‘RHONJ’ Finale Recap: The Last Showdown Between Jacqueline and Teresa Ends Badly

Viewers waved goodbye to The Real Housewives of New Jersey Sunday night — the finale episode of Teresa Giudice’s comeback season. We begin the festivities with Dolores and Siggy, discussing Jacqueline’s odd reaction to her free pass from Teresa’s clunky yoga class, during the gym event. Dolores is a renewed badass, who waited until the last episode to be fed up with the fake drama. We check in with Melissa, who is in frantic prep mode for the Envy fashion show. Melissa is worried about pulling off the project, and Teresa and Joey arrive early, to lend support.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline is still choking up a lung on her couch, while gasping with Chris about Dolores’ play-stupid plot. Jacqueline believes that Dolores wanted to make her look bad for passing on spraying germs all over her guests — the on-camera phone call wreaking havoc on the friendship.

Back at Runway Envy, Teresa and Joey assess Jacqueline, and Teresa determines that her ex-friend is just like a terrorist — albeit a dead one. The guests begin to arrive, including Kathy, Rich and Robyn. Rich and Kathy exchange chilly hellos with Teresa — while Teresa wishes that her gnat-like cousins would just leave her in peace. Teresa’s crotch-length gold dress sashays over to Melissa to offer a phony pep talk, before collapsing into droning whines about her lonely imprisoned heart. Siggy bellows her entrance, and Dolores immediately yanks Kathy away, demanding her expert Jacqueline analysis. She fills Kathy in on Jacqueline’s dark text, and Kathy briefly struggles to remember Jacqueline’s storyline.

Teresa lowers herself and enters her cousin’s airspace, making an exception to inform the cameras that Jacqueline is evil. Siggy offers her home for the final cast bloodbath, and the fashion show begins. The models strut their stuff, as Melissa runs around frantically backstage. Envy’s selection covers everything from size 0 hooch to size 4 heehaw — with lots in between. The show momentarily stalls, but Melissa stutters orders, restarting the mishmash parade of merchandise. The show concludes, and Melissa delivers a rather lengthy Emmy speech — thanking all of the little people that made her success possible. Siggy congratulates Melissa on her moving runway address, and offers her a cordial finale invite. It’s time to make civilized peace like nice ladies — and Melissa pretends to be encouraged by the hopeless plan. Siggy texts Jacqueline an invite, but knows that this is no Lucy Show.

We tone things WAY down, and join Dolores and her ex-hub, Frank, for a meal. Dolores and her gangster lookalike ex discuss Dolores’ self-worth rejuvenation, a true granite miracle. Dolores is confident now, because she actually goes to work, and her kitchen is much more attractive. Frank has been a reno-peach, but Dolores doesn’t need his wallet any longer. Frank isn’t thrilled to not be needed, and is unsettled by Dolores’ I-am-woman roar. Dolores busts out big for the finale — by paying the check. 

We jump to Teresa, who is greeting her Lawyer, already slithering  his way into the fold. We hear that Joe has unloaded ten pounds, and Teresa has unloaded the juicy reason she landed in prison. We are briefed on Teresa’s plans for the future, which include yoga certification, saving for college, and reinstating her perfectionistic T-crossing standards. She might even sell her stolen mcmansion, but no matter what, Teresa has evolved from a table flipper, to a law-abiding author. Teresa still stands — proudly aside her rosy-cheeked defender.

Dolores’ kitchen stands in the spotlight next, as Siggy’s shrieking hello  almost shatters the granite. It’s a double mother/daughter lunch, and the two moms cook together, and swap notes on the ungrateful brats they call daughters. The two duos chat about the next generation, and Siggy’s shoplifting past. The women vow to take care of their moms, before we jump to Joey Gorga, cooking up a storm, to celebrate his wife. Joe surprises Melissa with the nice dinner — but Melissa suspects that the sweaty caveman shtick is back. Joey apologizes for minimizing her storyline, and gives her kudos for the reality crumbs. Joe sweeps his sexy career gal off her feet with a jello parfait, and gets lucky — or so they act.

Siggy arrives to a relocated claws-out venue, just in time to remove all the knives from the premises. Teresa and Melissa drive to the meeting, while blasting that “toxic psychopath,” Jacqueline. Siggy instructs her hired security goon to tackle all troublemakers at the first sign of bitchiness. Teresa continues her rant against Jacqueline, as her nemesis shows up to face the music. Siggy warmly greets her friend, and Jacqueline does admit that she pushed it in Vermont. She nails Melissa as a jealous fame whore, who won’t share her criminal relatives. Jacqueline plans to make things right with Dolores, then throw down with Teresa. Melissa is a non-issue, and not worth the bother. Dolores shows up, and she immediately makes peace with Jacqueline, the nasty text exchanges mutually forgiven.

Teresa and Melissa join the girls, as Siggy tries to counsel Jacqueline into submission. Siggy actually refers to prison as “camp” and Dolores tries to play along, probably wishing she was home with her granite. Jacqueline has already planned her single file smackdown strategy, and demands that Teresa sit in the hot seat first. Jacqueline’s tone is bossy, and is highlighted by glimpses of a blank-faced guard, primed and ready to bust up a catfight.

Teresa reminds us that she has nothing to do with Jacqueline’s vagina, and reminds Miss Bossy that only Bravo criminals are allowed to call the shots. Siggy intervenes, but Teresa and Jacqueline continue to swap nasty barbs. Teresa labels Jacqueline evil, but is clearly nervous to be alone with the one who won’t shut up with the C-word. Jacqueline makes her exit, and Siggy and Dolores chase after her like a couple of panting labradors. Teresa spews out more vile insults toward Jacqueline, as Siggy dabs away tears of failure. Teresa takes a break to thank her friends for their support, as the show concludes. Siggy wraps her season announcing that she isn’t really an expert at anything, Dolores admits she is as boring as ever, and Bravo assures us that Envy’s hooch-wear sales are through the roof. Teresa is staying zen — with a silly plan to haul sister-felon, Danielle Staub, back into the picture. Melissa cuts Jacqueline out of next season, as a charming parting shot.

That’s a wrap everyone — we are reunion bound…Jersey style!

 

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