The Real Housewives of New York concluded Wednesday night, with the final installment of the Season 9 reunion series. What did we all learn?
Andy Cohen likes it dirty.
The gals giggle and titter over oral sex, butt sex, stinging sex, Catholic sex, photo sex, pirate sex, teen sex, and sexless sex. The cast and their host are delighted — the viewers — maybe not.
First graders and soft-core porn don’t go together.
Ramona is busted for dragging Bryn into the reality dialogue, but has an explanation rehearsed, locked and loaded. Ramona’s tone tuns serious before explaining that her friend dragged Bethenny’s old porn gig into her consciousness, which triggered a haunting memory of young Avery’s troubling experience with Alex McCord’s published spread eagle. It was all about concerned empathy, Ramona says — not kicking off season-long hysteria. Bethenny and Ramona bicker over timelines, and the credibility of Ramona’s compassionate mommy monologue. Ramona’s swears that it’s as true as her tirelessly kind motives, but admits that her clunky delivery could use a spruce. Ramona is always there for Bethenny, especially when she’s weak from blood loss. Bethenny advises her to cut the “what to say” lessons, and Luann agrees that Ramona should have backed away from mixing kids into hyped reality drama.
Ramona always comes from a place of kindness — except when she starts at a place of mean.
Ramona declares that her motives are always good, because she has lots of friends, and always remembers to bring the hummus. Bethenny dramatically blames Ramona’s mouth for decimating her life and career — and throws in universe pollution, for good measure. Bethenny reminds viewers that she has remained innocently restrained this season, but shades Ramona’s biz right back, in the next breath. Bethenny makes Ramona “nervous” — a state Bethenny translates as “disgusting and malicious.” Ramona owns it — and continues to reiterate that her “delivery” needs work — and sobriety. Ramona denies being jealous because after all, she was “self-made” seven years younger than Bethenny. Ramona notes that she and Bethenny are practically twins, but Bethenny objects, reminding viewers of Ramona’s big-mouthed thievery over the past decade. Ramona admits that she’s had an especially “bad year” but has since found renewed happiness. The two bicker over who’s the least miserable, and Luann points out that Ramona’s apologies don’t always fly. Luann and Dorinda support Bethenny, and Ramona confesses that she was blinded by a rage/booze cocktail, allegedly chased by Xanax. Bethenny and Ramona agree to not-not-not like/hate each other, and to stay out of each other’s way forever.
Sonja ain’t Tinsley’s mama.
The Tinsley vs. Sonja drama is hashed out, and the cast weighs in on the roomie relationship gone bad. Tinsley sold Sonja a bill of goods, and in return, Sonja smothered Tinsley like a wayward intern. Tinsley just wanted to be received as an equal, not as a needy mugshot. Tinsley resents being treated like a child, and Sonja admits that she was hard on her. Tinsley arrived in NYC beaten and betrayed, and didn’t appreciate being sold out to the press as a déclassé guest. Sonja is dubbed a press monger, and Tinsley is labeled a shady party thrower. Sonja admits that she’s one tough landlady — who always appreciates a loaded gift card. The duo’s friendship is in limbo, but Sonja and Tinsley still share a mutual affection.
Skinny tequila means naked crazy.
The epic trip to Mexico is rewound — the nudity, blood, arguments, tears and tumbles all singing in perfect Bravo harmony. Luann wins the all-time franchise MVP award for her fantastically cheerful tumble into the bushes, only topped her drunken strut off a patio ledge. The cast high-fives over their ability to hold their booze, as Bethenny cheerleads the branded trip into next season. Ramona admits that her grubby room grab made her look like an asshole, and promises to snag the master suite, next trip. Sonja admits to mauling all of the women, except Ramona, because that would cross the line into incest territory. Bethenny makes sure to speak for everyone — labeling her Skinny tequila trip the best trip ever taken by any Bravo human.
The cast wraps with a season ending round of “rose and thorn.” Every response is what you might guess — many with one common thread — leaving things neat and tidy with the head B-I.
What are your roses and thorns of Season 9? Did anything beat Luann’s “tumble in the garden?” Sound off in the comments!