90 Day Fiance/ Happily Ever After premiered last night — seemingly plugged in as a replacement for TLC hit, 90 Day Fiance. In spite of the fact that “90 days” nor “fiance” appears to be part of the new season—two of the biggest couple disasters are back for another go-round. This foursome is worth a rewind — so let’s catch up with Mohamed and Danielle, and Jorge and Anfisa.
Mohamed and Danielle
We join Danielle in mid-canoodle with a new phone honey, a perfect intro to a blubbering rewind of her history with Tunisian hubby, Mohamed Jbali. The romance was doomed from the start, so Mohamed, 28, ran for his life. Mohamed promised that the couple could stay friends, and when he reneged, a stupidly distraught Danielle began a quest to get his tookis kicked back to Tunisia. Danielle is happy again, because another long distance lover has filled her lonely heart. Danielle is trying to grow, and is finally happy. Mohamed joins the dialogue, reiterating that Danielle turned out to be the absolute worst, so he bailed and went to Florida. Danielle tracked him down, so he’s been living on the down low, “doing things for money,” like being a crabby Uber driver.
Mohamed is served with annulment papers in a dramatic twist — conveniently going down while TLC cameras are rolling. Mohamed is shocked by Danielle’s stunning change of heart, and knows that some sweet talkin’ is in order, so he can score a divorce, and stay in the country. Mohamed makes plans to go to Ohio and schmooze his ex, in person. Meanwhile, Danielle is distracted by trailer shopping, and making her home owning dream a reality. Danielle admits that her rental history is a hot mess, and her old friend, Beth, pushes her towards trailer park pride. Beth tells Danielle that she’s a buffoon if she pulls the annulment, while Danielle giggles at the idea of a desperate Mohamed, rushing to her side. Danielle confesses that she’s “tired of the drama” — while smirking at the camera. Mohamed arrives in Ohio, and promptly runs out of gas — Danielle’s revenge fantasy come true. Danielle gives him a “HA!” — and Mohamed is successfully stuck on the side of the road, his thoughts running wild. Mohamed takes his thoughts to Mr. Lawyer, who reminds him that he’s walking the razor’s edge, apart from his wife. He pushes Mohamed to think about his “original intent,” while Mohamed ticks off Danielle’s most horrifying hits. The pro tells him to lay low, because his green card is null and void, apart from his smirky, matrimonial nightmare.
Jorge and Anfisa
We catch up with Jorge Nava, 27, at work, checking in with his medical marijuana empire. TLC delivers a soft-core Anfisa Arkhipchenko rewind, along with some of her zany antics from last season. We jump to the present day, and learn that Jorge has broken ties with loved ones, because of his crazy love for the Russian hottie. Anfisa makes her grand entrance, strutting to a badass soundtrack. Her eyes are extra smoky, but her attitude is unchanged. Anfisa is still peeved that Jorge isn’t loaded, and threatens to leave him every day — just like last season. Anfisa hates being married to Jorge, smiling, cooking and cleaning — in that order. Jorge thinks that her obnoxious personality is delightfully adorable. Anfisa resents American grins, but hopes to pass her green card interview, so she can be free to roll her eyes elsewhere. We watch the couple tour a mansion, a nonsensical spectacle narrated by an overjoyed realtor, who resists bursting out in laughter throughout the showing. Anfisa loves the place, and doesn’t understand why Jorge won’t cough up the cash.
We later join Anfisa and lookalike cheerleader, Miranda — Anfisa’s only friend. The gals shop, while Miranda sells the friendship fakery. The pair has a staged convo about green card hardships, and Miranda agrees that Jorge sold Anfisa a bill of goods. Jorge is later annoyed by Anfisa’s retail haul, and drops the bomb that he’s in serious debt, and only plays a millionaire on TV. Jorge admits that he’s a part-time slacker, and an online liar. Anfisa points out that she’s only been honest, and doesn’t appreciate being wooed into poverty. Anfisa is worried that she might be stuck with Jorge’s bills, which Jorge blames on crazy, stupid love.
Jorge claims to owe $30k, but Anfisa doesn’t trust him, so she pushes for a post-nuptial agreement. Jorge admits that he misled Anfisa, but believes that she should love him for richer or poorer. Anfisa delivers her own “HA,” and storms out, in a dramatic first episode exit.
The upcoming season promises to be a rollercoaster ride of cringeworthy reality drama — don’t miss it!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.