A Sister Wives Thanksgiving!

It’s that time of year again — when a couple of dozen offspring, four mothers and one father gather to celebrate their TLC bounty. It’s a Sister Wives Thanksgiving — a smorgasbord of mock-goodness, set against a festive Vegas backdrop.

For a holiday rewind, let’s take a look back at Meri and Janelle Brown’s  flailing attempt to decorate for last year’s family celebration. Meri’s wet bar makes a rare guest appearance, during the craftily dramatic clip. 

Never has it been easier to disengage from table decor, but Janelle and Mare managed to pull off a snazzy display. Now let’s talk menu! A Sister Wives Thanksgiving would be nothing without the clan’s tried and true recipes — so get ready to pop a button on your white-stitched jeans, because it’s time to eat!

Let’s start with “Janelle’s Whatever You Want Roll Ups.” The recipe consists of a basic crust, (flour, baking powder, salt or sugar, and oil) rolled out and filled with “whatever.” Roll up, bake, and voila! A custom appetizer, sure to challenge any cook’s submissive creativity.

Christine has got the main course covered — with her classic meat loaf and roasted potatoes. “Christine’s Meatloaf” calls for a ton of ground beef, mixed with a box of onion soup mix, 2 cups of oats, 5 eggs, and an extra handful of salt. “Christine’s Roasted Potatoes” are the same deal — a load  of potatoes, onion soup mix, salt and oil. All that rehydrated oniony goodness will make you giddy — you’ll even forget that you aren’t eating turkey!

Mare comes through with a tart and sexy side dish, inventively named “Meri’s Cranberry Salad.” Frozen cranberries and canned pineapple steal the show, with Cool Whip, chopped walnuts, and an unexpected pow of unpreserved red grapes, giving the dish a scandalously fresh zing.

It’s time for dessert — and while it’s hard to resist a big heaping helping of “Christine’s Mock Tapioca Pudding” (a jug of milk mixed a dozen eggs, sugar, and a vat of Cream of Wheat), we are going to break tradition, and indulge in some breakout sweet treats.

“Janelle’s Peanut Butter Fritos” is always a plural crowd pleaser. Corn syrup, sugar, and peanut butter, mixed and dumped all over Fritos Scoops, punctuate a mock feast with a sweet exclamation point. Another goodie, “Meri’s Soda Cracker Surprise Toffee,” uses humble saltines as a bold ingredient. Butter and sugar are combined and poured on the crackers—with chocolate chips and walnuts adding the finishing touch to the cult-friendly pantry staple.

Robyn Brown has not yet pushed her way into the Sister Wives recipe treasury — but we all know that she will pull off her own brand of tater-totty magic, on Thursday.

Let us all give thanks for recipes with more than four ingredients, our singular mothers, and our freedom to snark about all things “mock.” Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

 

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