Welcome, my little mint julips, to a new episode of Southern Charm. As we hone in on our friends from Charleston, we meet up at Thomas Ravenel’s house. His friend, Whitney Sudler-Smith, drops in for a spell. Whitney and his pretend German model girlfriend, Larissa, have called it quits. Thomas wants Whitney to enjoy his bachelor status by going out to the clubs every night and hooking up with women onsite, in the public bathrooms is need be. Because blue bloods are classy that way.
Thomas’s baby mama, Kathryn Dennis talks about her time in rehab. She’s ashamed disappointed in her herself. She drives over to Danni Baird’s house to talk about her life and her future as a mother. Thomas has temporary custody, and she’s missing those kids something awful—not enough to stay sober in the past two months, but whatever. Now that she’s passed her drug test, she can finally see them. The kids aren’t the only people Kathryn hasn’t visited. She hasn’t seen her old friend, Jennifer Snowden, either. Kathryn got suspicious when T-Rav and his former nemesis, Jen, started acting friendly—never mind that Jen was pregnant with baby who had a life-threatening condition. Kathryn can’t be concerned with other people. She only cares about herself and her ill-fated romance with Thomas.
Speaking of Jen, Cameran Eubanks stops by to see baby Ascher. Only a month old and he’s already had brain surgery. He’s a tough little man, and pulled through just fine. Cameran may give Ascher a cuddle, but that doesn’t mean she’s feeling the slightest bit maternal. Jennifer appreciated the visit. In fact, almost everyone has reached out to her except for Kathryn. Jen texted the jealous redhead the night before she gave birth, but Kathryn didn’t bother to respond. Cameran tells Jen she’s always the bigger, better person.
Shep Rose is waiting at the batting cage for his old pal, Craig Conover. But these two are more like frenemies than buddies. Shep is still angry that Craig bamboozled everybody into thinking he graduated law school. He wants the truth, damn it. So when Craig arrives half an hour late, sporting a red, swollen eyeball (allergies from his pet cat), Shep demands to know why Craig lied. Does he even realize he’s out of the texting group with Shep, Cameran, and Whitney? That is some serious shit, people! They are group texting without Craig. That’s how much of a loser he’s become!
Craig thinks Shep should stay in his lane. Sure, law may not be Craig’s dream job—that would be playing baseball at a professional level—but he’ll figure it out. As he misses ball after ball, proving he would be as good at baseball as he is practicing the law, Craig says he feels sorry for Shep. Shep is a 36-year-old man who goes out every night without a girlfriend to come home to. Pathetic! Craig doesn’t have to prove himself to anyone. And if he’s out of the texting circle, so what? He has a cat now. He doesn’t need real friends.
Over at Landon’s lair, her business partner, Anna, and her intern, Emma, sit at Landon’s dining room table and talk about her website, Roam. No, you can’t book hotels from the site. No, you can’t make dinner reservations—that’s phase two. Still, Landon is so proud of her site that she’s hosting a viewing party for her friends. She’s even going to borrow some iPads from the university so that she can show everyone her creation. And if Roam doesn’t work out, she’ll finally have to get a job in Daddy’s real estate office. But only as a last resort.
When Cameran goes to a watering hole to meet her friend, Chelsea, talk turns to Shep. Cameran thinks the two would be perfect together, since they’re both singletons who like to hunt and fish. Though Chelsea thinks Shep’s nice and interesting when he’s not wasted—which is most of the time—she’s not jumping on the Shep bandwagon just yet. She’ll meet him for drinks as long as Cameran comes along as a buffer.
At Men’s Night Out, Whitney, Shep, and newcomer, Austen Kroll, order drinks and “taters.” They talk about the women in their social circle. Shep still wonders if Landon landed T-Rav. Shep’s not sure why he cares anyway. This is America where people f*ck! And speaking of Landon, Shep heard some very sad news. He met with developers of an app called YachtMe. They had some unpleasant things to say about Landon from their meetup with her in Nantucket. According to the yacht folks, Landon thought their logo looked like crap. Also, she doesn’t hang out with millionaires. She’s friends with billionaires, with a “b”, bitches. And money is just a word because where Landon goes, everything is paid for. Suck on that, yachties! Shep is so terribly disturbed, he just can’t keep all that tea to himself. Austen thinks Landon seems very down to earth, but Shep, who apparently thinks he’s a psychologist this season, says Landon is trying to project an image instead of being herself.
Over at Craig and Naomie’s house, he’s lighting a melted wax puddle as he waits for his woman to get home from class. Naomie is working on her MBA. Craig is unsure of this strange, new word: work. What is this foreign concept? Anway, poor Naomie isn’t sure how Craig spends his time. But those tricky Bravo producers put together a compilation of Craig’s day. Mostly it involves his new friend, the cat. He putters around the garden in a straw hat, pulling the cat in a wagon, he watches the cat give itself a bath, and he talks to the cat while making dinner. He seems perfectly content to play dad to his new feline. But in Naomie’s dream world, Craig would get his shit together and become a successful attorney. She wants a high paying job, and together, they will become a Charlestonian power couple who travel for fun. I’m guessing in this little fantasy they won’t be booking their luxury trips through Landon’s Roam website.
At the new bar, Scarecrow, Landon is getting ready to unveil Roam. One by one, her friends start showing up. Craig arrives with a wide-collared shirt and a pissy attitude. The moment he sees Cameran, they confront each other. Cameran wants to know why Craig is saying they’re not friends. He relays all that happened with Shep and isn’t happy they’re now using the texting circle to make fun of him. But Cameran says they only make fun of his Instagram posts, not him personally—and she’s not sorry about that. They sort of makeup. When Shep comes in for a hug, Craig rebuffs him and offers a hand to Austen instead. Craig gives heated side-eyes to Shep for the rest of the night. Landon’s boyfriend, Drew, pops in wearing a tux. He’s off to a wedding after. Thomas isn’t impressed with the younger man and refuses to speak to him. Cameran straight up asks Landon if she and Drew are dating. Landon bizarrely answers, “Yes, we’re going to have 10,000 babies.” Um…okay, crazy.
Borrowed iPads litter the bar and everyone is looking at Roam. Whitney asks Anna if Landon wrote all the content herself. Nope. Anna wrote it all, which begs the question: what the hell does Landon do Thomas says that Roam isn’t pixelated. There’s a perfectly clear picture on that there screen but he tells Whitney that Landon has amazing skills — oral skills that is. At first, I don’t know if Whitney is smiling or giving a look of disapproval. His face literally doesn’t move. But then he throws his head back and opens his wide mouth, barking out a laugh, and I am relieved.
When Shep and Landon finally talk, he congratulates her. She tells him that she’s found a purpose. And you can even visit her website on your phone!!!! Shep pulls her aside and tells her the YachtMe people are basically saying she’s a spoiled brat. Landon’s upset that people are talking about her. Sure, she said their website looked like a dating app, but she never said the rest of the things they’re accusing her of. Shep tells her to behave herself and act nice. She needs to be humble and grow slowly. Landon says when she’s not a bitch, people walk all over her. Landon’s night is ruined thanks to Shep. She clomps over to Anna and says he called her a bitch. Now she just wants to go home.
The next night, Shep and Chelsea arrive for their date three-way date. They order a strong, fancy drink before Cameran shows up. Shep takes the opportunity to tell them that Landon didn’t behave herself with the YachtMe people. He’s thinking of investing with them. Cameran offers a mumble of concern, then says these two crazy kids don’t need her. She’s heading home. They can date on their own.
We can see how Bravo is setting things up for the season. Craig keeps saying he doesn’t have to prove himself to anyone, but in the end, I think he’ll want to prove his worth to Naomie. Shep will decide that he needs to take his own advice instead of dishing it out. And hopefully Whitney’s face will move again in time for the reunion. But this is such a wonderfully twisty show, you never know what’s in store.
So, what did you think of this episode?