We rejoin The Real Housewives of Atlanta at the end of the glamping trip from hell – at least for Kandi. She and her friend Hazel will not be traveling on the bus home with the rest of the ladies because she’s had enough of this lesbian nonsense. Porsha didn’t think it was a big deal and considers the weekend a success since police didn’t get called. The bone collector aka Sheree is still collecting her bones on who said what. And Phaedra is still playing like she had nothing to do with any of this messiness.
Back in Atlanta, Cynthia returns to her new home and fills her daughter Noelle and assistant Vikhe in on the fact that Kandi is now a closet lesbian. Vikhe asks what their definition of a lesbian is, and Cynthia responds that apparently if you’ve experimented just one time, you are a lesbian. (There are a whole bunch of lesbians out there, y’all!) Then daughter Noelle asks what the definition of experimenting is, and Cynthia explains if you’ve kissed a girl and liked it, you’ve experimented. Noelle is completely grossed out to learn about this from her mother.
Over at the Kandi Factory, Kandi is having a meeting with her Kandi Koated Krew. Once again, the OLG restaurant is behind schedule. What else is new? Moving on, Kandi then shares Marlo asked if she was a lesbian waiting to come out of the closet. The krew all discuss how Porsha likes to get down with the ladies from time to time. Including this one time at a club when Porsha French-kissed Kandi and told her (brace yourselves folks) she wanted to “eat her pussy until she came.” If you need to stop and take some Pepto-Bismol, we’ll wait. Don Juan can hardly stand this news. He gets up and begins pacing like a rooster on roids, asking, Who says this? According to Kandi, a chick who has done this many times before. Kandi sends Porsha a text asking to meet up next week. Hopefully these two won’t eat during the meeting.
Kenya is having a p*ssy party. Are y’all picking up on a running theme this episode? Anyway, it’s spa time in honor of Cynthia’s vajayjay. Kenya is treating her to a vaginal rejuvenation, which is all the rage with all the Real Housewives these days. But chile, you will get your snatch back, says Kenya, though she also says she doesn’t need one yet. Mmm-hmm. But with most things in life there are pros and cons. Pros: double orgasms. Cons: leakage. Cynthia isn’t excited especially after she sees the probe that will enter her vajayjay, but gets on the doctor’s table anyway. After five minutes Cynthia has had enough and wants the hot wand pulled out. There’s talk of her telling Peter, but that’s just cruel.
Elsewhere, Phaedra is meeting with her attorney Ronne. She has good news and bad news. The good news is the divorce is final between Phaedra and Apollo. The bad news is Phaedra has to tell Apollo. Of course, this could be good news for Phaedra, no telling with this one. In any event, Phaedra takes off her wedding ring as flashbacks of the couple’s short time together are shown.
Back with Kandi, Riley is in the studio with her mom to record a song Kandi wrote about her baby daddy, Block. Riley goes into the booth to record the song, but isn’t really giving it her all. I mean Kim Zolciak had more emotion singing Tardy for the Party. Kandi thinks Riley has music in her blood, but she must take after her daddy and maybe should just manage bands. They decide to stop for the night and try again later.
Phaedra stops by Porsha’s new palace. It’s big and already has a swing set in the backyard so start making dem babies. Phaedra brings her a bottle of Hennessy so Porsha will come on to her because she’s a free woman now. Phaedra tells Porsha she has since called Apollo and the conversation about the divorce was awful. Phaedra is aware Apollo has a girlfriend so she doesn’t understand why he was so upset. It’s called control. She has it; he doesn’t. Phaedra is so ready to ride a pogo stick – like she hasn’t already been riding one or two already. Girl, please.
Cynthia is planning a fashion show for her Cargo line. She wants Noelle to be in it as well as Sheree’s son, Kairo, and warns her partner that Sheree can be a momager. Speak of the devil, in walks Sheree. First question, will Kairo be getting paid. Yes, in backpack money, so take that to the bank and deposit it. Sheree is not happy and tells Cynthia she thinks the fashion show should be on the weekend because school comes first. Cynthia is like, hey, it either works or it don’t. Good luck in New York with that attitude.
Across town, Porsha is meeting up with her Todd. It’s been a rough couple of weeks for the two like-birds, but all is well when Todd gives Porsha a fake diamond necklace. However, Porsha needs answers. Where are they going? What are they doing? And, ain’t no breaks with Porsha. Basically Todd is warned to get in line or get off her underground train. Todd says he’s got the message and plans to fly straight. I think Todd just wants to go on the RHOA annual trip.
It’s showtime! This segment is called: Getting Real with Kandi & Porsha. The women are seated outside because the restaurant doesn’t want their messiness inside. Kandi gets right to it about her being a closet lesbian. Porsha says she was just trying to get to the bottom of things, forgetting that she is the bottom of things. Porsha explains it’s okay for her to talk about Kandi’s sex life because Kandi talked about her sex life with Block. Kandi tells Porsha to own her shit and quit living her life in secret.
Kandi says she’s only been with a chick, but Porsha’s been with several chicks. Porsha says it’s different for her because she’s single and can bring whomever she wants to her bed, to which Kandi replies, she and Todd have only brought one chick in their martial bed. Porsha hides her face with the linen napkin, like she can’t believe Kandi admitted that on TV. Porsha says she’s heard all about Kandi’s sex dungeon. Mmm-hmm. A sex dungeon. Here’s the thing, y’all, if Kandi had a sex dungeon she would have franchised it by now and be selling it along with her sex products online.
Several of the other diners are getting an earful right about now. Kandi repeats what Porsha said that night at the club about dining on her lady parts – several times – but of course Porsha denies this. Porsha accuses Kandi of being in a relationship with a woman for 7 years. Say what?! Porsha says there a woman going around town telling people that she and Kandi were a couple until Kandi ended it abruptly. Kandi calls Porsha a freak-hoe and Porsha tells Kandi she lives in the international house of hoe’s. Kandi then informs Porsha she was just a pass-along groupie amongst the rappers. Porsha retaliates by telling Kandi that her husband Todd goes by the alias Marvin so he can cheat while in New York.
Obviously Porsha is throwing mud, hoping something will stick, all to distract that Porsha likes to take a dip in the lady pond every now and then. No judgment, Porsha. Just own it, hun. Take a step out of your closet. The closest Porsha comes to acknowledging she likes women is when she tells Kandi she ain’t into short and stout. Uh-oh. Watch out Cynthia!
Pack your bags for next time. The ladies and their men are going to Maui!