The Real Housewives of New York kicks off in Vermont, where Dorinda is finally being reunited with her forgotten underwear. The ladies are excited to hit the slopes, except Dorinda, who wants to keep her hips whole and bikini-ready for the upcoming Tequila fest. Bethenny makes nice with Tinsley after blasting her the night before — the Skinnygirl image repair tour still underway. Ramona serves breakfast, and the ladies gather round to kick off the morning snark. Sonja announces that she’s “transitioning” into accepting that Lu and Tom are forever hitched, and Lu, clearly losing patience, jumps on Sonja for once again shading her marriage. Sonja admits that she’s defined by zany glibness and relaxed inappropriateness, and plans to continue her shtick until Luann takes her out for good. Dorinda reminds her that it’s rude to sexually banter about Tom, but Sonja rejects having to exist under such stringent regulations. Ramona and Sonja squabble about vacay housekeeping, obviously still bitter that Dorinda scored the best room.
The group takes off to conquer the mountain, and Ramona and Sonja link up with their instructors. Ramona immediately scoops up the youngest stud, leaving Sonja with the unacceptably age-appropriate partner. Ramona can ski, and admits that she really is just paying the teacher to flirt, and adore her company on camera. Dorinda and Carole hang back in the lodge, settling in for a gossip sesh. Bethenny is rocking a Skinnygirl snowboard, natch, and Luann continues to complain about Sonja’s obsession with her wedded bliss. Luann throws in a jab at Bethenny’s branded accessories, while Ramona bats her eyelashes at Tim, the dreamy ski pro. Luann agrees to be a part-timer on the next trip, and Bethenny suggests that she drag Ramona along, to get her off the hook. Luann shrugs, and agrees.
Ramona enjoys playing the coquettish beginner, while the others prepare to swish down the mountain. Back in the lodge, Carole and Dorinda titter about Tinsley’s issues, as Tinsley terrorizes Ramona on the slopes. Lu and Bethenny bond over their love for skiing, while Dorinda and Carole bond over jabbering about Bethenny’s rogue ex-husband. Carole dishes that Jason was arrested for stalking, as Dorinda marvels at Bethenny’s ability to squeeze high drama into her harrowing schedule. Carole continues to ramble on and on about Bethenny’s plight, while Ramona strikes a ski bunny pose next to poor Tim. Bethenny spills to Lu and Tinsley that Ramona’s nasty digs are not lost on her, and shares her concern about Ramona’s big mouth polluting Mexico.
Meanwhile, Tim has been upgraded to “good friend” status, but immediately discovers a common bond with Dorinda. Ramona is annoyed, but gushes over Tim’s attention to detail, after dismissing him to fulfill her drink order. Ramona continues to boss Tim around, trying out her sexy boss-lady strategy. Tinsley shares that she’s on antidepressant meds as she sips her cocktail — noting that she should be cutting out the booze. Dorinda gives Bethenny kudos for not torturing them all with divorce snoozery, obviously blacking out Bethenny’s meltdown in the Berkshires. Ramona slams her grubby bare feet up on the table, only because Tim has disappeared — clearly grabbing his first chance at a clean getaway.
The ladies arrive back at the chalet, and Dorinda immediately hits the sheets to recharge her liver for that evening. Carole and Bethenny talk over the startling Jason drama, as the restauranteur cooking staff arrives, to execute Ramona’s dinner demands. Meanwhile, Ramona is working on Sonja’s hairdo, as Lu chats with the duo about the upcoming Tequila trip. Ramona hears that she was demoted to Lu’s level, and will only be allowed to participate on a part-time basis — surely blowing her chances at scoring the master bedroom. Dorinda dubs Tinsley a pro-shopper and daytime boozer, an amusing observation coming from the smashed afternoon napper of the cast. In the next room, Ramona effectively ruins Sonja’s hair, while remaining hopeful that a few exchanged glances with the B-I means their friendship lives. Down in the kitchen, the chefs are cooking up a storm, and the boss-lady joins, jumping around like a bunny, cheering them on. Ramona slobbers all over Bethenny every chance she gets — and the desperation is real.
The ladies sit down to the fancy dinner, and decide on an ice-breaking game of Truth or Dare. Carole kicks it off with everyone’s favorite dinner topic — anal sex. Tinsley openly admits that some tear-stained backdoor action occurred during her marriage. Sonja’s face twists, undoubtedly triggered by grubby pirate flashbacks. Dorinda is appalled that Tinsley allows rear entry, but Bethenny is intrigued. Ramona is silent, but Luann is grossed out by the déclassé butt-banter. Bethenny dares Sonja to shove her tongue down a poor unsuspecting chef, but the classy professional rejects her clunky come-on. Dorinda likens John’s member to a giant cuke, as the convo continues to descend into madness. Carole pegs Gorge Clooney as a 9 between the sheets, and Ramona admits to having three sexual partners since splitting from Mario. The ladies screech and laugh over what defines sex, while the chefs grimace, and contemplate making a run for it.
Luann is thrilled that she’s off the market amid the tawdry chatter, because in case you missed it…Luann is married, and happy to be there. Ramona points out that Lu is the only happy one in the group, and a murky yellow diamond doesn’t make her any better than the rest of the sad sacks. Dorinda slurs through a mouthful of food that it should not be forgotten that Tom is a man-whore, commenting that Luann should shut up about her joy already. Lu demands that her honeymoon phase be revered, and resents the insinuation that she over-yaps about her marriage. The other ladies exchange raised eyebrows, and Ramona points out that back-it-up banter is on the menu — not Luann’s endless love story.
Bethenny throws in that Lu’s road to the altar was rough—and some gloat time is natural. Dorinda is sick of being Luann’s cheerleader, but Bethenny strangely praises Mrs. D’Agostino — categorizing her comment as a “human moment.” Sonja continues to shade Luann every chance she gets, but Dorinda and Luann patch things up right away, and move on.
Next week, the Mexican suspense kicks into high gear, Sonja gets scalped, and Ramona goes off the beam…again.