The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills begins in Mauricio’s Lamborghini, with Rinna and Kyle. We learn that Erika’s starving party guests enjoyed a burger pig-out on their way home from her zero-cal Studio 54 bash. The duo giggles over the new nacho cheese flavored rookie, before we skip over to Lisa Vanderpump. Vanderpump is trotting around on a pastel-trimmed horse, a handsome fellow with a royally lengthy title. We hear the history of the new stallion in her life, with Vanderpump noting that retired horses are a lot nicer than botoxed bitches.
We ricochet between the two Lisas, as Vanderpump dishes to Ken about her snark-swap with Rinna at Erika’s party. Rinna backpedals herself into a puddle of regret, debuting her newest reality hustle. Her dad’s death changed literally everything—including “owning” last season’s wonky shenanigans. Kyle notes that Vanderpump needs to “forgive” both Rinna and Eileen — forgetting that neither has admitted any wrongdoing. Vanderpump denies swaying Dorit about ol’ Soapy and Sudsy — but admits that she sure would like to fill her in on the moo-twins.
We jump to Dorit’s, where she is hanging with her parents, who are visiting from Connecticut. Dorit’s 40th birthday bash is being planned, and PK promises a party of luxurious perfection. Dorit is expecting a new car, but is worried that PK’s sense of color might be a hot mess. No worries, because PK comes through with a new Bentley—a gauche display of excess — which is just the way they like it. No comment about the weird color.
We jump back to Kyle and Rinna, meeting up with Kyle’s daughter, Alexia, at a fitness studio. We learn that Alexia is going to school in Boston, as the gals chatter about an upcoming meet-up in NYC. We jump to soap-opera land — the Young and the Restless set. Eileen basks in her soapy stardom, walking down a melodramatic memory lane, for a series special. Eileen shares that her ultimate dream is to be just like Erika. She crosses her fingers, and hopes for an opportunity to puss-pat for fake gay guys on daytime TV.
We join Eileen’s idol, who is holding slutty backup dancer auditions — hoping to lock down the perfect sexy specimens, for her next porny video. The ladies rock their inner-whores to the beat, and Erika excitedly cackles her approval. Erika’s crew hotly debates their harrowing decision, engaging in a heated discussion over what defines the ultimate booty.
We eavesdrop on Rinna and her daughters, bonding over boiling pasta, in an eerily familiar scene. They take their Yo-Gigi act over the top, when they indulge in their culinary masterpiece — going crazy with three bites each. Delilah’s modeling career is taking off — which might just put a lid on her mother’s lippy lunatic act. Are those lemons on the counter?
Meanwhile, party central has kicked into high gear at Dorit’s. Dorit pulls off turning a basic hairstyle pretentious, as a glammed-up Vanderpump and Ken arrive, making their way into the party. PK and Dorit make their entrance, but the party looks like a snooze. Rinna and a friend show up, impressed by the expansive display of wealth. Van and Dorit chat about Erika’s party, and Vanderpump concludes that Dorit needs Bravo Drama 101 — stat.
Kyle and Mauricio appear, and the ladies greet each other. Rinna kicks off the ass-kissing with a Golden Rule compliment—calling Vanderpump skinny. Vanderpump isn’t having it, and grins while shooting eye daggers — warning her to back off with the phony compliments. Rinna keeps laying it on thick, but Vanderpump won’t play along. Rinna swaps conversation with Dorit, and Vanderpump throws in, whipping out her sniper from the side skills. Rinna is happy to be a target, because Vanderpump’s snark is pretty amazing. Rinna wants Vanderpump to appreciate her shady backstabber side, but Vanderpump isn’t buying it. Vanderpump pulls off a deliciously bitter talking head — twisting the knife into Rinna hard for last season. Interestingly, Rinna admits that Vanderpump has seen two sides of her — one good, one bad — the latter evidently renamed since last season.
Kyle nudges Vanderpump for info, taking her to task, and labeling her dramatic. Vanderpump shades Eileen as a non-issue, as we jump aboard the squeaky apology hamster wheel. Eileen arrives, and she and Vanderpump swap passive-aggressive small talk. Vanderpump extends condolences about Eileen’s personal loss, and Eileen leaks a giggle at the idea that she could dare hope for a “real” apology. The ladies sing an obligatory verse of Boy George love, as Erika makes her entrance. Eileen confronts Vanderpump, blathering rinse-and-repeat nonsense about the apology that already occurred. Kyle annoyingly bosses Vanderpump from the side, preening over her manners — likely losing oxygen by her always too-tight dress.
Dorit’s parents introduce themselves, before PK unveils the next phase of the shindig, a swankily decked out backyard, complete with a wall of roses. The party gets started, and the ladies offer a rerun of last week’s dance floor hop. Rinna continues to try and elbow her way into Vanderpump’s good graces, but Vanderpump is brutally epic, allowing Rinna NO sneaky wiggle room. Vanderpump wants their issues addressed — but Rinna’s talking head interrupts her own ass-kissing long enough to announce that SHE deserves an apology. Rinna “forgives” Vanderpump, but knows that Vanderpump will never do the same. Rinna finally caves, and admits that she was hard on Vanderpump last season. Vanderpump grabs it, and agrees to move on, but knows that the admission was a lame one. PK offers us a condescending lesson in British lingo, translating the word “banter,” as Vanderpump commiserates with a fellow Brit about lame American humor. Vanderpump admits that her biting wit gets her into trouble — a line delivered with a wicked grin. Vanderpump proves her point, by hissing out a crude remark about Vinny. Eileen’s face almost freezes in a cringe.
The episode ends with PK serenading Dorit, with a “hey baby, you’re it” soliloquy. Dr. Kyle checks in with Rinna and Eileen, and while Rinna is excited to move on, Eileen replies by performing an interpretive dance, called Ode to a Brit-Bitch. Kyle is disappointed in her students, but hopes that her fence straddling interference might be more effective next week.
I wouldn’t count on it.