Welcome back to Southern Charm, my little sweet potatoes! This week’s episode is all about parties, polo ponies, and parenting skills. So, let’s jump right into it.
At Thomas Ravenel’s plantation, the polo exhibition match is going down. Landon Clements is playing hostess, and T-Rav appreciates that Landon knows her way around a kitchen. All the Charmers arrive along with Thomas’s nanny and his kids, Kensie and Saint. The polo match marks the first date for newcomers Chelsea Meissner and Austen Kroll. Barbeque sauce is a real turn on for these two, but when Cameran Eubanks finds out her girl pal is dating Shep Rose’s friend, she feels the bro code has been violated. Cameran wants Shep and Chelsea together, that way she can keep her friend circle tight.
As usual, Craig Conover is sticking his nose in everyone’s beeswax. He thinks Landon would be perfect as Mrs. Ravenel. And he also believes Thomas is the worst dad ever! As Thomas was trying to explain the intricacies of polo, his nanny was leaving with the kids. She strolled by and young Kensie was screaming for her dad. T-Rav barely glanced in her direction. Craig whispered that Thomas should go give his daughter some attention, but hey, Thomas is a busy man with a house full of guests and polo on his mind. He can’t entertain everyone, Craig. Gah!
Craig is so disgusted that he must complain about Thomas’s lack of parenting skills to everyone. Landon says her dad ignored her, and she turned out to be fabulous. (No, Landon, you didn’t. That baby voice and high-pitched giggle give away your lack of fabulocity every time.) Cameran butts in at the end of the convo and tells Craig to calm down. Maybe he needs to focus on his own messy life before he can give Thomas advice. At least Thomas is providing a home for his children. In the guest house. With the nanny.
No one, other than the guy calling the plays with the bullhorn, is paying the slightest bit of attention to the polo match. Craig stomps around and tells his girl, Naomie, he wants to leave. He’s had enough of stupid Thomas and his parental neglect, but Naomie wants to stay. She calls Craig out for meddling in everyone’s life, especially since he hates it when they meddle in his.
Whitney is at Patricia’s house, dog sitting his mother’s pampered pooches. Shep has just returned from a wedding in New York and is still trying to sober up from the night before. He’s celebrating his 37th birthday with a booze cruise. Not too concerned that time is passing him by, Shep thinks 40 is a good year to think about a family. Though he met a girl at the wedding, when he finds out that Austen and Chelsea were together at the polo match, he isn’t happy. One thing our man child hates is to lose.
Kathryn meets Craig for dinner. She sips on water and ponders Landon’s role as hostess for Thomas’s polo match. Kathryn maintains that Landon has been after T-Rav for years. Craig describes Thomas’s behavior with the kids, but Kathryn can’t do anything about it. Thomas doesn’t even see her at the handoff every other weekend, when she arrives for her supervised visits. Kathryn is finally ready to jump through the court’s hoops to get 50% custody of her kids. But she’s confused by it all because following rules is hard and stuff.
Austen and Chelsea get together and drink “gamechanger” cocktails. They both discover they’re Geminis and want a family—but Austen’s not in a rush. Chelsea asks how many one-night-stands Austen has had. He lies about his number, and she buys it. He’s so different from Shep and his man whorish way!
The next morning, a hungover and puking Chelsea calls Shep. He admits he hooked up with her before leaving for New York, but he never bothered to text her. Whoops! Shep declares he doesn’t feel competitive with Austen, but he doesn’t like losing, so he makes an appointment for Chelsea to cut his hair later that day. Because nothing says, “I care, girl” like paying her to give you a trim.
Shep calls Landon and asks her to his birthday party. She’s still upset that he ruined her website unveiling bash by telling her to stop being bitchy to other small business owners. Landon immediately calls Craig to see if he’s going. They decide to attend, even though they don’t want to. Not showing up for the party would only give Shep satisfaction and ammunition to keep being a bully to them both. (Huh?) Landon thinks Shep should stay in his lane. She’s not flighty like Craig, so why is he busting her lady balls? According to Landon, she’s aced everything she’s tried—except marriage, and that doesn’t count. Oh, Landon. Remember your brief fling with a pop up shop, your website pitch with no website, or maybe your attempt at “art”? You totally nailed it all. And by “nailed it”, I mean you suck at life.
At the spa, Naomie and Cameran get a manicure. They talk about Shep’s party, and Naomie comments that Craig will soon be 29. She thinks he needs to get serious about his career. (We’re all with you on that, Naomie.) Craig talked to Cameran about developing a real estate portfolio. That’s the first time Naomie has heard this dumbass idea, and she doesn’t understand why Craig won’t just become a lawyer already. Naomie blames herself for not making him confront his lack of a career. She’s waiting for Craig to prove himself, but maybe she’s being too easy on him.
Shep shows up at the salon to get a haircut. With a pair of scissors in her hand, Chelsea asks if he met any women at the wedding. Um, nope! Shep describes himself as “picky”, and Chelsea is boggled by his word choice. Chelsea doesn’t like Shep’s promiscuous ways and admits she went out with Austen while Shep was away. Though they’re only “hanging out”, Shep wants to be kept abreast of Chelsea’s romantic involvements. Yeah, okay.
Aboard the boat Shep rented for his party, he shows up wearing large paisley print trousers. He invited about 30 women and a few dudes to his shindig. Whitney comments that there are a lot of tarts on the boat, but considering he arrived with his English “escort” Daisy, he’s being a hypocrite, as usual.
Shep and Austen man hug like all is normal, but Shep thinks Austen is encroaching on his territory—his territory being Chelsea. Hey, Shep may not want her, but he doesn’t want anyone else touching her either. Sort of. Sometimes. Sure, she may take up some of his brain space—the rest of his brain is left for lecturing Craig and surfing—but he’s not ready to put in the time and energy it takes to court a woman like Chelsea. It’s so much easier to bed girls whose names he can’t remember.
Cameran keeps harping on Shep. She tells him that Chelsea French kissed Austen. Because we’re all in 7th grade, apparently. Shep reminds her that he tasted that tongue first. Cameran points to Thomas and welcomes Shep to his future as a middle-aged bachelor hooking up with barely legal women. Shep isn’t squicked out by that prospect at all. In fact, he thinks that’s an okay way to spend his twilight years.
As Thomas is bragging to Landon about the Ravenel legacy, her boy toy, Drew, looks on in silence. Shep takes a moment to toast his bougie lifestyle, then joins the conversation. Landon pulls Shep aside to slam him for yelling at her during her party. But he was only trying to help. She giggles as though all is forgiven. But she’s holding onto that grudge tighter than Thomas is clutching his glass of bourbon.
T-Rav tells Whitney that he likes Landon and confesses they never had sex, no matter what the rumor mill says. She is his perfect mate because they’re both O.C. (Our Class). Gross. As Landon sits down to talk with them, Thomas says he doesn’t think Landon is attracted to him. She refutes this. Though she does find Thomas attractive, all that baby mama drama and his playboy reputation are a turnoff.
While Shep flirts with Bailey, a woman he dated briefly last season, Chelsea uncomfortably looks on. Next, Eliza Limehouse crawls onto Shep’s lap. Cameran keeps up her campaign for him to pursue Chelsea, but Shep finally admits it’s not going to happen. He’s not going to chase after her. Meanwhile, Austen and Chelsea sneak off to talk. They decide to move forward and keep hanging out. She really likes Austen, and Shep perfectly content playing the horny, single bro.