The Real Housewives of New York begins with Ramona’s quadruple “are you kidding me?” stutter — directed at a calm and collected Bethenny. After the nasally echoes fade, Ramona re-gasps in righteous indignation — until Bethenny offers her a rundown of her greatest shady hits, including the most epic diss ever delivered on the Brooklyn Bridge. Bethenny blasts Ramona for saving her porn scolding for the cameras, and Ramona stares blankly before ticking off salacious details about Bethenny’s topless past, one by one. Bethenny shoots her a faux crotch shot, before the pair stands up to duke it out. Ramona accuses Bethenny of screwing her way to the top, and Bethenny’s squinting eyes fire back, shooting Skinnygirl red daggers. Ramona reels off her I-Am-Woman accomplishments — no screwing necessary.
Bethenny thinks that Ramona’s twitching head and flinging extensions are harboring career jealousy, but Ramona hits back where it hurts, labeling Skinnygirl as “done.” The duo squabbles over who entered the booze biz first, but agree that Ramona loves her pinot, and Bethenny is just plain weird. Ramona wants to slam Bethenny hard — so she launches into a well researched summary of Bethenny’s entitled history. Ramona abruptly shifts gears, and begins blubbering about Mario, before bashing Bethenny as a user and an opportunist. Bethenny tells her back off forever, and sarcastically snarks about Ramona’s self-proclaimed love for all people, except her.
Ramona proclaims Bethenny a bitchy-witch, nah-nah-nah-ing her big finish. Ramona exits to debrief with Sonja and Lu, and Bethenny spills about the “jealous” verbal puke-fest with Carole. Ramona slurs on and on, as Bethenny packs to burn rubber outta there. Carole vamooses with her, after being informed by Ramona that Bethenny has pegged her as one boring nag. Ramona taunts Bethenny as she tries to escape the house, calls her a vicious bitch, then wonders why Bethenny rejected her sincere apology.
The next morning, Dorinda fills Tinsley in, and shares a creepy story about discovering a drunken kissing Sonja corpse upright in a dining room chair. Ramona stumbles into the kitchen, struggling to recollect the Ramonacoaster crash from the night before. Ramona fumbles over her reasons for the drunken B-lashing, struggling to drag the others to her side. Ramona reinvents herself as the cast defender — not a coward who kissed skinny ass for an entire season. Sonja enters the scene, modeling some of Dorinda’s prized jammies — but Dorinda, always a classy morning hostess, doesn’t say a word. The ladies pack up to leave, as Ramona mutters guilty quips under her breath. Sonja and Tinsley chat about their roomie trials and tribulations, and Tinsley reminds her that it’s no fun to feel like an assistant-hogging burden. Sonja begs to differ, and reiterates that house rules state to keep all grubby mitts off Connor. Dorinda can’t wait for the bigmouthed biddies to leave, and is thrilled to have an empty house again.
We catch up with the ladies back in the city, where Dorinda drops a shocker, revealing that Ramona damaged her home, in some sort of freakish rock/reality star tantrum. Ramona ripped down light fixtures and damaged walls, leaving the room a mess. Ramona is exposed as an unhinged banshee, and Dorinda’s feelings are hurt by an old pal.
We next touch base with Carole, who is showing Tinsley an apartment in her building. Tinsley is rethinking her NYC sensibilities, and is considering the drastic notion of relocating her signature curls downtown. Meanwhile, Adam is shooting a “sexy salad” for all of his Babys, while the ladies play House Hunters down the hall. Carole shares about an artist neighbor who captured her in a series of paintings, which will be revealed later in the episode. Carole includes herself in a group described as “beautiful and interesting,” which is even more hilarious than a salad being sexy.
In a strange filler scene, Bethenny and her assistant jabber a series of random thoughts, as Bethenny scales her closet. A couple of rogue moths elevate the dialogue, wrecking one of Bethenny’s sweaters, along the way.
She’s baaack — the one who started it all — reality veteran, Jill Zarin. A group dinner is going down with the flashback guest, and Dorinda shares her thoughts about an incident where she was used as a pawn in the dirty dynamic between Jill and Ramona. Lu and Tom arrive with wedding bells on, and are warmly welcomed by the group. Lu and Jill’s friendship is the real deal, not TV fakery, so she and Bobby scored an invite for the big day.
Tom oddly encourages a rehash of Dorinda’s Berkshires birthday, and Dorinda obediently spills that Bethenny and Ramona almost slaughtered each other. Jill’s eyes almost well with tears when she hears the story, missing the inspiring sound of Ramona’s drunken screaming. Jill admits that those were the good ol’ Bravo days, almost nervously poking an eye out with her straw. The ladies titter about Tom stirring controversy all over Bravo, and Tom blushes, admitting that his game can be easily spotted in the cozy confines of the UES. He confirms that Ramona’s mission is to expose his libido from coast to coast, which Jill labels obnoxious. Jill launches into chatter about Ramona, set against a sentimentally snarky flashback reel. Tom hopes that Ramona cools it, and Jill pegs Ramona’s life as messy and lonely. Jill digs around to hear who’s in and who’s out of Lu’s wedding — and it’s just like old times.
We hop to the art showing of Carole’s artist neighbor — Linda Mason flattering her in some lovely paintings. Dorinda and Carole chat about the Ramona/Bethenny smackdown, and wonder if Ramona will dare show her mouthy mug. Dorinda tells the others about Ramona’s rock star room rage, as the reality vandal makes her entrance. Ramona is still acting loopier than usual, and ignores Dorinda’s thoughts about her wrecked property. Carole introduces Tinsley to her cute dentist, just as a disheveled Sonja zigzags into the gallery. Bethenny and Sonja rehash Ramona’s hissy fit, but “Machine Gun Betty” makes a quick exit, as Ramona approaches the duo. Ramona whips out a Sonja defense excuse for skewering Bethenny, and fools no one…not even herself.
The episode wraps with Lu and Tom headed south to tie the knot. Luann is overwhelmed with fabulosity, and is happy to be headed toward matrimonial bliss. The couple chitchats about their big day, and Tom shoots out a snarky comment about scoring a hall pass before Luann locks on the ball and chain. Lu likens herself to a modern day Cinderella — leaving those Bravo bitch-sisters in her tiny rear view mirror.
The second half of the season looks to be a lively one. Stalking, drunken tears, and tropical tumbles are all in store — so buckle up!