The long awaited Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion launched Tuesday night — in a messy tangle of sequins, extensions, shade and snark. The show begins with a pre-show prep clip, where we see the ladies scurrying around getting primped for the smackdown. Erika is given high-five kudos for breaking out the undies, but Rinna ruins the joy, when she announces that her cooch is stripped bare and raring to go.
Reunion series are always padded with fluff — to enable Andy Cohen to drag them out into 3 episodes. Let’s cut through the fillers and get straight to the dirt.
Andy forces Erika and Dorit to hash out their differences — addressing Dorit’s wardrobe shade, and Erika’s stone-cold heart. Dorit points out that her snark is playful and funny — and not for dreary downers like Erika. Lisa dubs Dorit a chatterbox, which triggers spontaneous applause. The infamous t-shirt tent is let off the hook, as Dorit hopes that Erika will relax, and use some of Tom’s cash to buy a sense of humor. Eileen’s innocent child murder comment tossed at Erika is rehashed, and Eileen assures us that Erika can rip her a new one whenever she feels like it — no apology necessary. Erika says that she felt so terrible afterwards that she even loaned out her glam squad the next evening. The gift of glitz allowed Erika to stall her apology, and Eileen completely forgot that she had been verbally lashed. Erika labels herself sensitive, and slow to “reveal herself” — 2 seasons later. Erika later shares that she is super generous with “her employees,” especially when her loaded grandhubby is picking up the tab.
Lisa and Eileen hash out some old biz, and Lisa admits that she snarked about Vince out of leftover bitterness. Eileen stifles an “AHA!!” — pointing out that she had been right all along about Lisa’s nasty sniping skills. Lisa apologizes quickly, and crosses her fingers. Lisa admits that it gives her a giggle to zing Rinna, because the cast bigmouth is a unique combo of silly ninny and raging bitch.
The new girl on the 90210 block, Dorit Kemsley, stands in the spotlight next. Dorit explains her decision to keep lots of household help around, and defends her skittish accent. We learn that she can speak four languages, any of which can emerge at any time. Dorit laughs off Rinna’s shade about her dialect — but Erika can’t manage the same bit of grace for Dorit. Dorit defends her husband before he enters the scene, and silently prays that PK isn’t pecked to death on sight. Dorit admits that she travels with a glam squad — but only with workers who are willing to fly coach.
The Mommy Side-Step
Andy Cohen all but cha-chas around the main issue surrounding Erika and her son — that she left him back east at the age of three. Erika and Andy quick step between the hard facts, while Erika bores us all about the trials of being a mother to a police officer. “Her boy” does not care for reality shout-outs, and Erika is committed to protecting his privacy. Erika knew that her offspring wanted to be a cop since he could walk and talk — the last milestones she can recall. Lisa asks Erika a question relating to raising her son, which not surprisingly, goes unanswered. Erika reveals that she was 20-years old when she birthed her baby — and proudly states that she was once a full-time mom. Erika did not use a nanny for the whole three years, prior to her escape. Erika and Andy’s dodgy tango deserves a 6 — smooth enough, but transparently obvious.
The Panty Chronicles
PK makes his way to the reunion sofa, and shares that he makes money in real-estate and hedge funds. He admits that he should butt out of the lady biz more often, because his snappy snark was not appreciated. We soon learn that Pantygate lives — because Erika’s bare cooch refuses to be put in a corner. The undie hysteria is then rewound from snatch-flash to Rinna-rant. Rinna announces that her legs shall remain clamped — obviously wishing and hoping that PK would toss her bony below a quick looksie. Dorit points out that an exposed hoo-ha is tough to ignore, especially when the owner drumrolls it’s coming out.
The group agrees that Erika’s lady-part chatter has been pulverized into a pink pulp, and PK assures Erika that the peep show was no big thrill. Lisa points out that Erika routinely calls raunchy sassy, but Erika objects, demanding that all things cu*ty be inadmissible. Erika Jayne is just a “stage persona” — which happens to be appearing on Dancing With the Stars, as a real person, and clunky dancer. Erika accuses PK of calling her a deliberate flasher — an unfair accusation, because that simply never occurred — at least in Bravo’s edit.
Don’t miss Part 2 of the reality bloodbath!