Hello my darling mason jars of moonshine, it’s time for another episode of Southern Charm. This week, we start off with Cameran Eubanks and her mom stopping by Larry’s house. Larry makes dolls. Weird, hoodoo dolls. Cameran tells us that in high school she was a white witch with purple hair who frolicked in the woods — while still managing to snag the homecoming crown. Each doll Larry makes comes with its own special gris-gris bag full of potions and a spell to ward off evil. Cameran is looking for purpose and the doll, named Mama Estella, will help her find it.
Shep Rose and Austen Kroll meet up on the basketball court. After a ten minutes of one on one, Shep is doubled over and completely out of breath. A decade older than Austen, Shep’s used those years living a life of debauchery and now he’s paying the price. After Shep confronts Austen about Chelsea Meissner, Austen admits they’re talking and hanging out. Shep thinks Austen should have asked for permission to text her. After all, he dated her first. Shep accuses Chelsea of robbing the cradle — because she’s four years older than Austen. Meanwhile, Shep ignores the fact that he regularly tries to hook up girls who are barely out of high school.
Whitney Sudler-Smith waits for Thomas Ravenel in an oyster bar. T-Rav discuss all his new parental challenges. Thomas used to be able to put on a certain pair of khakis that showed off his ass just the way he liked it. When he wore those pants, women were all over him like white on rice. But now he’s wearing Dad Dockers. What has this world come to?! Also, Thomas’s notoriety is scaring off women. Which brings the conversation around to Landon Clements. He really likes her and it makes him nervous. Whitney encourages Thomas to ask her out on real date.
Kathryn Dennis, T-Rav’s redheaded, unpredictable ex, calls her former friend, Jennifer Snowden. Kathryn has been jealous of Jennifer ever since the blond won approval from Thomas on the last reunion. Kathryn suspects something was going on between T-Rav and Jenn. Bear in mind Jenn was in the middle of a difficult pregnancy at the time. Kathryn delivers a long overdue congratulations on baby Ascher and asks if Jenn can meet her for lunch. Might have been nice if Kathryn had reached out sooner, like when the newborn had brain surgery. But compassion isn’t in Kathryn’s wheelhouse.
Over at the house where Craig Conover and his girlfriend, Naomie Olindo live (i.e, the small house Naomie’s parents own), Craig rips into his recent purchases from Amazon, which include a sewing machine and all the accoutrements that go with it. Please, please tell me he’s going to make outfits for Gizmo. I need to see that cat in a bee costume! Naomie busts his balls about the newest purchase. I say more power to Craig. Pets need clothes, too.
Jennifer meets Kathryn for lunch and they sit in uncomfortable silence for a moment. Finally, Jenn asks why Kathryn has been giving her the cold shoulder. Kathryn ponders if Jenn is more concerned with people who really care about her or if she’s merely a social climber. OMG. I can’t even. Where was Kathryn when Jenn went through her difficult pregnancy? Where was Kathryn when baby Ascher had life-threatening surgery? The rest of the cast put aside their differences and reached out to the young mom. But not Kathryn. Jennifer points out that she’s been a good friend to Kathryn and she didn’t get the same show of friendship in return. Kathryn doesn’t feel Jenn is genuine and honest. Jenn finally asks if Kathryn even wants to know how Ascher is doing. Kathryn is all, “Yeah, if you want to tell me.” As Jennifer breaks down in tears and describes her struggles, Kathryn coldly looks on and nods, saying Jenn’s tears are manipulative. Well, I think Kathryn is a narcissistic, troubled, self-destructive young woman who needs serious help. Jenn is better off without Kathryn in her life.
Over at Shep’s beach house, he’s curled up in bed even though it’s close to noon. He calls his parents to tell them he’s out of shape. Shep made an appointment with his doctor and is concerned about his liver. Since he sweats vodka, that might be a good idea. Also, Shep’s dad had a heart attack when he was in his early forties, and that doesn’t bode well for our resident boozer.
Austen and Landon have cocktails together. Landon doesn’t like to tell the wait staff that she may be writing a piece on their restaurant on her Roam website. Because hey, let’s face it — not all bars are Roam-worthy. Austen, like the rest of us, is confused as to Roam’s concept. Austen thinks it’s an excuse for Landon get a tax write off for her tequila-soaked lunches. Austen admits to Landon that he really likes Chelsea. Shep felt disrespected by Austen’s interest in the woman he dated a couple of times, and Landon, on the Shep-hating bandwagon, says “it’s not your girl, it’s just your turn.” She and Austen fight over which sucks least — Veil or Aspen. Then Landon says the real way to get to know a man is to travel with him. Does he pack a dinner jacket and workout gear? If so, he’s a keeper! Her boy toy, Drew, has never even been to New York. She laughs at his lack of sophistication. Austen calls her a cougar, and while Landon resents the title, she admits it’s true.
Cameran places her new hoodoo doll on the loveseat next to her while she makes a few calls, trying to help Craig find an investment house. He wants to start a real estate portfolio, of course. And speaking of Craig, he’s using his fancy new machine to embroider his and Naomie’s initials along with a cupid. Awww! When Cameran calls with the news that he lost the house he was interested in, Craig barely listens. Cam says the market is tight, and he needs to jump on every opportunity. She reminds him that owning property might cut into his schedule, since he’s supposed to be studying for the bar exam. No worries! Being a landlord will be easy peasy. He buys the house and tenants move in. What could be simpler? Cameran shakes her head at Craig’s naiveté.
Shep arrives at the doctor’s office. He met the physician through T-Rav, so he’s hoping that by comparison, he won’t come off as a lush. The smoke billowed out of Shep’s ears as he tried to calculate how many drinks he has per day. He came up with twelve, but he’s not sure that’s accurate. The doctor checks out Shep and palpates his liver. He tells Shep he needs to get sober for at least a week. He also promises to check Shep’s liver enzymes. I’m sure they’re off the charts.
Landon and Thomas go on a day date to a bar by a marsh. Both give a long-winded version of exactly how they like their cocktails. The waitress doesn’t blink and brings their orders. Thomas realizes he’s getting bored with the women he’s met lately. From the neck down, they’re perfectly fine, but their brains and personality aren’t enough for Thomas anymore. Landon reminds him that’s what comes from trying to hook up on a weeknight. Landon’s looking for a companion to share her life with. She finally admits that Drew is too young. Landon wants kids. Thomas likes being a dad. Hey, these two were destined to get together. As she purrs in her childish voice, he seems smitten.
Over at casa Olindo, Craig cooks dinner for Naomie. He enjoys doing small, special things for his girl. He takes dinner down the street to Naomie’s parents’ house — you know, their other house — which overlooks the beach. Craig thinks he’s a catch. Sure, he might not be the richest or the smartest, but he’s handy and likes rom-coms. He hopes Naomie feels lucky to have him. When she sees the candlelight dinner he prepared, Naomie’s heart melts. This is why she puts up with his bullshit — because the man can cook a decent steak. But she has other concerns on her mind. Naomie confronts Craig about his decision to buy rental property. When he tells her he’s also starting a clothing line which should basically run itself, she tells him doing everything at once will be impossible. He gets angry and doesn’t think she’s being supportive. Naomie finally asks if Craig really wants to be a lawyer. He can’t give her a straight answer. She just wants him to be honest, but Craig tells her she’s acting dumb. Naomie puts her foot down and refuses to allow him to speak to her that way. Craig explains that he didn’t say she was dumb, just acting dumb. See the difference? Neither did Naomie.
And so we’re finished with another episode of Southern Charm. So, will Craig and Naomie be able to see eye to eye on his legal career? Will Mama Estella help Cameran figure out her life goals? And will Shep be able to put down the bottle for seven days?