Welcome back, my little June bugs. It’s time once again for this week’s episode of Southern Charm. We open with Shep Rose doing the laundry as his one night stand, Joanna, stumbles downstairs. It’s so much easier when these stray women leave before Shep wakes up in the afternoon. When she invites him to lunch, Shep excuses himself by explaining he’s going crabbing. I have no doubt that’s true. Does he know they make a shampoo for that? Once he’s alone, Shep takes a call from the doctor and finds his prognosis a little troubling. Shep’s liver is screaming for mercy. It’s time to put down the bottle. Can Shep handle being booze-free for an entire week?
Cameran Eubanks is waiting for Craig Conover. He’s late for their appointment. Cameran wants to show him a house that would be perfect for his real estate portfolio, but Craig doesn’t realize that rush hour traffic isn’t just a phrase but an actual phenomenon that happens when people are trying to get to work in the morning. Now, if only Craig understood the concept of “work” his girlfriend, Naomie would breathe a sigh of relief.
Whitney Sudler-Smith takes his mom’s obese pug for a walk and then talks to her — his mom, not the dog — about Thomas Ravenel’s dating life. Thomas now has two kids, an addicted baby mama, and 55 years of hard living under his belt. It’s time for him to settle down with an acceptable woman. Whitney and his kaftan-loving mama plan a dinner party that will allow Thomas and Landon Clements to sit together and break bread under the watchful eye of Patricia. Online dating holds no appeal for Mother Altschul. She believes you should meet the old-fashioned way. If you’re going to snag a man with a healthy bank balance, you need to fish in the right pond, kids.
Craig finally arrives so that Cameran can walk him through a turnkey property. He’s not impressed with the humble ranch or the updates the owners have made. Nevertheless, Craig wants to put an offer on a house in two weeks’ time. He has no rhyme or reason for the rush — it’s just his own personal deadline and he’s sticking to it — even though Naomie isn’t onboard with all of his business ideas. Cameran tries to give Craig relationship advice, but it falls on deaf ears. Craig doesn’t want to simply focus being a lawyer to keep Naomie happy. Craig needs to do Craig, dude.
Austen Kroll picks up Chelsea Meissner for a date. He takes her off the beaten path to Holy City, where they serve 20 beers on tap. He hopes to share his love of suds with her. Austen tells Chelsea that he and Shep hashed out their differences regarding her affections. He hasn’t broke the bro code, and as far as he’s concerned, Austen doesn’t need Shep’s approval to take her out. Chelsea may have gone out with Shep a few times, but it’s obvious Austen is the one who makes her bacon sizzle.
Cameran and Shep have lunch at an outdoor café. She brings along Mama Estella, her hoodoo doll. Shep thinks Cameran’s belief in the supernatural is brought on by her boredom with being married. Cameran thinks Shep parties and hooks up with random girls because he’s bored. She hands over the hoodoo love doll she had made especially for Shep. The hoodoo doll scares Shep, mainly because it’s ding-a-ling is unusually long. When he learns that he’s supposed to leave the doll on the porch of the future Mrs. Rose, he’s not sure this is the best way to capture a woman’s heart.
Patricia’s butler, Michael, prepares for her dinner party. He may be hard of hearing or maybe he’s just tuning her out as she calls for her place mats — that’s name cards in pretentious French. Tonight is party planning 101. Patricia simply calls the caterer with her menu. As for Whitney’s friends, well, those middle-aged “kids” are happy with cheap Costco booze. Done and done!
At home, Craig is embroidering the pillowcases with an image of his cat, Gizmo. When Naomie returns after a long day, he informs her that he put in an offer on a house. As Craig threads his sewing machine, Naomie laughs at him, then wonders why he’s being so pissy. Craig thinks Naomie’s shitting on his dreams. In the middle of their passive aggressive convo, Landon calls and asks if Craig is going to Jennifer Snowden’s sip and see in honor of baby Ascher. Landon drops the news that she’s off to dinner at Patricia’s house. Craig notes he hasn’t been invited to Patty’s place in forever. And while not getting an invite might bother Naomie, Craig is happy to stay home and embroider Gizmo’s likeness on the hand towels.
Cameran arrives at the dinner party in a sleek black jumpsuit. When she learns this is a setup for Thomas and Landon, Cameran thinks it will end in disaster. After all, Kathryn, Thomas’s ex and the mother of his children, hates Landon. When Landon shows up in a mustard colored dress, Patty practically shoves her into Thomas’ arms. Cameran plants the seeds of romance by asking if Thomas is dating anyone special. He explains he’s looking for Ms. Right and mentions “travel.” Landon’s ears perks up. (She is the founder of Roam website, after all. Ahem.) Thomas asks about Landon’s boy toy, Drew. Landon knows that she doesn’t have a future with Drew — but he’s all right for now. Cameran suggests that Thomas and Landon start dating. Which, of course, makes Whitney think of pre-nups. Thomas would never force Landon to sign such a document, and Patty all but calls him a fool for not protecting his interests. Bravo is leading us down a path here, making us think Landon and Thomas are Charleston’s answer to Will and Kate. T-Rav may play polo, but he has a lot of baggage.
Kathryn Dennis, Thomas’ ex, tells us that yoga has played a part in her recovery by helping with her anxiety. Newly sober Shep joins her and tries to act adorable by staring spinning in circles and losing his balance during each pose. When he explains that he’s laying off the booze for a while, Kathryn talks about her struggle for sobriety. As she walks him through the steps for sober living, he comments on how clear-headed she seems. And now that he’s drinking smoothies and taking Flintstone vitamins every day, he’s feeling pretty good, too.
Austen has dinner with his hard-working parents. His mom wants to know about his dating life. Austen broke their hearts when he broke up with his last girlfriend. Mom and Dad are concerned about Austen’s career path, as well. While he graduated with a business degree, he doesn’t want to put together a business plan. The thought of settling down terrifies him. His dad tells him it’s time to sac up because the right girl could come along and Austen won’t have his finances together.
Finally, we get to Jennifer’s sip and see. Cameran arrives with champagne and asks to hold the baby. For a woman who claims she doesn’t want kids, she’s jonesing for a cuddle with little Ascher. Thomas brings Kensie along, and she’s adorable. Shep sucks up his courage and holds the baby. Good thing he’s sober — am I right? Naomie arrives without Craig in tow. He wasn’t on time, so she left his ass at home as a lesson. When he arrives, he’s angry and can barely make eye contact with her. JD and Elizabeth pull up on his motorcycle — giftless. Where’s your southern hospitality, JD?!
Naomie talks to Cameran and Shep about being excluded by the likes of Patricia and Whitney. She believes they’re shunning her because of Craig. Cameran admits she was merely acting as a buffer for the potential love connection between Thomas and Landon. And in the garden, Landon is all over Thomas as they sip champs and laugh about how a million dollars is a paltry sum in today’s economy. Those zany rich people are so terribly amusing. Eh.
Jennifer finds Craig in the garden and asks why everyone inside is talking about him. This is just another reason bitch about Naomie. She’s gossiping behind Craig’s back, and he doesn’t like it one bit! Cameran comes outside and gives Craig the good news about the house. They counteroffered, but it’s a lowball price, so if he comes back with the right numbers he could be a landlord by the end of business. Now, if only his girlfriend would support him, all would be well in Craig-world.
Meanwhile, Jenn and Thomas talk about how wild it is that they’re both parents. Jenn says she and Kathryn are no longer friends. Kathryn believes Jenn sided with Thomas at the reunion. Both Jenn and Thomas decide that Kathryn is delusional, and they pity her.
Craig steps inside and tells Naomie the latest on the house. Jenn’s mom mistakenly congratulates them on their joint project. Naomie and Craig immediately begin airing their grievances in front of her. He’s angry that Naomie came to the party without him, so he explains to Jenn’s mom that he’s waited on Naomie plenty of times. Jenn’s mom, Nancy, is super uncomfortable and can’t get away from the bickering pair fast enough. Craig feels like he’s dating a teenage girl. He calls Naomie a child and gives her permission to speak. Yikes! They continue to argue about his time management issues. She leaves in a huff and stops in the driveway to complain to JD and Elizabeth that Craig is being a dick. Inside, Craig tells Whitney that Naomie is a brat for airing their dirty laundry. Um…does he even listen to the words coming out of his mouth? Does he not understand that he’s doing the exact same thing? I don’t have much hope for these two.
So, who do you think is more at fault for their problems — Naomie or Craig? Will Landon and Thomas commit to anything real? And will Shep ever conquer the downward dog?