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‘Little Women LA’ Recap: The Group Confronts Christy At Tonya’s Survivalist Retreat

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All About the Tea_Little Women LA S5

We return to Little Women: LA back at the casino as Christy’s tacky friend Karla continues to call Tonya a mutha-f*cka. Charming girl. Christy says she’s been trying to do the right thing for the past eight months, waaah, but then a montage is shown of Christy doing the exact opposite. Elena can’t believe she’s wasting her time with these fools when she could be home with her babies. Christy finally apologizes for ruining Tonya’s photoshoot. Tonya accepts and says it’s why she brought her black ass to the casino. Christy asks the ladies to help her make amends with Terra and Briana, but the girls don’t think they can help with this mess.

A few days later, Terra meets up with Tonya to tell her she’s going to be the first little person ever to go on Dancing With the Stars. “Heffa, I want to do Dancing With the Stars.” Tonya is partly happy for Terra and asks that she atleast wear her new active line to rehearsal. Then they talk about Christy’s lame ass apology party. Terra is glad she didn’t go especially when she learns Christy brought heffa backups. Terra says, blah, blah, blah, they can coexist, and she’s so over it because of DWTS. Tonya has an idea. She wants everyone to go camping and learn survival skills. Secretly I think she wants to make sure Christy gets lost in the woods.

Christy meets up at a pool hall with her “sober sister.” Christy is celebrating seven years sober. Way to go! Christy tells her “sister” about the survival weekend and right away her “sister” knows this is the kind of weekend that makes people want to drink again. She gently explains to Christy, using small words, her friends really don’t really want to be her friend. Christy doesn’t listen and says she’s going to go camping so she can apologize “one last time.”

All About the Tea_Little Women LA S5

Of all the weird things, Terra and Joe and Briana and Matt meet up for pizza and beer. WTF? Am I in the Twilight Zone? Terra shares her Dancing With the Stars news and Matt asks about the height difference. You can see the twinkle in his eyes as he imagines Terra’s face in the dancer’s crotch, but it’s Joe who actually says this out loud. Terra wants to be taken seriously, damn it. Dancing is serious business. However, we learn in Briana’s testimonial she was asked to be on DWTS last year. Briana doesn’t say why she didn’t do it, but she is very jealous of happy for Terra. Briana will go on the survival trip but has no intentions of team building with Christy. Hopefully these girls aren’t going hiking near some cliffs.

All About the Tea_Little Women LA S5

Jasmine and Elena are shopping at a camping store/S&M shop for survival weekend. Elena hopes they can survive the weekend seeing as they can’t even shop at the right place. They are concerned that Christy, Briana and Terra will kill each other. Perhaps Elena and Jasmine should go ahead and purchase the handcuffs in case they need to separate the girls.

Over at Terra’s place, Tonya and Joe are waiting to meet her DWTS dance partner. Terra’s worried he’ll think it’s a joke when he sees her for the first time. There’s a knock at the door. Terra opens is and it’s…Sasha! The shortest dancer DWTS has. Fun fact: Terra has to take two steps for every one step an average takes. But Sasha is not worried. In fact, he’s got all kinds of ideas for lifts and flips. Joe warns no Wizard of Oz themes. Ba-dum-tisk. For the record, Terra’s face is at Sasha’s stomach.

All About the Tea_Little Women LA S5

Across town, Christy and Todd are trying out treadmills to help them stay active and lose weight. Todd isn’t doing well with his diet, but he’s excited to have a treadmill and feel the burn. They discuss the survival camping trip. Todd is worried Christy will get her feelings hurt again when Briana rejects her again. Christy says she’s going to stand her ground. I thought she was going to give an apology “one last time.”

It’s survival time! Joel, their sexy Australian survival instructor, shows up and tells them there are no toilets or running water. Poor Jasmine. What is she even doing there? Off we go into the woods. Joel asks everyone what their goal is. Elena says she’s there to reconnect with her friends. Joel thinks that’s a swell idea. The first activity is shelter building. First, the girls need to split into two groups of three. Due to legal reasons, Terra won’t be on Christy’s team. So, the teams are Terra, Tonya and Briana and Jasmine, Elena, and Christy.

All About the Tea_Little Women LA S5

Jasmine and Elena tell Christy that she’s on the wrong team. Christy says this is Tonya’s thing, and unlike the photoshoot, she doesn’t want to ruin this, too. Over in the other group, Tonya asks Terra and Briana what it will take to give Christy a second chance. Terra says Christy has to pay her legal bills and admit she never had a concussion. Terra says she hates Christy. Briana says she has no respect for Christy and wants nothing to do with her.   

The good news is, both teams passed the shelter test. Next up is a primitive technique to ward off bugs. The girls have to put mud from the creek on their faces. Jasmine and Elena opt out because they want their mud from the ditch of a spa. The other girls dab of mud on their faces and it’s no big deal. Joel recommends the ladies write down what’s bothering them and during the campfire they will burn their issues away. Isn’t he sweet? He’s the kind of guy you bring to meet mom. So the next test if fire. The girls are excited to try the bow and string technique, but struggle and its getting dark. Finally Terra and Tonya mostly Joel get the embers lit.

Therapy time! Tonya goes first to read her letter since this is her weekend. “Dear Heffas, get over yourselves.” She burns her letter. Christy is next. Her letter is to Briana and Terra, but quickly becomes about herself. Christy blames her family’s ill health for her crazy ways. Then she burns the letter. Briana explains that while on her death bed Christy both shocked and disgusted her, and now their friendship irreparable, plus she’s not even apologized yet. Christy apologizes and then adds, “I’m sorry your family’s a bunch of assholes.” And she wonders why she doesn’t have friends. Bitch, please. Briana says she will never forgive Christy.

All About the Tea_Little Women LA S5

Onto Terra’s letter who says it’s okay that Christy’s feeling were hurt, but anyone who files charges over bogus concussion claims is not “friend material.” I’m waiting for Terra to announce DWTS, but she doesn’t. Christy describes her concussion as “a big, ginormous bulb” on her head, from a plastic cup that was tossed at her while she was wearing a cowboy hat.

Terra’s promises to no longer call Christy, Crusty, and says she’s done fighting. (Because she’s going on DWTS!) But Terra wants the other girls to stop forcing her to forgive Crusty. Their friendship will never be fixed and they will never be friends. Deal with it. Briana says she’s not a follower, but she will never be friends with Christy either.

Tune in next week for the LWLA season finale. Can I get an amen from the heffas!

 

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