Let’s drink more Tequila, pronto!
And just when you think the girls are going for LeeAnne, the Caribbean winds shift and now they’re going for Cary. Brandi says this was all Cary’s fault at the Honest Tea party due to her comments about LeeAnne’s vagina boob doctor. Brandi explains this wasn’t the first time Cary has slandered a doctor. Cary denies saying that the doctor Brandi used for her mommy makeover killed people on the operating table. Cary calls Brandi a liar and says she only said “do her research.” I’m pretty sure the truth is in the middle. Stephanie tries to stick up for her pal Brandi and says she was told this by Brandi as well, but no one listens because this is hearsay. And because it’s obvious Stephanie is still up Brandi’s ass.
Tune in next time when more mierda takes place with the women in Mexico.