The cast of Sister Wives wrapped their season last night, with the second part of their Tell-All special. The second hour said less than the first — a stunning achievement in nothingness.
Meri and Kody
TLC and a furrowed-brow Kody remind us all that his marriage to Mare was recently on the brink of disaster. Meri chimes in, adding that the ladder struggles are real, and she just needs a guy who gives a crap about reaching the top shelf. Meri is asked to describe her past disdain for Kody, and Kody reiterates that Meri demanded that he take a long leap off a short pier. Mare calls her nasty past attitude “needing space”— leaving out the “forever” part. Andrea asks them how they ever managed to fall in love, and Mare shares that back in the day, she loved Kody’s joie de vivre. Kody adored that Meri worshiped him, and never once asked him to talk to the hand. Christine butts in with a nasally siren objection—but finally agrees that Kody is sperm/spawn obsessed, and far from romantic. Meri reveals that fans are rooting for her to dump the oversexed hound. Kody adds that he doesn’t really care if Meri comes or goes, but his ego might feel the hit. Kody wishes that the whole world would butt out of their biz—but unfortunately you can’t collect a network paycheck that way. When challenged for an answer, Kody says that he would never walk away from “it,” but probably wouldn’t knock himself out to keep “It” from burning alive. Robyn assures the viewers that Kody is a good guy—but “It” is far from convinced. Kody changes his mind later, and invites Mare to jump off that burning bridge, so they can dog-paddle into a fish-less future.
Meri and Mariah
Mare is “over” Fish, and just wishes that Mariah would ignore her endless babble, and move on as well. The wives share that Fish plowed a tidal wave onto the family, even knocking over Janelle. Kody gives us a sad face, and does appear to be more hurt by Mare’s internet canoodle than he’s letting on. Mariah’s coming out to the family is revisited, along with their mixed, though thoroughly joyful reactions. Kody admits to a going through a “process,” in coming to grips with ignoring his twisted religion. He supports his kids no matter what—at least until a son drops the same rainbow colored bomb. Robyn shares her pride for Mariah, and is impressed by how she found truth through the maze of cult double-speak. Kody goes badass, commenting that he isn’t asking anyone’s permission—except, of course, those guys at TLC who cut his check. Meri feels badly that she didn’t see it coming, and admits that she had to switch gears from the heterosexual fairy tale she had planned for her daughter. Mariah struggles, struggles, struggles—with Meri, herself, the Fish, her faith, whoever, and whatever. Mare is still adjusting to the idea of crafting a double-bridezilla wedding, but is working towards finding peace. The Browns follow the religion of “human rights, humanity, and love” not their own—aka the foundation on which the practice of polygamy rests. So what are we all doing here anyway??
Mariah scores her own solo spot with Andrea, and TLC rewinds the relationship crumble with her mother. The burden was real, and Mariah admits that she struggled to not blame Meri for being an online hussy. Mariah gets a high-five for her “big season,” and stealing the show with her sexuality shocker. Mariah is asked how she managed such a storyline, and she explains that while she didn’t want to be evil or go to hell, she was finally nudged into her true self in college. We learn that some polygamists are chill with the gay people, like Mariah’s super-hip family, but some aren’t. Mariah assures us and TLC that the gay boogeyman stories didn’t come from HER family—just random other people. Mariah bounces all over the map, shifting and weaving like a pro Brownie, as she tells her story. Andrea leads her carefully through the questions, offering her ideas for answers as she goes. Mariah says that her past desire for polygamy was “a cover”—appearing impressed that she came up with that one, all on her own.
The Rumor Mill
The Browns agree that they are all kinda-sorta over the catfish drama—two seasons later. Andrea runs down the tabloid fodder, mostly spread by one crabby scorned superfan. Kody isn’t in debt, unless you count four monster mortgages. Robyn admits that she could never pull off a spinoff, or televise more scary home births without Kody. She pays homage to the “Sobbin’ Robyn” moniker, revealing that she is spending her days scouring blogs and Twitter. Meri declares that she isn’t flying the cult for a hot Hawaiian, and Kody acts offended at the idea of bagging Robyn’s niece to inject some fresh kin-meat into the mix.
Another season bites the dust—when do you think we will hear of the next one?