The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills begins right back at Lisa’s glittery wine party, with the ladies poised and ready to launch their finale drama. Dorit and PK discuss the pill-rumors with Lisa, kicking things off by sharing a giggle about the mouthy cast druggie. The ladies chitchat, and Rinna reminds Lisa that forking over her falsies should score her mercy for life. Rinna kisses up to Ken, as Eileen finally accepts Lisa’s last season apologies — a breathtaking finale twist. Eileen is stunned to realize that Lisa has her own beliefs, and GASP — a real beating heart. Eden arrives, looking like an attention-starved princess, and Mauricio escorts Kyle and Erika into the bash.
Rinna and Kyle snark about Dorit’s golden dome, as Camille offers yet another forgettable entrance, predictably blending into the scenery. Kim shows up looking fab in a vavava-voom dress, and we get a photo glimpse at her sweet baby grandson. Eden sits down with Rinna and Eileen — and Rinna offers a closing summary on the weirdo rookie. Bravo flashes us back to the junk boat drama, where Eden evidently played vague on the Xanax controversy. Eden whips out her poor-me puppy eyes, blaming her tragic history for “shutting down.” Eden labels Rinna’s energy “awkward and evil” — hoping that saying so will make her super groovy, popular, and adored.
Lisa makes a nice toast to Pandora and Jason, and a song is offered in honor of the newest Bravo-hawked product. Kim approaches Dorit, and Dorit commiserates with her about similar experiences with the unhinged cast thug. Dorit tells Kim about what went down in Hong Kong, and wonders if Rinna hustles deflection. Kim says heck yes, and labels Rinna “mean and vicious.” Meanwhile, the others swap gross cooch and birth canal anecdotes, as the guests mix and mingle. A few of the ladies visit the glitzy mascots — two humiliated and bedazzled mini horses. Erika snarks that Lisa covets her jewelry, and whines that the queen is having entirely too much fun with her undergarment drama.
Across the party, Kim begins to bitch about Rinna’s diarrhea-mouth, and high-fives Dorit as the newest member of the Rinna victim club. Lisa prods her to let Rinna in on the slam session, so Kim grabs the chance, when Rinna hollers a congratulations on becoming a sober granny. Kyle tries to contain her glee, and Erika and Rinna swap one-liners about the high-drama finale potential. Rinna dodges the confrontation, instead reconvening with the coven to get their input.
In Group 2, PK joins the session to get the latest dish. Eileen butts in and bellows for Kyle, dying to tattle on her sister, as PK complains about the tired hysteria to Mauricio. Dorit hashes out the mess again with Lisa, and Lisa just wishes that all cast lips could stay clamped shut. Dorit confronts Rinna about the chaos in Asia, and Rinna points to being tipped off that her pill bag was stealing her thunder. Dorit denies the accusation, and Lisa and Kyle remind everyone that Rinna herself babbles endlessly about popping pills. Erika jumps up, her hunger for soapy melodrama inspiring her to action. Bravo flashes us back to the convo between Dorit and Eden — and Eden reminds us that Rinna is not the only me-me-me truth teller on the block. Dorit continues to blast Rinna — implying that her coke party insinuation was out of line. Lisa defends her friend, before Kim jumps in and lists all of the women that Rinna has had on her hit list — in quite a snappy flashback. Lisa gives one last jab at Rinna’s pattern, before Dorit unleashes. Her spot-on scolding triggers Rinna to invade her space — always jabbing her bony elbows into personal boundaries. Dorit tells her starved breath to back off, soundly putting Rinna in her place. The duo agrees that they are both “nutters” before Rinna — knowing that she’d been beat— launches into her rinse-and-repeat defense of Erika.
Erika joins, and rambles on about the plight of being cold and panty-less, while Soapy and Sudsy cackle in the background. Lisa points out that it was just a silly gesture, and that Dorit apologized until her accent was exhausted. Erika fakes amnesia — an original lie obviously too creatively challenging. Erika claims that the crotch talk was unacceptable — and shut down any chance for a friendship with Dorit. Erika asks PK if her cooch is as alluring as she thinks it is, and PK responds with an “eh, maybe.” PK points out that the bitch gaggle is a bunch of bullies, and that Erika is as icy as a pair of frozen undies. Erika acts mildly offended, but confesses in her talking head that PK is pretty spot-on. PK wonders when Erika’s cooch will ever unclench, and calls her delusional for thinking that her cold shoulder would ever be taken as kind. PK offends by throwing out a “honey,” but promises that he will do his best to keep his snarky affection to himself.
Eileen kicks off the next segment by shading PK for using the word “inherently” about Erika’s obvious social frigidity. Eileen clutches her pearls over PK’s audacity — and can’t imagine her gambling honey stooping so inherently low. PK admits that he never thought that Erika was luring him to the puss, which seems to make Erika happy. Dorit shades Eileen for being an instigating fangirl, and PK blasts Soapy and Sudsy for being inherently rude, and regularly annoying. Dorit apologizes for the umpteenth time, while PK swaps snark with Ken about the high drama peep-show. Erika shares that the knicker-gift was excruciating, and Dorit almost offers the gold leaf off her scalp to make Erika happy. Erika pronounces Dorit “authentic” — strange coming from someone who routinely runs like the wind from the word.
Eden, tired of being the shifty loony-bird in the corner, decides that it’s the finale party or never. She begins to randomly scold Rinna for never being “present” for her. Rinna giggles, and informs her that a crazy blabbermouth isn’t her idea of a trustworthy friend. Eden unleashes a tirade about hearts, energy, and general Rinna disgust. Eden screeches that she has given “everything” to Rinna — and Rinna informs her that rookies face expulsion whenever Queen Lisa is dragged into the mix. The party guests exchange worried glances, wondering what triggered the fairy to go all badass. Eden dramatically flounces out the ball like a pissed-off Cinderella, but Lisa chases her down, to talk her off the ledge. Lisa snickers at the latest dumb sucker to fall into her web of manipulation — even though this nut was hardly a challenge. Erika and Lisa encourage Eden to quit being such a needy freak, as the finale closes. Erika’s story wraps with a nod to her mad, soapy, puss-patting success.
We learn that Eileen’s Jayne obsession will continue into infinity, and that Baby Jags is beginning to speak. Lisa’s pup rescue efforts continue to gain steam. Rinna remains passionate about hustling her offspring — but Kyle and Mauricio don’t have to, because they are beyond loaded.
Buckle up — because the reunion is next!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.