We join Little Women Couples Retreat right where we left off – with monkey ass Lila facing planting the floor after being pushed to the ground by heifer Tonya. And it’s on! Lila takes a swipe, but Tonya pushes her to the ground for a second time.
And it’s off! Everyone is telling Lila she’s the problem because she’s a drunk. Lila’s mop head boyfriend is completely useless and doesn’t come to her aid because he’s too busy finishing his drink. Priorities.
The following morning, Tonya meets with Jazmine to get her take on drunk Lila. Tonya says she’s willing to apologize because it shouldn’t have gotten out of hand like it did. Jazmine says something is definitely wrong with Lila because if she were happy she wouldn’t be drinking again.
Briana is totally loving the fact that another couple is more messed up than they are and Matt is ecstatic he’s not the biggest douche for once. Briana thinks Lila just wants to be with a man, any man. Sound familiar, Briana? It should because it’s like looking in a funhouse mirror. Someone knocks on the door and gives Briana and Matt an invite to the next couples’ activity which will require them to express themselves. Fingers crossed honesty won’t be required.
The couples meet up to find seven art stations set up with paint and flowers but no brushes. They change clothes and return wearing beige shirts and shorts. Guess who’s missing? When our groovy guru, asks what happened to Lila and her human mop, Brian, the group goes quiet. Christy, the girl with no voices, does the talking and explains that Lila is a recovering alcoholic who is now drinking after fighting with Tonya and herself. Moving on, the exercise is to nonverbally convey their feelings through art. The couple begins painting, and Todd bravely removes his shirt, risking infection, so Christy can paint a big happy face on his stomach. Guruvy is impressed. Next, he goes to Tonya and Kerwin who painted on canvas. Tonya’s painting expresses the rollercoaster darkness of their relationship. Kerwin has painted a man running away, though he says it’s a man compromising – while running away.
For Chris and Andrea their art could actually hang on grandma’s wall. There’s a happy sun, a rainbow with a heart, mixed with the black and gray of bad choices and jail, but then Andrea rescued Chris from a life of negativity. Guruvy tells Chris that in order to be a good father he must first be a good man. Chris nods, pretending he knows what the hell Guruvy is talking about.
Todd chokes back the tears as he expresses the dark times of Christy’s botched neck surgery and how she can no longer sing. Guruvy tells them to focus on the good days because a moment can become a season and a season can become a lifetime and a lifetime can become a prison sentence.
There will be a talent show tonight, but first we check in on Lila and Brian who can’t get out of bed and are sulking around because they are hungover heartbroken no one has come to apologize. Guruvy stops by to check in on the drunk birds, but only Lila goes to talk with him, Mophead wants to give them their privacy. WTF, Dude? Be part of it. Think of the talent show. Lila tells Guruvy last night’s fight was over the fact that someone overheard she and Brian are not actually together. Umm, no it wasn’t. The fight was because you got drunk and called Tonya a monkey ass. Guruvy says bring in mophead. So in strolls Brian who confirms he wants to go home and doesn’t want to force a square peg in a short round hole. It’s decided, he and Lila are leaving. Nooo! Don’t go. Who will we make fun of? Please stay!
Over at Briana and Matt’s villa, they are discussing what to do for the talent show. Since Matt and Briana have zero talent the decision is easy, they will do nothing. Over at Todd and Christy’s, they’re too busy scrubbing pink paint off, but obviously their talent won’t be singing.
Briana goes to check on Lila. Why oh why? Shouldn’t it be Christy or Jaz? She’s surprised to see Lila’s packing. Briana says she’s worried about Lila’s relapse. Lila confesses she started drinking again before she met Brian, he just expanded it. Next Briana tells Lila that not any man should fill the void within and she has worth. Are you kidding me? Are You Kidding Me? Are. You. Kidding. Me? Lila smiles for the first time in a long time because she realizes, at the end of the day, she’s not stuck with a man like Matt. Goodbye Lila, we will miss your sloppy drunkenness!
It’s time for the Little Couples Talent Show! Jazmine and David begin with an interpretation of the best day of his life – when they met. First place. Next up is a ventriloquist act with Christy and Todd. This is very special because they are both playing the part of the dummy. Second place. Onto Tonya and Kerwin who lazily sing Happy Anniversary in honor of themselves. Gong! The next act is the tiny twins giving lap dances for their men. Gong! Gong! Now it’s Briana and Matt’s turn. What’s that Matt and Briana? You’re too cool for an amateur talent show? So much for being ride or die. Matt blames Briana for being “stage shy.”
Guruvy lets them off the hook when Matt says they are there to work on themselves, not to work with the others. And though I hate to say this, Matt kind of has a point. There should be more counseling, these couples are a mess. Guruvy thanks everyone who actually participated for stepping outside their comfort zones because this proves they are willing to go to the depths. Mmm-hmm. Briana takes Christy and Jazmine aside to tell them Lila and Brian bailed. Christy is bummed that Lila didn’t tell her and Tonya is disappointed Lila left before she could apologize, but oh well.
Tune in next time when Matt gets his ass checked – we hope! Tell me what you think so far. Are you sad to see Lila leave? Will any of the couples be better off after this retreat? And why didn’t they include any of the couples from Dallas?