Welcome back to the Real Housewives of New York. I’ll be your temporary tour guide through the Big Apple for the season nine premiere.
All of the Housewives have changed their taglines. I still don’t think Sonja Morgan understands that Big Edie and Little Edie were straight up screwballs, but she her tagline was hilarious. “There’s nothing Grey about my Gardens.” As Ramona Singer would say — kudooze, Sonja!
The episode opens with Bethenny Frankel heads off to Skinny Girl Central for a date with Fredrik Eklund of Million Dollar Listing New York. That Tribeca apartment that her ex, Jason, was holding hostage for four years belongs to her now. Fredrik staged the apartment and it’s ready to sell. He and Bethenny quibble about the asking price, then take off to see how it turned out.
Over in Central Park, Dorinda Medley and Luann D’Agostino, the former Countess, meet up to talk about Luann’s upcoming wedding. She’s expecting 250 guests, and she gushes about how compatible she and Tom are. She hasn’t invited any of the women except for Dorinda because she doesn’t want a bunch of harpies screeching during the reception. Dorinda and Sonja aren’t on speaking terms and haven’t been for some time. Dorinda is disgusted that Sonja is talking shit to the press, saying she’ll be there for Luann when the marriage to Tom doesn’t work out. Not only that, Sonja’s been dragging Dorinda all summer, blaming her for setting Luann up with a philanderer. So, he was good enough to hump, but not good enough for Luann to marry? Luann reveals that Ramona called up Tom’s ex-girlfriend in Cali. She’s digging for dirt on Tom, and Luann wants it to stop. Luann thinks if Ramona has real information regarding Tom’s wandering love wand, it’s up to her as a friend to tell Luann the truth. Uh huh. Because that worked so well last time. Sonja’s also questioned Dorinda’s relationship with John along with her financial status. Dorinda is about to bitch slap Sonja, Berkshires style — you know, while she’s wearing something cozy, like flannel.
Sonja’s vast sexual history is finally coming in handy. She’s starring in an Off Broadway play called Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man. When we see Sonja onstage, she’s alone and shouting to the stage manager, “Forget the penis. We go back to the nipples.” (Which, by the way, is going to be my new ringtone.) She’s having a little trouble remembering her lines, but she’s not worried — everyone will laugh. I’m just not sure if they’ll be laughing with her or at her.
Meanwhile, Ramona bounces around with her contractor, Mario. She wants a new kitchen and a new bathroom sink — in case she ever gets a lover who might need to wash his hands. Then she tells Mario she’s looking for a man in his 50s who’s ready for some fun. Does he know anyone? Actually, yes. Mario has a few guys in mind. Ramona wants an itemized list for her apartment and a bank statement from her future hookups.
Bethenny and Fredrik walk through her newly staged apartment. It’s all white. Bravo showed a video of Bethenny walking into the apartment after Jason relinquished it. She sobs hysterically as she notes the ripped furniture and scuffed floors. But it’s a new day and a fresh coat of paint. She’s firm on Fredrik getting 6.995 million from a buyer. After gasping over her apartment styling, Bethenny zips over to Sonja’s. She’s collecting clothes for the charity Dress for Success. Sonja is giving away all of her Gucci loafers from the 80s — minus the pennies, because she needs every bit of change she can scrounge — and claims that she used to date Albert, the Prince of Monaco. She even has the purple blouse to prove it.
Over at Carole Radziwill’s, we see that she has a couple of new roommates. She and Adam are “shacking up” and have adopted two kittens. Dorinda comes over and the ladies talk about the hiccup in their friendship last year. They resolve not to let petty bullshit ruin their widowhood bond.
Sonja and Bethenny talk about — what else? — Luann’s upcoming wedding. Sonja says she was invited, but it’s during the New Year, and only a dumbass doesn’t know Sonja goes to Phuket every New Year. Duh! Though Sonja attended Lu’s bridal shower, she’s still upset at losing her ex-lover, Tom, to one of her best friends. Don’t worry, Sonja. You’ve got a whole dishwasher full of toys to help during those lonely nights.
At Tom’s palatial penthouse, Luann talks to her wedding coordinator in Florida. When she married the Count, they had a simple service at the courthouse and she wore jeans. Now she’s having the wedding of her dreams. By getting remarried, she’s not losing her identity as the Countess — she’s becoming Mrs. D’Agostino instead. Um…has anyone told Lu about a little thing called the women’s movement? That she can have her own identity, independent from the man she’s marrying. No? Okay, then.
Dorinda shows up at Ramona’s apartment for lunch, but Ramona’s out. She had a lunch date before her lunch date with Dorinda. When she arrives, they sit down to salad and Pellegrino as talk turns to Luann. (Because all talk will be about Luann this season. We must brace ourselves and suffer through.) Anyway, Ramona is pissy that she didn’t get an invite to the wedding shower. Because she’s so supportive of this marriage, why shouldn’t she get an invite? Ramona thinks Luann has an open relationship with Tom because she heard through the grapevine that Luann was hitting on a 30-year-old man in Miami. This marriage is doomed! Ramona jumps up from the table, twirls a few times, and raises her hands like a Baptist preacher on Sunday morning, while Dorinda looks on calmly and eats her salad. Oh, and Ramona is okay with John now. So, that’s new.
Carole brings her dog over to Bethenny’s for a playdate. Not only does Bethenny have her faithful dog, Cookie, but she just added two new puppies to her family. Biggie and Smalls are adorable. Bethenny shares the news that she got a full offer on her apartment — all cash — in one day. But Carole can’t stop talking about the election long enough to take a breath. She’s pro Hill all the way.
For our final scene of the night, Ramona and Luann finally come face to face after not having seen each other in months. Ramona demands to know why she wasn’t invited to the bridal shower. Lu wants to be surrounded by people who wish her well, not Ramona, who’s calling everyone in Tom’s old rolodex, asking for gossip. Ramona defends herself. After all, Tom’s ex-girlfriend, the same one Ramona called, went to the press, saying she and Tom still make out and he calls her every day. Lu is all, whatever, they’re friends. Ramona thinks Luann should just fess up to an open relationship. Luann denies it, and asks Ramona to be happy for her. Ramona wishes her old friend much happiness — and hopes Luann doesn’t “fall on her face” and get hurt by Tom. Cheers!
So, did you enjoy the first episode? Did Luann make a mistake? And did Ramona get another brow lift?