Welcome back, my steel magnolias. On this episode of Southern Charm, we find Cameran Eubanks and her friend, Chelsea, at the gym. As Cameran burps last night’s cheese and performs pullups, she asks about Chelsea’s date with Shep Rose. Shep recently spent the night, but according to Chelsea, they’re strictly PG.
Landon Clements and Craig Conover meet over a charcuterie. Craig is helping his girlfriend, Naomie, with her BFF’s charity. The whole reason Craig wants to become independently wealthy and travel is to help those less fortunate. How does he plan to become wealthy? Well, he’s still working that part out. Still, his goal is to have some kind of career in philanthropy — but his real dream is not having to work. Hey, mission accomplished, buddy.
Naomie’s in a dither because she put Craig in charge of certain tasks for the fundraiser, such as the step and repeat. Or as he calls it, the step and retreat. Landon points out that socialites need to “give back” to society. Sorry, Landon, but society doesn’t want your sloppy seconds. When Naomie discovers that Craig has knocked off only part of his to-do list, she’s not happy to find he’s having a relaxing beer with Landon. She’d best get used to this half-assed attitude because Craig is the man who lied about finishing law school and being in charge of JD’s bourbon division. This is who he is, girl.
Shep is getting ready to go to Rhode Island for a wedding when Naomie arrives at his new beach house to collect a donation. He’s giving away a $100 gift certificate to his bar. Here’s a little financial tip: being cheap is how you hold onto your inheritance, kids! The fundraiser benefits the people of Haiti post-earthquake, but Craig thought they’d suffered a tsunami. Oh, that Craig, so ignorant about Haitian current events. Naomi and Shep have a laugh at Craig’s expense.
Meanwhile over a meat platter, Landon discusses that she’s upset Shep ruined her website reveal party with his unwelcomed advice. In fact, she was in tears after he said the YachtMe people were talking shit about her. Craig thinks Shep just likes dumping on people, because that’s what trust fund douche bags do. Landon feels Shep is nothing but a bully. Craig agrees, saying Shep gets pleasure from keeping him down.
Over at Shep’s, he pretty much agrees. He tells Naomie that Landon and Craig need to knocked down a few pegs. Naomie wants to see them succeed. She tells Shep that he’d be more effective by building people up instead of tearing them down. Shep thinks he’s being a good friend to those two delusional losers by telling them the truth.
Kathryn Dennis decides to seek employment this week — at a modeling agency. She shows up with invisible brows and not a hint of makeup, showing old pictures from when she was in high school. Kathryn explains that her kids are now “older” — by which she means her youngest is 8 months — so she’s ready to resume her career. The agency woman tells her to start looking professional and to stop flashing her old portfolio. She also suggests that Kathryn and her kids do a photoshoot together because companies are always on the lookout for real families. Does the photographer count as a supervisor for those visitations with Kensie and Saint?
Thomas Ravenel dresses in a shirt with epaulettes and salutes himself in the mirror. As he thinks over his mistakes, he wishes he’d met someone older and more mature than Kathryn. I’m sure he did, but they were too savvy to get knocked up by his bourbon-soaked sperm. When Landon comes by for a drink, T-Rav complains about how hectic life is with children. He wants to put on an exhibition polo match and he could use Landon’s help. Landon is finally ready to ignore the rumors that she had sex with Thomas and come out of hiding. Thomas tells Landon he no longer sees or speaks to Kathryn, therefore it’s time for an appropriate woman who can give him companionship. Landon is perfect on both counts. Then he starts saying random words in French, so she knows he’s being serious.
At Craig’s house, Naomie tells Craig to stop waiting until the last minute to complete his tasks. Craig says she needs to calm down and stop taking everything so personally. He doesn’t even understand stress. I’m sure not having a job contributes to that considerably. Naomie mentions her very mature disagreement with Shep from the day before. When she said she understood Shep’s frustration with Craig, Craig compares himself to an abused wife who no longer has any self-esteem. Craig feels betrayed that Naomie doesn’t have his back.
Thomas heads downtown to a boys’ night out. In the restaurant, he sees a woman he once hooked up with. And guess what? Shep hooked up with her, too. Newbie, Austen, thinks all this “cross pollination” of sexual partners is weird. Especially since T-Rav and Shep are distant cousins. Thomas drops that Landon is planning his polo party. All the men present admit they never slept with Landon. Thomas says he has too much respect for her. Uh huh. Shep, the walking petri dish, tells how he once introduced himself to a girl he slept with the night before. Moscow mules will wipe your memory every time, bro. Side note — they were joined by a man with a mullet who look like he’d time warped from 1984.
After dinner, the men hit the bar and meet up with a girl who turned 21. She wants to know why Shep and Austen are hanging out with some old dude (aka Thomas). Which is a perfect segue to the camera panning on Whitney. He joins the men as Shep is looking for his friend, Daisy. She comes by with Bree — you know, like the cheese. Austen says Shep needs to up the quality of his sexual partners if he ever wants to find someone special. Just as Daisy and Shep are canoodling, Bree drags Daisy away, claiming she found some real men at the bar aka Thomas. Whitney warns Austen that Shep is proprietary — even with women he doesn’t care about.
Craig comes home two hours before the fundraiser. He proudly shows Naomie the step and repeat. Now she needs him to print out information about the silent auction. He thinks she’s stressing needlessly, but when the printer doesn’t work, she tells him to figure it out and leaves.
Cameran meets Whitney, who is housesitting for his mom, Patricia Altschul. Thomas calls and says he’s ready to find a real woman. He’s not coming to the charity event because Kathryn will be there. Whitney and Cameran praise this 55-year-old man for his new-found maturity.
Naomie is putting out items for the silent auction, but Craig is at home, trying to get the printer to work. He takes valuable time to fix his hair before making his way to the event. When he finally arrives with the step and repeat, Naomie realizes Craig didn’t print everything she needed. He thinks she’s crippled by stress. In the end, everything works out, but Naomie says it’s only because someone else is always picking up Craig’s slack.
Whitney and Cameran arrive together for the event and Jen Snowden makes an appearance. Naomie’s French parents praise her for a job well done. She complains about Craig — in French. Her mom tells her that men are screw ups and she needs to get used to it. Landon comes with her business partner, Anna. Anna is glad that Shep didn’t show up since he made Landon cry at her website reveal party. But he did send her a picture of a fish he caught that morning. That Shep. Such a scamp.
Cameran and Whitney talk about Shep and Chelsea, who just arrived. According to Whitney, Shep boinked Cameran’s pal. Which is very upsetting because Chelsea said she and Shep hadn’t done the deed. Cameran doesn’t know who’s lying, but she’ll get to the bottom of it. Craig talks to Naomie’s parents. They ask him to count to ten in French. He gets to five or six before switching over to Spanish. Naomie’s dad says while Craig may be cute, he needs to work. I think that’s what Shep’s been trying to say for the last three years.
Cameran confronts Chelsea about hooking up with Shep. She and Whitney called Shep to ask him, and he denies it. Chelsea is a little surprised that Cameran didn’t take her word for it.
Craig’s law school classmate is in attendance. Not only has he graduated and passed the bar, but he has a job. Naomie complains to anyone and everyone how Craig botched his printing job. Andrew notes that Craig’s gardening skills are killing Instagram. Craig comes over and announces the charity made their financial goal. He apologizes to Naomie for not being more responsible. She sees all Craig’s faults and loves him anyway. Oh, Naomie. I pity you. I really do.
Chelsea and Austen flirt like mad. She grills him about his last relationship and wants to know what he looks for in a girl. It just so happens to be someone like Chelsea. At thirty-one, she thinks she might be too old for him. He scoffs and gets her number. She asks if he’ll pick her up for a date like a real man instead of meeting her at a bar. (I think that was a dig at you, Shep.)
And so we end another episode. What do you think of Craig and Naomie’s relationship? Will these two make it or will she see the light? Is Shep a jerk or being helpful with his criticism?