Sister Wives begins with a raucous trivia night planning sesh. A Newlywed/Married Hell game night is on tap, but the plot is interrupted by a phone call from Garrison. It’s a rare chance for the military lad to call home, and Garrison doesn’t waste it, cussing up a storm with his fam. Garrison can’t wait to come home to visit — because being pounded by the military has made him miss the good ol’ days.
The family gets busy rearranging Christine’s living room for some rowdy fun, as Caleb and Tony swap worried glances. Mariah and Aspyn lay out the rules, as Kody and the gals giggle and banter about the hilarious gap in the polygamous game market. The players are Caleb and Maddie, Tony and Mykelti, and Kody and the harem — who have racked up 72 years of combined years of multiplied love. Meri is scared, and her instincts are spot-on, because the whole display reaches new levels of horror. The spectacle may have even trumped Meri’s photographed come-on to a resistant banana. Consider the riveting reveals.
Where did a first kiss take place?
Mykelti and Tony — On Mykelti’s ugly couch
Madison and Caleb — Caleb’s apartment — entryway only.
Meri and Kody — Meri knows the date, time, place and zip code of their first messy smackeroo, and Kody romantically cosigns.
Janelle and Kody — Janelle doesn’t remember ever kissing Kody, but Kody remembers some mad sparks, evidently buried somewhere in Janelle’s semi-consciousness.
Robyn and Kody — Under a parking lot sign, in the neon glow of recycled passion.
Christine and Kody — Over the altar, on their wedding day.
Who in the Brown cult will be the next to marry?
Mariah — Not her.
Tony — Kody. The no-brainer triggers uproarious forced laughter from the group. Tony and Mykelti are then proclaimed rascally button-pushers, and once again, a match made in heaven.
Mykelti — Logan and Michelle — or Kody.
Who is the most hair obsessed?
Robyn, Meri and Kody all score votes, but Kody wins. Interestingly, Christine has the nicest hair, but Kody gets a flunky hair rewind as a reward. Kody triggers gag reflexes around America, when he reveals that he uses a scrub brush in the shower to clean “everything.”
What is the phrase that each person uses most?
Kody — “I’m exhausted.”
Meri — Meri reveals that Kody calls himself “Fart Man.” Kody illustrates with a comedy shtick that plows over all boundaries of tomfoolery—a feat previously believed to have been impossible.
Round Two begins with the six ladies guessing the responses of their three guys — who are all hidden away in Christine’s room of doom.
What would the men say is their better half’s best characteristic?
Meri — Not her boobs.
What is Kody’s best feature?
Christine—His shifty eyes.
Janelle — Kody’s load bearing shoulders.
Meri — Kody’s forearms. Mariah throws shade at the answer, revealing that her mother permanently skeeved her, by oversharing about her father’s sexy guns during her childhood.
Robyn — His eyes—gazing only at her.
Madison — Caleb’s camo-butt.
What do the men like to do when they are alone with their wives?
Madison — Work on multiplying like reality guppies, and flopping aboard the TLC gravy train.
What are the pet names the women call their men?
Christine — “Wonderful man”
Janelle — “Sweetheart”
Meri — Used to be “Lover” — she has since substituted the “v” with a “s.”
TLC reminds us once again that Meri and Kody’s spiritual marriage is in the crapper — explaining Mare’s furrowed-brow struggle in responding to the brain-teaser.
The men return, and end the suspense.
Mykelti calls Tony “Poquito,” and the game breaks for another round of praise for Mykelti and Tony’s profound love-connection. The skill was likely picked up after hours of pillow-talk on Mykelti’s ugly couch.
The suspense resumes, and when Kody answers the Meri-question correctly, the room breathes a sigh of relief. It’s a spark of rekindled romance, and Meri is clearly tickled. Caleb confirms that Maddie was right about his lively sex drive, as the family laughs like hyenas over the notion of newlyweds humping like rabbits. Janelle thinks that Caleb’s discomfort is simply a riot, and he’s dubbed even more fabulous than they ever imagined. Tony and Mykelti score again — agreeing that her extra-juicy butt is a thing of beauty. Tony’s floppy hair also is given kudos.
Christine is thrilled that the young folk are obsessed with each other’s behinds, but Kody is getting the more appropriate shudders. Meri and Kody are the only ones who agree on his most hunky feature, with Christine noting that his scampering butt is not so hot. Heading into the stretch, Tony and Madison are in the lead, and Christine is dead last. TLC mercifully speeds up the slow as molasses game, as Christine shares that she wished that she had cheated her way into Kody’s memory.
TLC obviously feeds the family the next question, asking how the women would feel about adding a bonus wife to their marriages.
Mykelti and Tony drop the bomb that they are toying with the idea of polygamy. Caleb, Meri, Robyn and Christine say NO WAY. Janelle says that she might consider it, if the chick is as uber-fab as Robyn. Kody doesn’t want to expand his female-hell, so he votes no. They chatter about movies, crappy women drivers, and Kody casually admits that he’s a narcissist.
The game closes with a relationship rewind, and Meri and Kody agree that talking calmly, and ignoring Kody’s moody jerkiness is the key to wedded tolerance. Kody validates Robyn’s many “woes,” and the couple high-fives to celebrate her neediness. Madison and Tony battle it out for the win — some pizza topping know-how paying off big. There’s no mention of their mutual passion for hiking.
The episode proves to be lamer than lame — but did reveal that Meri and Kody’s history together stands as the one to beat.
It’s that time of year again — time to tell nothing in the first part of the Tell-All reunion special. Who votes for a viewing party/live thread?