Below Deck

Below Deck Recap: Captain Lee Grows Frustrated with Kelley & Lust Is In The Air!

Recap by guest blogger J.R.

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We delve right in Below Deck and quickly find out the aftermath to Kyle’s shoulder “injury” which wasn’t an injury at all, it was just dislocated. I don’t want to lie to you, I cannot properly tell you what happened here. Once I saw his arm dangling in the Caribbean breeze, and that Lauren was going to be the one who pops it back in the socket like he’s a life-size Mr. Potato head, I completely checked out. I closed my eyes, and repeated OHMYGOD in different octaves until I felt in my heart that the moment passed. But he has two workable arms, so I am here to tell you (with the utmost of almost certainty), it worked out (probably).

While this is happening the guests continue to drink their vacation away. Right after eating and mostly drinking their lunch, they go in the water, which already seems kind of dangerous, no? Two of the girls ride tubes, and flip over by the reefs. Nico jumps in the water to help pull the girls out and back to safety.

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Captain Lee calls for Kate on the radio, no answer. Emily and Sierra don’t as well. Captain asks Emily if any of them are working, and she says Sierra is. So he huffily goes to Sierra and asks to bring the guests painkillers to relax them after their water trauma. She asks how much, and Captain asks her very slowly how many guests do they have. So Sierra proceeds to take the bottle of Advil out the cabinet ready to serve on a silver platter, before the Captain has a good chuckle and says no, not actual pills, the drink. Enjoy seeing him smile since it’ll be the last time he does this episode. It then takes her about half an hour to make, so long, that the Captain ends up just making them for her.

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Later on, Kelley whispers sweet nothings into Emily’s ear like “are you on your break” while she replies “yes” and he somehow takes this for sexual tension between them. There is literally none. Now Kyle and Sierra, that is tension. Kyle says things like, “she has f****** essence. Put her in a bottle and wear it. That’s beauty right there.” Which makes no sense, but none of them can understand him any way so it’s just as well.

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Kate is on her phone A LOT this charter. She is texting all throughout her conversation with Ben, and he is not happy about it. Ro is coming to visit, so Kate is looking forward to it. She’s also planning a white party for the guests; the theme is white rabbit, as in Alice in Wonderland.

While this is going on in the interior, the deckhands are putting the water toys away, when Kelley farts. Lauren describes the smell as a mix of red bull and Chinese food, a description so vivid I felt as though I could smell it, making me regret my choice of Chinese for dinner.

Hours later, Ben goes ahead and continues to be mad at Kate for texting and having dinner late. Kate calls Ben insecure and Ben yells that he doesn’t have time for this unlike Kate who has all the time to text her girlfriend all day, while her two minions do all the work she doesn’t want to do. He yells this basically to himself though, since Kate is already gone. Despite tensions, dinner goes smoothly, and afterwards the guests go in the hot tub. Kate is skyping with Ro and Ro tells her she won’t be able to make it after all, Ben doesn’t know this, but I’m sure he’s elated.

The next morning, the Captain is up and notices all the dirty windows, covered in salt. He’s pissed, because he knows Lauren has been up since 6:00 am, so doesn’t understand why they haven’t been cleaned. He calls for Kelley, who points out that the dirt is on the inside — meaning it’s actually the stews who haven’t cleaned. The Captain ignores that fact and shows him about ten other windows that have salt on the outside — which pretty much cancels out the point Kelley was trying to make.

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Captain Lee believes that the deckhands are getting lax on efficiency. He asks Lauren to go gather the anchor alone, while Nico and Kelley watch so they can all see how she can’t do it. Lauren is upset and feels like Kelley didn’t have her back. Kelley argues that he did this morning, and if the Captain wants them to do something, even though you might not want to, they don’t have a choice. Now that Trevor is gone, Kelley is forced to be harder on his older deckhands  — he’s been firm, but fair so far.

As the girls are leaving they ask, “Is it too late for a mimosa or too early for a cocktail?” Is brunch not a thing everywhere? Because these kids can drink at home any time, but I don’t think they know. You don’t have to wait for vacation to day-drink. A weekend, yes, but not your yacht trip. Literally any old’ Sunday will do.

The crew gets together for the tip meeting. Captain tells them how he expects better from them, especially when it comes to keeping in touch via radio. But he is happy that Kyle is aboard. Same. Their tip is $15000, so $1350 each. Not bad for ONE day’s work. He also tells them that there will be a slide next charter, but before they dread that he’s arranged that they all have a day to themselves at a private resort.

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As the crew is about to head out and enjoy a mini-vacation of their own, Kate’s girlfriend, Ro, shows up after all. There are a lot of emotions. Kate is surprised. Nico is confused why she has to be a lesbian, which, ugh. And Ben is nervous, which he thinks is normal because it would be weird if he wasn’t. It’s actually a lot weirder that he’s nervous, but okay.

The crew lands on Scrub Island, which fortunately looks much more appealing than it sounds. They have a water slide, and a trampoline in the middle of the ocean. They also have Ro. The feeling of Ro’s presence, in Ben’s eyes, is the equivalent to finding out at 8:30 that dinner is at 9:00 when you wanted to know at 6. Ro the epitome of a 12-course meal. Good in small doses, but together, never-ending and annoying. All these things are what Ro is to Ben, who is acting saltier than a window Lauren hasn’t cleaned for two days. He stares at Ro and Kate with a mixture of longing and disdain.

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Meanwhile, Kelley is going full force with Emily. He asks her to put sunscreen on his back, which I didn’t know was still an excuse people used to get touched by someone they like. She does it, and then lies down on a beach chair. He then lies on top of her with his head on her lap and it’s all a bit much. Emily looks uncomfortable. She doesn’t verbalize her disgust, but her face says it all.

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The only ones who seem to be having any luck in the love department (besides Ro and Kate who are very lucky and won’t let anyone in the vicinity of them forget it) are Kyle and Sierra.

Can someone please explain to me where every guy on the boat is getting the notion that Sierra is a lunatic? A lunatic who will, according to Kelley, “take your dick off with a butter knife in the middle of the night.” What did I miss? Does big eyes mean you’re crazy? The craziest thing I saw from her was saying that she was addicted to juicing while simultaneously not knowing how to use a juicer, and that’s hardly ‘I’m going to cut your dick off’ behavior?

Well despite being a supposed loon, Kyle thinks Sierra’s beautiful, and Sierra thinks Kyle’s cool. And Kelley thinks Kyle is the British version of himself. Um, no.

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The episode ends with the cameras following Kate and Ro into what seems to be a bathroom, while they seem to be having sex. Alas, the development of Kyle and Sierra’s relationship and my rant on the invasion of this camera crew will have to wait until next week.

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