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‘RHONJ’ Recap: Jacqueline Cuts All Ties with Teresa and Melissa & The New Girls Pick Sides!

I'm a fiction writer by day and a reality TV addict by night.    

When last we left our perpetually feuding Real Housewives of New Jersey, Siggy Flicker appeared to have a nervous breakdown, Dolores Catania lost her temper, while Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga shared a hug in a gondola air lift. Neither one tried to throw the other out of the cabin as they tearfully posed for selfies, which was a miracle in itself. And Jacqueline Laurita drove back to Jersey, briskly wiping her hands of her old friends after telling them a few hard truths.

Now four days after that disastrous dinner, we meet back up in Dolores’s house. Her kitchen is almost done — it’s only missing a granite countertop. If only she could remember her budget. Soon, Siggy pops over to look at the new cabinets and talk about the crazy that went down in Vermont. According to Dolores, Siggy was still suffering from PTSD, amazed at her friend, Jacqueline. Dolores, however, has been to this rodeo and refused to get in the middle of any lady squabbles. But the two can agree on one thing: the way Melissa refused to back Jacqueline with the truth was very uncool. And Siggy was determined to get to the bottom of it. Also, Siggy felt that Jacqueline had been icing her out, perhaps believing that Siggy didn’t have her back during the argument.

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Over at Melissa’s store, Envy — or as I like to call it, her other closet — her pink haired partner, Jackie, shows up to talk about the upcoming fashion show. Melissa had never put on a fashion show, but no worries, Jackie would walk her through it. Right before she heads to the Bahamas — leaving all the details in Melissa’s incapable hands. But the bad news wasn’t over. Internet sales for the store are tanking. Melissa needs to “nip that in the butt” immediately and thought posing for more selfies on social media would do the trick. Then she questions her manager, Derek, about selling stories to the tabloids. Well, yeah, of course he did, but he always portrayed Teresa in a positive light. Without even getting a pinky swear  — Melissa buys his explanation.

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Meanwhile, Jacqueline, Chris, and Ashlee are taking in the warmer air on the deck when Dolores and Siggy drop by. Almost before Siggy can sit down — she starts interrogating Jac — wondering why they hadn’t spoken in days. Was Jacqueline questioning Siggy’s loyalty? Um, no. Jack assures Siggy that she just needed a few days to herself. They discuss Vermont. Jac wasn’t sorry for what she said to Teresa and Melissa — they deserved it — and the friendship was over. Siggy proclaims that she wants to remain close to Teresa. Jac is fine with that. Dolores has ridden the fence between the two women for years. However, Siggy would make the ultimate sacrifice in the name of friendship — she wouldn’t go to Melissa’s fashion show. And to be fair, she’d skip Kim D’s fashion show, too. She broke down crying — yet again — until Jacqueline gave her a hug. Whatever. At this point, Siggy’s over the top reactions are wearing me down.

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Naturally, Siggy couldn’t just gracefully make up an excuse to ditch Melissa’s fashion show, so the two meet for coffee. Siggy tells Melissa the tragic news about going AWOL for Envy — but confirms that she still plans on going to Jacqueline’s upcoming event. Sig admits that when they first met, she thought Melissa was fake and self-absorbed, but she came to understand that Melissa doesn’t let people in very easily. Melissa feels slighted, as though Siggy is taking sides. Melissa is convinced that Jacqueline pressured Sig to cut out on the fashion show, even though Siggy told her that wasn’t true. But there is one thing Siggy doesn’t understand. Why didn’t Melissa stand up for Jacqueline in Vermont when she asked about Strippergate? Melissa finally says— she does not give a sh*t about Jacqueline. Jacqueline never gave her all the details about the meeting that went down between Teresa, Kim D. and Angelo. And bringing up her nose job in Vermont? A totally bitchy move. Besides, Strippergate was so five years ago. At that, Siggy declared Melissa “level-headed and classy.”

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While Dolores and her mother, Valerie, shop for Easter tchotchkes, they discuss the nature of an old school Italian marriage. Take Teresa and Juicy Joe for instance. Tre was going to stand by him no matter what. But for Dolores, that fantasy ship had sailed away a long time ago. Now after seventeen years, she was ready to financially stand on her own two feet and stop relying on her ex-husband, Frank. Her mother was also a latecomer to empowerment. It took her fifty years to stop catering to her husband and ask to see the checkbook. Good on you, ladies. Better late than never.

At the Posche fashion show, Kim D holds court and sips champagne while Jacqueline and Dolores stroll in. Jacqueline asks for confirmation that she had nothing to do with Strippergate. Nope — Kim D assures the world — it was all Teresa. And how could she stay married to her husband anyway — was Teresa playing dumb or did she really not know Joe had been cheating on her while she was doing time? If Teresa stayed with him, he’d be entitled to half of her nonexistent assets. While Dolores and Jacqueline look awkwardly away from the camera  — Bravo happily provides headlines touting Joe’s dating life with women who weren’t his wife. Dolores claims that Teresa had confronted the issue, and it was a simple “miscommunication.” Kim D appears disbelieving as she chugs back her glass of bubbly — even Jacqueline remains quiet, refusing to pile on Teresa.

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Next, Teresa and Melissa meet up with Siggy and Dolores. Teresa orders enough appetizers for all of Hoboken, and Siggy makes a dramatic declaration that she’d changed her mind and would go to the Envy fashion show, even though she’d skipped the Posche fashion show. Dolores drops the bomb that Kim D has been talking sh*t about Teresa, but refuses to give details. Siggy acts like Switzerland, claiming she wants to be friends with Melissa, Teresa, and Jacqueline. Teresa tries to discuss how crazy Jacqueline has become, but Dolores shuts down all trash talk.

At Chris and Jacqueline’s Little Kernel Popcorn launch party, Siggy, Dolores, and Kim D showed up to represent. Kathy and Richie Wakile and Rosie got an invite, too. They celebrated Chris’s new product and the fact that it would also benefit the autistic charity that had helped their son, Nick. Chris announced Ashlee’s pregnancy, and Siggy screams like a One Direction groupie. When her husband arrives, she screams some more. Really, people, I can’t with her. Anyway, Dolores corners Chris and asks if he’d been invited to Joe Giudice’s “See You in Three Years, Jailbird” party. Chris plans to go, but Jacqueline will stay at home. Bad idea. Dolores thought Chris should forgo the party and support his wife.

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As the time for Joe’s lockdown grows near, Teresa and Dolores meet in an empty church. Both wearing fur coats as they huddle in one of the pews. Dolores understands why Teresa stays with Joe. And Teresa understands why Dolores got rid of Frank — if not his wallet. Teresa wouldn’t have put up with his extracurricular antics either. Which is ironic, given Kim D’s cheating allegations. When they got hitched, both Teresa and Dolores thought they’d have a marriage like their parents’. Their men would take care of them, give them nice things, keep them happy. But life didn’t turn out that way. As the women bow their heads to pray, the clock counts down for Juicy Joe’s surrender to prison camp.

Beach Spin, your regularly scheduled blogger is experiencing a power outage this week. So I’m your substitute guide. Tell me what you think? Was Joe cheating or was Kim D trying to stir up trouble? And are you as tired of Siggy’s melodrama as I am? 

 

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