The Real Housewives of New York begins in Sonja’s home, where we get our first glimpse of rookie, Tinsley Mortimer. Tinsley used to be the “it girl” and is shacking up with Sonja, after moving back to the NYC. Tinsley will be with Sonja until she finds her own place, or a new man, whichever comes first. We jump to Bethenny’s, where she is modeling her Halloween look — Cher dressed as a slutty leopard. Ramona arrives, snubs Bethenny’s new dogs, and ignores her catty grab for attention. Bethenny and Ramona quibble about what constitutes a proper doggy greeting, and Ramona complains that Bethenny only likes her when she’s anemic. The gals chat about Luann’s pre-wedding festivities, and Ramona catches the gaggle up on her latest Tom investigation. Ramona has all the tea, but vows to shut up and allow Luann to bask in her own ignorant bliss.
Meanwhile, the lovestruck ignoramus herself is busy hat shopping with her daughter, Victoria. Luann reveals that annoying Sonja chatter is getting back to her, and they determine that Sonja is bitter and jealous.
Back at Bethenny’s, the ladies begin to dish about Sonja, and the new girl on the Bravo block. Bethenny smirks, her whiskers twitching at the prospect of fresh cast meat to rip to shreds. They banter about how Tinsley was once a front row socialite, but is now a scandalous stalker. Ramona shares her Google research about the newbie, while Bethenny offers her synopsis of the new bunny boiler. Tinsley was up here, but now she’s down there. We hear the nightmarish news that Carole is having an election night party — and Ramona immediately volunteers to bring the earplugs. Ramona dares to toss out a comment in her candidate’s direction — and Carole almost lunges at her throat. Bethenny does a double-take, shocked that her bestie is becoming a fellow insufferable know-it-all. Carole prattles on and on, and Bethenny bravely busts her ass for acting like a political elitist.
Sonja and Tinsley face a new day, as Sonja’s final play performance is revisited. Tinsley shares a few nervous thoughts about readjusting to New York, before sharing more about her past, her ex, and their ultimate split. Sonja helps Tinsley make a list of must-haves in her next love interest, with a few active sperm making the top spot. Tinsley admits to making bad choices — including a toxic relationship, which ended in an arrest. We get a peek at the newbie’s mugshot, before we hop on over to Dorinda, who is checking in for a bone-freezing session. Ramona shows up, boobs up and out, on her way to meet a man. The pair chats about the info Ramona has vowed to keep quiet — including the fact that Tom is ramming his tongue down every barfly’s throat in the city. Ramona will be respectfully silent — unless, of course, Bravo cameras are in her face. Dorinda complains about Sonja spreading rumors about her, and is pondering how to shut her up.
Tinsley decides to get reacquainted with the city, while detailing how she rose to “it” status. She tries on a fancy gown, and explains how wavy hair locked her rise to the top of the social ladder. She calls her old life “perfect,” and after 4 years, she wants perfection back. Meanwhile, Dorinda and Hannah are furniture shopping for Hannah’s new place. Hannah melodramatically complains about having to wait for free furniture, as Dorinda dreams about her daughter’s big mouth living somewhere else. Over at Bethenny’s, the Skinnygirl is chattering about wardrobe, organization, and purging her red and black crap for a good cause. Bethenny used to slam every woman in her path, but is now committed to helping them get into a size negative zero for success. We hear mention of Bethenny’s boyfriend, Dennis — who is smart, but not immersion-worthy. Bethenny admits that she is submerged in an eternal “me, myself, and I” phase, and as usual, she’s happy to be there. Bethenny’s assistants enthusiastically echo her every sentiment — right on cue.
Sonja is busily decorating her garden for the Mad Hatter tea party, and her staff of volunteers are busily preparing for the gathering. Sonja hopes that Tinsley isn’t too skinny for her bitchy friends, crossing her fingers that her mugshot brows will make her acceptably less successful. Ramona shows up, and stares blankly at Sonja’s neighbor like she’s a hired hand. Meanwhile, Sonja, Tinsley and the butler temp titter about Ramona, while she scarfs down a sandwich. Ramona is hungry, and therefore a bit cranky to all surrounding females. Sonja did not invite Dorinda, and is still droning on about being left out of last season’s Berkshires nightmare. Carole shows up, just as Bethenny snarks that afternoon tea parties are only cool for crusty cooches — not the bloody one we all had to endure last season.
Ramona babbles 90 mph to Carole in the garden, catching up for lost time. Ramona dishes about the feud going on between Dorinda and Sonja — and how Dorinda won her houseguest raffle. Ramona giggles about her teeny bopper hickeys, as Tinsley talks through her jitters before her grand entrance. Ramona treads lightly into political yammer, tweaking Carole, who assures us all that her knowledge is far superior to anyone on this under-a-rock cast. The guests begin to trickle in, and Bethenny is horrified to learn that she is the only one who actually paid attention to the dress code. Bethenny offers the new girl a polite hello, as Luann arrives. Luann and Bethenny’s friendship is chilly — especially after that epically venomous reunion exchange. Tinsley admits that she blabs about her arrest a lot, hoping to erase the terrifying eyebrow flashbacks. Luann pulls Sonja aside to chat privately, calling out Sonja’s public comments about Tom. Sonja reiterates the jabs, assuring Luann that when her love crashes and burns, she will be there to put out the flames. Sonja shades Dorinda for introducing Luann to a player — HER player in fact. Luann laughs off Sonja’s accusations, and notes that she is acting like a brat from Bravo High. Luann points out that Sonja is not supportive, and clinging to the past. Sonja is worried about Luann, and appears peeved that she didn’t score a murky yellow bridesmaid dress. Luann believes that Sonja is jealous that she landed her old few-time lover, and that she might be suffering from residual yacht envy. Tinsley shares that Sonja is her new dating consultant, triggering a few amused side-eyes. Tinsley notes that Bethenny is one cold B, while Bethenny illustrates, by shading Luann’s dress to the snarky butler.
Next week, the ladies are Hamptons bound —and it looks like tensions are about to boil over.