It’s time for a high-drama fiesta on this week’s Real Housewives of New York — because the ladies are Mexico bound. Bethenny has the flu, and Ramona’s face looks worse than Bethenny’s puke bucket. Ramona timed a chemical peel with a filmed cast trip — a poetic ode to Bethenny’s bloody back-out of Season 8. Two groups drive to the villa while swapping comments about south of the border fast food and cast sex — always a winning combo. Tinsley dishes that she shacked up with dream-nerd Scott for five days, revealing that putting out stat scored her a trip to Miami. Sonja shares an unsettling tale about a dick-pic mystery text — adding that the photo was too magnificent to delete.
The group arrives at the luxury villa, and the oceanside palace is gorgeous. Bethenny knows that such grandeur will surely thwart a room scramble — but we all know that she’s dead wrong. Ramona and Sonja are off to the races, because everyone knows that the rascally duo always deserves the very best room. The ladies meet the eager staff, while Sonja and Ramona case the place. Bethenny can’t believe that the pair is acting like themselves — and soon informs them that their shtick isn’t going to fly.
Bethenny proclaims Ramona a grabby twat, as Bravo rewinds Ramona’s twattiest reality moments. Bethenny solves the problem by holding a room lottery — and it works like a charm. Sonja comments that Bethenny is a premeditative party pooper, as Tinsley and Lu score the top picks. Ramona knows that she’s screwed, and Tinsley bows to the boss, gifting the hostess with her winning number.
Ramona and Sonja bash Tinsley for not repaying Sonja with her golden key, and Carole offers her pick to the highest bidder, before they’re shown their rooms. Bethenny boots Ramona and Sonja’s sprayed belongings out of her room, as Luann scores her own beautiful space. Sonja bitches at Tinsley like a bitter loser, too caught up to notice that she’s complaining about a luxury mansion. Sonja moans and groans about navigating stairs as an aging boozer, while Ramona tries to bully Dorinda out of her room. They bitch and bicker, and the spectacle is unbelievable.
Ramona and Sonja finally settle on the guest house, and immediately bury staff members with more demanding chatter, only made bearable by wads of cash. They declare that they’re being penalized for their endless devotion (at least this season) — a new theory in their loopy repertoire.
Dorinda delivers a Ladies of London balloon game rewind, before several of the women gather to swap snark by the pool. Tinsley re-complains that she’s expected to constantly kowtow to her packrat landlady. Dorinda shares that she’s ready to hit the sheets, because her booze-soaked blackout schedule has been rudely interrupted. Ramona and Sonja exchange oceanside love affirmations, while Bethenny opines that Ramona’s black heart pollutes Sonja’s kind one. Tinsley analyzes Sonja’s miffed head twitches from a distance, while Carole offers amused play by play commentary.
Bravo delivers a frightening closeup of Ramona’s mangled face — a perfect payback edit for the first torturous half of the episode. Tinsley and Carole snark over the sappy spectacle, but Sonja and Ramona are immersed in girl-love, and happy to be there. As the ladies take hours to drag down to dinner, we hear that Page Six is about to serve up more tea on the cast freeloader, Tinsley. Tinsley suspects that Ramona is ratting out her alleged ingratitude, hyping the snoozy subject into the drama stratosphere. Sonja whispers that Tinsley is up the B-i’s butt, because she’s been there herself, more than once.
Carole and Tinsley share the tabloid drama with Bethenny, who brushes off Tinsley’s melodramatic reaction.
The ladies are 90 minutes late, but finally gather at the dinner table. Luann arrives plastered, and shares that Dorinda is passed out, with a chair shoved under her locked doorknob. Bethenny throws out some snappy zingers about Ramona’s massacred mug, warming up the ladies for a snarky cast dinner. Sonja and Ramona finally appear, nipples covered and barfly chic. The pair smothers Bethenny with forced compliments, which her rolling eyes do not accept. Luann thanks Bethenny for pulling together the trip, but Ramona objects, on Bravo’s behalf. Bethenny blasts her for the argumentative input, and Tinsley grabs the tense moment to bellow at Sonja for the Page Six tea. Sonja agrees that Tinsley is a déclassé houseguest, but denies tipping off the press.
Luann slurs out her crack analysis — adding some bonus bleary-eyed blinks to really sell it. Tinsley screeches her “lovely houseguest” defense, before exiting to gasp and sob in a closet. Bethenny points out that Sonja is a backstabbing press monger, before Tinsley launches into a fresh round of hysterical sniffles. Bethenny changes the subject, slamming Sonja for being a room whore accomplice. Sonja admits that the pizza-faced twat’s behavior can create problems, but Mexico is the perfect place to join in. Bethenny points out that Sonja is an equal pain in the ass, and hopelessly out of touch.
We stagger over to Ramona and Luann, who are drunkenly talking over the cast hysteria. They agree that Sonja is the best, and Ramona thinks that Tinsley is out of line for saying otherwise. Ramona labels herself a naive, optimistic angel, and Luann almost rolls her eyes into premature unconsciousness. Bethenny proclaims Ramona and Sonja mean/old hag-ladies, while Luann delivers a pro hula-hooper’s intro, before toppling into the bushes.
Luann sloshed in shrubbery is indeed a rare visual, and the friends share a good giggle. Luann decides that righting herself isn’t happening, so she waves her legs in a graceful SOS formation, signaling two staffers to haul her out. Luann follows the act by strutting off a ledge — almost breaking an ankle with the spot-on encore.
Luann takes a bow and calls it a night, while Bethenny continues to scold Sonja for too much yakking, and not enough sane absorption. The ladies break their drama-huddle, and stagger off to their beloved rooms to sleep it off — before starting the next round in the A.M.
The Mexico drama has only just begun — so hang on tight!