The Real Housewives of New York picks up right where we left off, with the ladies schooling Luann’s gullible heart in the Berkshires. Luann is getting married in two weeks, and isn’t interested in anything these Bravo bitches have to say. Lu admits that lovers’ quarrels do go on between her and Tom — because their passionate relationship is red-hot. Ramona determines that Luann is in denial, and that Tom is an uptown mauler. Ramona has spies everywhere, who all report back with Tom’s rigorous cheating schedule. Bethenny keeps her yapper under control, and logically presents the group’s exhausted concerns. Luann admits that Tom has “women friends” and notes that the ladies sure love to magnify old drama.
Ramona continues to inform Lu that Tom has been busy pawing random women all over the city, before Luann points out that her man has been a Bravo target for two seasons. Bethenny and Ramona sell it, ticking off how many times Tom has humped the legs of NYC barflies. Lu whips out a Season 3 Bethenny move, and advises Ramona to get a hobby, but the ladies assure her that nothing beats sipping Tom tea in their free time. Ramona pleads passionately for Luann to listen to the voice of a war-torn victim, assuring her that the floozy frenzy will only get worse. She reminds her that because of her cheating ex — she knows a shifty player when she sees one. Ramona finally vows to shut up, but Lu’s rolling eyes say that she knows this to be an impossible dream.
Dorinda believes that Ramona has “deeply hidden” reasons for being an hyperactive meddler, and Carole reminds us of Bigmouth Barbara, who threw her pal under the bus in a previous episode. Luann swears on her murky yellow diamond that she is sure about Tom, and that his days of hustling cheap smooches are behind him. Bethenny keeps bleating about Tom being a man-whore, and determines that Luann just cares about a jet-setting lifestyle. Dorinda pushes everyone to be kind — and Sonja agrees, hoping to score a last minute wedding invite. The ladies swap glances, suspecting that Lu is cool with Tom’s groping habits. Bethenny labels Tom a “trick guy” — aka homely, horny and wealthy — comparing him to dreamboat Adam — aka grubby, droopy and homeless. Adam is elevated to a faithful nobody — Carole’s perfect match.
The group breaks, but Bethenny, Sonja, Carole and Tinsley continue to titter, while Bethenny over-quips about Tom’s irresistible diamond shooter. Sonja mercifully changes the subject to Ramona and Bethenny’s beef, and is encouraged, because the cast B isn’t blowing Ramona out of the room with head-splitting insults. Ramona admits that she adores the ground Bethenny walks on, and finally accepts that that certain subjects, such as porn and grade-schoolers, are off-limits. Ramona plans to kiss Bethenny’s skinny ass, the first chance she gets.
Dorinda busies herself, preparing for the evening, while Bethenny and Tinsley get better acquainted. Tinsley complains about Sonja, while Bethenny fakes that she cares — an inspiring friendship breakthrough. The ladies gather in the bordello parlor, as Carole builds a crackerjack fire in a non-functioning fireplace. Luann congratulates Bethenny on her divorce, and Bethenny apologizes for being a raging shrew last year, aka before she scored her spinoff. Tinsley dishes about her ongoing husband hunt, and Luann advises her to just go with her heart. Bethenny disagrees, and points out that her heart lives in an uncluttered, multi million dollar torture chamber.
Dorinda graciously labels Bethenny’s attitude as “emotionally heightened” due to her ongoing divorce fallout. Bethenny promises Luann that she is on a tawdry road to hell, but Luann points out that Bethenny’s darling daughter was created along her own highway. Luann is a windshield optimist — and dismisses all rearview recycled storylines. Bethenny assures her that she is serving a life sentence, and Lu admits that she had no idea that Bethenny was still in stuck in the Hoppy muck. Sonja and Ramona skip into the tense convo, cutting off Carole’s droning stalker analysis. Dorinda shares her thoughts, and Bethenny rudely exits, overwhelmed by the high octane hellfire that incinerates her day to day reality.
Bethenny falls apart in the next room, and Luann follows, puzzled by her dramatic meltdown. Bethenny wails that Luann is wrong, wrong, wrong — much to Luann’s blasé bewilderment. Carole shares with the others that Jason is tormenting Bethenny and her current lover — as the beaten down ex continues to jabber to Lu about the relentless “torture.” Jason emails like a savage — calling Bethenny “Bernadette” — the big kahuna of mommy slams. Bethenny continues to blubber uncontrollably all over Luann, until Luann throws her a bone, admitting nervousness about Tom’s troublemaking trollops. Bethenny reminds her that Carole is a reliable nag, unlike the rest of the backbiting cast. In other news, Ramona and Sonja agree that they are simply the best giggle partners, even without makeup.
Bethenny commiserates with Carole about her convo with Luann, while Dorinda hacks up dinner in the kitchen. Bethenny prepares herself to face Ramona, the next annoying bitch on deck, while the ladies prepare for the sit-down. Carole is peeved when no one notices her punctuality, impressive indeed when traveling from the next room. Bethenny shoots Ramona repellent through her narrowed eyelids, but Ramona, hopped up on faux friendship, doesn’t notice. Ramona dumps grease on Dorinda’s upholstery, and wins a chocolate Santa, her crazy eyes exploding at the unexpected windfall. Ramona calms herself down long enough to offer a toast to Luann’s doomed future, and Dorinda notes that Ramona is an entitled pain in the ass. Bethenny snarks in the kitchen about Ramona’s déclassé behavior, before being nudged by a ginormous implant and a few desperate pants. Ramona mumbles an apology about mentioning Bryn and boobs in the same sentence. Bethenny appreciates it, but notes that the delivery was a bit icky.
Bethenny gives Tinsley a blaring recap of the last few seasons of the show, an amusingly high-volume summary. Ramona gushes over Dorinda’s magnificent hospitality, and contrives a less breathy apology to pitch to Bethenny. Ramona gives it shot, but shoots in a snarky gaze, inadvertently confusing the gesture. Ramona is baffled by the B-I, who disapproves of her loony mug, informing her that she has not been a good friend. The episode wraps with a “wow/are you kidding” me combo stutter — but we all know that Bethenny is not.
Next week, the convo hits the fan, and Jill Zarin busts back onto the scene.