On the first part of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, I felt like down was up. Left was right. Everything I thought I knew got turned on its head because Teresa Giudice threw everything she had at Jacqueline Laurita and hoped some of the mud would stick. If Teresa were a better liar, it might have. She tried to gaslight the hell out of Jaqueline. Fortunately, Jac didn’t buy into it and came armed with facts. Still, the night spiraled downward as Teresa flung one crazy accusation after another. Even host, Andy Cohen seemed at times confused by Teresa’s screeching.
We’ll get to all that, kittens, but first, we must put Dolores Catania and her rather humdrum season under a microscope. After the show finished filming, Dolores got the fat sucked from her thighs and stuck in her ass. Also, Dolores spent the last fifteen years divorced from her ex-husband, Frank. This season, Dolores broke up with Frank’s bank account and is making a go of it on her own.
Andy thought Dolores and Frank had mad chemistry and hoped they might get back together. Dolores nixed that idea. And even Teresa admitted that once a man’s penis is in another woman’s vagina, it’s all over. Whatever you say, Tre.
Though Dolores used to be close to Dina Manzo, she and Dina only speak when they see each other — nothing more. Dolores thought maybe the fracture occurred because she’s still good friends with Caroline.
After that little bit of bland, we got to Jaqueline and Teresa putting aside their differences — but the peace lasted only so long. Teresa thought that if Jac were a good friend, she wouldn’t have reminded Teresa about her stay in the big house.
Melissa Gorga jumped on the bandwagon and talked about how Jaqueline used to call her, saying Teresa hadn’t changed, wondering why Tre got a new Lexus upon her release from prison. Jaqueline called foul, and said Melissa wondered the same damn thing.
At this point, Andy leaped into the fray and asked Teresa if she understood how it looked, driving around in a brand new Lexus when she owed so much money. Couldn’t she have gotten a Ford or something? But Teresa was aghast at the suggestion. Andy wouldn’t tootle around in a Ford, now would he? Oh yes, he would. If he owed as much money as Teresa does. Snap!
Next, Andy threw out Danielle Staub’s name. Teresa is begging for Danielle to come back on the show to attack Jaqueline. But these yoga buddies might not be on the same page after all. Danielle commented on Andy’s Facebook page that since Teresa didn’t want her younger daughters to know she’d gone to jail, now she knows how Danielle felt. Teresa denied she’d done anything to Danielle. Andy pointed out that whole prostitution-whore-table-flipping moment, for one. Teresa gave a weak apology and noted that her own girls were there that night, as well. Jaqueline’s confused expression spoke for all of us. The Giudice kids weren’t even in the room.
Then we were forced to sit through Siggy Flicker clips. Andy showed a touching montage of Siggy with her mother. Then he asked about Siggy’s hysterectomy, wondering if her fluctuating hormones were the reason she cried in almost every episode. Nope. That’s just the Siggster for you.
Jaqueline continued to work with her son, Nick, and watch him progress, at the same time, becoming a grandmother. As she bragged on Ashlee and baby Cameron, Teresa and Melissa had their own sideline conversation. Ashlee sent some unflattering tweets about Teresa, and posted a picture of an ape. Melissa was compared to LaToya Jackson. When Andy told them to stop talking in class, Teresa said that Ashlee should learn some respect. Jaqueline noted that if Teresa could say Jac was “starting to look deformed” then Tre should be able to take a dose of her own medicine.
Joe Gorga soon joined the ladies, and Andy questioned Joe’s sexist comment that Melissa made crumbs while he made cake. Joe told Andy to define the word “sexist.” What is this, a spelling bee? Andy commented on Joe’s nude scene, admitting Joe had a “nice dick.” Speaking of, Joe lost his virginity at age nine, and Teresa walked in on him during the act. Yeah, my brain needs bleach, too.
Melissa opened her store, Envy, this season and didn’t want Jac going to Kim D.’s store, Posche. Neither Kim, nor her store, deserved the air time. The Mel blamed Jacqueline for bringing Kim D. back into their lives.
Andy wondered why Teresa was so upset when Jaqueline brought up the tabloid stories about Teresa facing jail. Yet when Siggy asked about the rumors of Juicy Joe stepping out, Teresa didn’t bat an eye. Teresa tried to explain that Siggy was a new friend, so she was forgiven. Andy didn’t understand, but Dolores said it was an Italian thing and threw a cannoli at him. Just kidding. No props at the reunions, remember?
We saw the moment Teresa came home from prison and was reunited with her family. During the holidays, she and Melissa made a pact that they wouldn’t let anyone come between them again. But Teresa and Melissa had been feuding for years before the show started. Teresa tried to play the innocent, saying everyone in the family was talking about Melissa. And those sprinkle cookies that got trashed? Someone else did that. Teresa refused to say who, because she didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus. I’m rolling my eyes so hard right now, I just gave myself a headache.
Jaqueline pointed out that Teresa was jealous of Melissa. Her relationship with Joe Gorga was downgraded after he got married. Bravo helpfully reminded us by showing clips of Teresa admitting just that.
Once again, Melissa jumped to Teresa’s defense, questioning why Jaqueline was so involved in their family business. Excuse me? We all had a front row to their family business.
Next on deck: Strippergate. Melissa and Teresa wagged their fingers at Jaqueline, implying that she was the one behind all the rumors. Teresa accused Jaqueline of being a stripper back in the day. She demanded that Jac get up and give Joe a lap dance. Jaqueline denied it, so Teresa dragged Dolores into it. Dolores very carefully extracted herself from the conversation.
Shocked, Jaqueline went over the facts from four years ago: Teresa heard smack talk about Melissa being a stripper, and instead of calling her sister-in-law and giving Melissa a heads up, Teresa let the whole thing play out on the finale. Teresa explained that she and Melissa weren’t in a good place at the time. Mel was a big girl and could take care of herself.
Jaqueline looked at Melissa and if she really believed Teresa’s lies. Melissa said that Jaqueline didn’t make it to the filming of the reunion that year, and there was only one reason for the no show — Jaqueline was guilty! Jaqueline said she’d heard that Danielle would be there, Kim G. would be there, and Nick had regressed so much, she couldn’t take the stress.
Teresa went on the attack, saying Jaqueline was the one who sold the jail rumors to the tabloids for money. She claimed that Jaqueline lied about Joe Giudice cheating with his secretary. If that had actually happened, she’d go out and find a hot guy because she’s not ugly, after all. Next, she accused Chris Laurita of being the real cheater. Oh, and by the way, Dolores used to hate Jaqueline’s guts!
After listening to the crazy Teresa had spewed, Jaqueline denied that Chris ever cheated, and Dolores said “hate” was a strong word.
Teresa started calling Jaqueline a liar over and over. Jaqueline pointed out that Teresa actually went to jail for lying. Um, that’s kind of what fraud is. But again, Teresa twisted it around, said Jac was the one who was fraudulent. Chris used to go bet with half a million dollars. Why isn’t the government looking into that, huh?
That’s when Teresa felt “in her gut” that Jaqueline had set her up, called the government, and got her imprisoned. Teresa didn’t know if Caroline was in on it, but Jaqueline was definitely behind it all.
So, how’s your gut after watching the reunion? Are you queasy, listening to all of Teresa’s allegations or do you believe Jacqueline was a snitch?