On TLC’s spin-off Little Women: LA: Couples Retreat — Tonya, Briana, Christy, the Tiny Twins, Lila, and Jazmin head to the tropics with their significant others to work on their relationships. The couples participate in adventurous excursions that push them out of their comfort zones and force them to face their issues head on.
Here’s the backstory on Couples Retreat, Tonya reached out to a relationship “guru,” named Hasani Pettiford but we’ll just call him Guruvy because he is. Tonya heard about his healing powers from a hack named Terra trusted close friend and wanted to set something up to help other little couples who are struggling. Along for the ride (or die) are Briana and Matt, also from LA; the tiny twins Amanda and Andrea, and their boyfriends from Atlanta; Jazmin and her husband David from NYC; and Christy and Todd also from LA. It’s when latecomers Christy and Todd arrive that we see Lila and a very large mop named Brian, both from NYC, are the uninvited guests.
Tonya is pissed because she can’t stand Lila. And wait until she hears not only have Lila and Mophead broken up, they’ve only known each other for six months. Heifer’s gonna loose it!
The little couples go check out their digs in the colorful villas. Not a bad place to park it for two weeks, but is that enough time for these loons to repair their relationships? Probably not, but like Kerwin says, if you can’t leave with more love than when you came, man you got problems. And these couples do.
Starting with Lila and Brian. Brian is a stand-up comedian who travels all the time. I’m sure Lila is an endless source of material for him. In their villa, Lila asks Brian, while playing with a condom packet, if he’s been with anyone since they broke up. Here’s Brian response, “Ummmmmm, maybe?” Typically comedians are quick with a comeback, but not Brian. Here’s the crazy thing about this couple, Brian likes to drink and Lila, a recovering alcoholic, has decided she can now handle having “just one” cocktail. Trouble is brewing!
Amanda and Jordan are the cutest couple of this motley crew. They have fun with the gift basket like it’s Christmas. Amanda and Jordan met two years ago at da club and have been together ever since. Amanda is ready to get married and start popping dem babies out, but Jordan thinks they need to work on a few things first. Like the fact that he doesn’t want to get married or have babies.
Twin sister Andrea and her boyfriend Chris are sassy. Each thinks the other is to blame and needs to change. They’ve been knowing each other for seven years, have two kids and fight like a couple of kids. The reason Chris continually walks out on Andrea and the kids is because he doesn’t want to make things worse. Dude, help a mom out. When you leave at least take one kid with you.
Jazmin and David have been in a slump and feel this retreat is all they need to get back on track. They’ve been married for five years and together for 10. So far they seem to be the kindest and calmest of the couples, but their passion has waned. Such is life. But they are looking forward to the fiesta dinner so they can eat, which they both still love to do, so at least they’ve got that going for them.
We all know about the dysfunction of Matt and Briana. He likes to send dick pics to random women and she likes to punish him until the day he dies. Matt and Briana have been married for two years and have a baby together. Recently, Matt was caught cheating with a bartender in Alaska so their current status is: working on it, but Matt says they truly love abusing each other.
It’s fiesta time! Brian, who didn’t rake his hair, plans to drink his dinner tonight. Lila joins him with a glass of merlot – because it’s good for her! Don’t judge. This is clearly a healthy heart decision. But Christy is shocked. She knows Lila can’t handle her alcohol.
Guruvy tells the group that tomorrow will be their first big activity that will test their ability to work together as couples. This has epic fail written all over it. Since it’s starting to rain, Tonya and Kerwin invite the couples back to their villa for a group toast. Everyone except Lila. Here’s the thing, Tonya doesn’t like a sober Lila, let alone drunk Lila. Tonya decides to have the why’d-you-bring-that-heifer-here talk with Christy who is still struggling with her vocals. Tonya explains this retreat can’t help Lila. She needs serious help and no one is qualified in psycho-trippin-ology. They have goals to achieve. Christy says she has a big mouth heart, but Tonya calls her disrespectful. Christy knew this would put a damper on things. Christy says she’ll have a talk with Lila.
The following morning on the beach it’s time for the first task. The couples will build a raft, then row it out to the buoy, then bring it back and run to the finish line. Guruvy says it takes teamwork to make the dreamwork. Thank you, wise one. And they’re off! There are no instructions, but the couples need to tie a piece of plywood to an inner tube with rope and PVC. Nobody is communicating, some are fighting, and some are just letting one person take over. Once in a while Guruvy will say, That’s not right, but that’s all the guidance they get from their guide. First up with completed rafts are Christy and Todd and Andrea and Chris. Todd repeatedly calls out to Christy in the water, “Honey be careful” and Christy repeatedly falls. The winners are Chris and Andrea! What do they get? Nothing! Not even a trip to the spa. Guruvy tells the group to have fun and relax on the beach – except for Amanda and Jordan. Ruh-roh!
Guruvy sits them down and wants to know why Amanda doesn’t speak up (like her sister) and speak her mind. This acknowledgement causes Amanda to cry. There are two reasons Amanda holds back 1) she doesn’t want to look stupid and 2) she doesn’t want to hurt or make others mad. Guruvy tells Jordan he must to create a safe environment so Amanda can look stupid and make him mad. Good session. Thanks Guruvy!
Onto dinner where Tonya invites everyone except Lila and Mop. Lila is drinking a strawberry daiquiri, but not slurring her words, though she is getting loud. When Jazmin goes to the other side of the restaurant to say hi to Lila and asks her to join them, Lila explains that it’s cold over there. Brr. Jazmin tells Lila that her showing up was a surprise for Tonya. Lila says three times, “DOES SHE OWN PUERTO RICO?” Girl, please. It was a set up. We get it. Move on.
Tonya is like, Heifer better watch her attitude, so Christy goes over to have that talk with Lila. Tonya hovers nearby with crossed arms, waiting to pounce. When Christy asks why she’s drinking, Lila calls Christy and Todd food addicts which she thinks is way worse than being a mean drunk. Tonya says, hold on heifer, you need to check yourself into a real rehab. And Lila is on the attack. Lila says to Tonya, “Everyone has a monkey on their ass.” Technically it’s monkey on their back, but if Lila had just stopped there, it wouldn’t have been so bad. Lila then says to Tonya, “Everyone’s a monkey ass, including you.”
Tonya is ready to cut a bitch and after Lila calls her an “old-ass hag.” Tonya tells Lila to take her money ass home or a smack down is coming her way. Lila says, “Do it” and Tonya does it. She pushes her chair and Lila goes to the ground with a thud.
Let the healing begin!
Tune in next week for more idiot blunders in paradise on Little Women Couples Retreat. For now, what did you think of the first episode? Who needs the most help? Who needs the least? Sound off below.