I can’t wait to go glamping with The Real Housewives of Atlanta. The February 12 episode began with the ladies discussing anger management with Porsha, but the heat from last episode has simmered as the bus finally pulls into the campgrounds. Right away, there’s a couple of problems. Since Phaedra didn’t know everyone was bringing a support buddy, there aren’t enough rooms. Worse than that, the first night’s activity is called “roughing it” and will take place in tents. Marlo announces she needs her own room on account of her farting. And I say, if she’s willing to admit that on camera, give Marlo her own room.
Before they leave for the campsite,
town gossip Sheree, informs town hooker Marlo, that one of the girl’s in the group has been dipping in the lady pond. Marlo guesses Kandi and Sheree says that in order to truly bond — the group must address this — although it’s none of her damn business! But Marlo is here to stir the pot and that’s just what she’ll do.
Phaedra has hired a “camping expert” to help the ladies conquer wilderness, however, the expert only sets up Phaedra’s one of the tents. The rest of the ladies must set their own up. This is not glamping when you make people set up tents at night. Two hours later, which isn’t terrible, the tents are set up and the campfire is blazing. It’s time to play, Ask Marlo. Phaedra asks what’s on trend – besides camel toe. Boom! The answers are chokers and blinged-out cans of Off.
Marlo gives unsolicited advice to Kenya — she’s like, girl…get better eyelashes. Obviously, Marlo hasn’t gotten over the two non-invites from Kenya and the fresh air is making her feisty. First Marlo tells Kenya she “can’t keep a broke man.” Then, like a snake in the grass Marlo says, “If a person’s mother don’t want to be bothered with them — you know something’s wrong.” The rest of the women groan at this comment, but nobody tells Marlo, not even Kandi, don’t talk about our mama’s. Kenya calls Marlo a prostitute and Marlo calls Kenya evil. How about this bonding time? Sign me up.
Day two begins slowly as the women wake up after the sun rises. Turns out, Marlo walked back to the cabins in her high heels in the middle of the night. I guess with all that gas, she was able to go the distance. The ladies return as well to walk their dogs, exercise, make phone calls, and take selfies. They meet for breakfast and learn Kenya has planned their day of fun. Phaedra is asked if she’s finally divorced from Apollo since it’s been a year already. Phaedra explains you can’t get a quickie divorce from a jailbird if that jailbird contests it. Kandi rolls her eyes. Speaking of quickie divorces, Cynthia is almost a free woman. Tears falls as Cynthia says she’s going to be all right, trying mostly to convince herself. The other ladies tell Cynthia how beautiful she is and she’s going to be just fine like grits on a shrimp. It’s the only real moment for the ladies on the entire trip.
The first activity is water sports. Canoeing and boating and yelling. Lots and lots of yelling. Sheree is freaking out that water people pee in is getting in her vajayjay. Next up is free-falling from 100 feet. Good thing the ladies’ pants are already wet. Tally-hoes! Kenya goes first. Then Marlo, and thanks to the helmet, her Rapunzel wig stays on. Next up is Kandi and then Porsha. Kandi is fine, but Porsha thinks she’s going to die. She jumps and survives, though she practically has an attack. After witnessing this, the rest of the women turn around and climbed back down.
Onto the beautifully lit dinner on the patio. The ladies are waiting on Marlo and Sheree who obviously needed the extra time to plan their drama. When Marlo appears, I’m like, damn girl, you should be on the cover of Field & Stream. Marlo is definitely the trendsetter of camping wear in her thigh-high boots, black bear fur jacket and sparkly choker. Just wait ‘til next year — everyone will be wearing it. Meanwhile, TV dinners are served and the women dig in.
Porsha tells the women she’s enjoyed the sisterhood of the traveling positivity. Piggy-backing on that, Kenya gives an apology to Marlo for making her feel bad and Marlo gives Kenya an apology for all the nasty stuff she said about her mom. But since Marlo was brought on the show to start drama, she asks Kandi if she’s a lesbian. Sheree’s reaction is priceless, y’all. Her eyes pop open five times their normal size like she ain’t the one who planted this seed in Marlo’s pea-brained head. The women at the table all say, “Who said that?” like they’re a bunch of owls – and the loudest owl is Porsha.
In a testimonial, Kandi says for the record, she loves her husband’s man-wand, blah, blah, blah. So at the table, Sheree asks the ladies, Okay, which one of you bitches said this, like she don’t already know. Frick and Frack are just sitting there, acting dumb, so Sheree reveals the conversation started with Porsha. Porsha is like, Say what? But then remembers everything like it happened yesterday and says the joke was about peeking out of a closet, not coming out of a closet. Mmm-hmm.
Basically Porsha should have kept her mouth shut – like Phaedra. Who is just sitting there like the owl that ate the canary and is now drinking a glass of wine. Shamea’s name is mentioned on briefly before Sheree starts chanting that’s the bone carrier carrying a bag of bones. Here’s the interesting news, Kandi admits to trying some things with women and says she ain’t the only one at the table who has. Marlo asks Porsha if she’s been with a woman and Porsha says it’s her “personal business” which is code for yes, she has. Kandi says she’s has done the exact same things with a woman that Porsha has done. Which is a clue, but we don’t need Scooby Doo’s help to solve this mystery.
The women go back to their cabins, break into groups, and dissect the messiness from dinner. Frick and Frack blame Sheree and her messbox. In a different cabin, Kandi tells Kenya, Cynthia and Hazel that Porsha is an aggressive lesbian when she gets drunk. And how does she know this? That’s what I’m saying! Porsha says Vegas rules had better apply to this glamping trip or she’s willing to spill some tea on Kandi. Ruh-roh!
Coming up this season on RHOA is a trip to Hawaii where Cynthia and Peter may or may not be back together, Porsha may or may not be pregnant, Apollo may or may not be engaged, Sheree may or may not move into Chateau Sheree, Kim Zolciak may or may not read Kenya, and Kandi may or may not choke the shit out of Porsha.
I am so lucky to combine blogging with my guilty pleasure of watching reality TV. I read all the comments and respond to most. Feel free to reach out to me. If you like fiction, I have two published novels: Three Days in Purgatory and A Reason to Run.