The Real Housewives of New Jersey resumes in Vermont, and there is a brisk note of hysterical drama in the air. We join Dolores, who reminds Melissa and Joe that erratic Robyn might not be the healthiest travel buddy for felon Teresa. Dolores thinks that Robyn should be booted, but Melissa votes for Jacqueline. Siggy arrives, and informs them that Jacqueline is volunteering to leave. Melissa twitches, as she tries to hide her delight. Melissa shades Jacqueline for her obsessive Teresa love — the pot calling the kettle a butt-kisser.
Dolores and Siggy check in on Jacqueline, who confesses that Teresa drives her loony, but she loves the crazy jailbird. Jacqueline breaks down in tears, clearly too invested in Teresa’s dodgy reality game. Meanwhile, Melissa spills to Teresa about what Dolores said — but assigns the words to Jacqueline. Teresa just wishes that Jacqueline’s raged-on ass would beat it, but Robyn and her mute wife take their production cues, and pack up to leave. Teresa and Melissa gossip over the defection, and the toxic wannabe that stayed.
The group shivers into a restaurant, whining about exhaustion, and sore bones. Teresa sits down and immediately attacks — addressing the snoozy duo’s departure, clearly picking a fight. Jacqueline reminds her that Robyn is a thug, but Teresa continues to drone on and on, bleating and complaining about how things played out. Siggy informs us that Jacqueline is DEVASTATED, because Teresa is sticking up for the bully. Jacqueline gets up to storm out, as Chris sticks up for his wife, reminding Teresa of their long dysfunctional history. Teresa won’t let up, and Jacqueline snaps, calling her a table-flippn’ bitch. Bravo rewinds some of Teresa’s greatest banshee hits, and Jacqueline proudly notes that she never left the banshee’s side. Jacqueline explains that Teresa has soldier cling-ons, who tend to fade away each season.
We are treated to a stripper-gate flashback, while Jacqueline continues to defend her loyalty. Jacqueline points her finger at Melissa, demanding a confirmation, but Melissa plays dumb before she admits that Jac is right. Jacqueline notes that Melissa has been acting oddly in love with Teresa, just before she blows — calling Melissa a fake, phony bitch. Melissa dishes it back, and Jacqueline whips out her phone to call Kim D. for the stripped “truth,” before Chris tells her to hit the brakes. Melissa calls Jacqueline a sneak, while Siggy tries to frantically counsel them into submission. Chris nails it, when he says that neither Teresa nor Melissa care about Jacqueline. Melissa and Jacqueline scream at each other about being fake, crazy, and nose-obsessed, while Siggy recites analysis frantically in the background.
Dolores wants Siggy to can the psycho mumbo-jumbo and let these zoo beasts freely rip each other to shreds. Jacqueline tries to get through to Joey, and Teresa butts in, twisting the story into knots. Jacqueline reminds Teresa that she used to hate Melissa, and Teresa gasps, denying such an outlandish, though Bravo documented accusation. Jacqueline screeches “CRIMINAL!” and bolts out of the restaurant — spitting out barbs at the camera — welcoming the real Teresa back to Bravo.
Jacqueline skewers the fake besties for rewriting history, and Dolores tries to nail Teresa for going on the attack, the minute she sat down. Siggy points out that Robyn struck first, and no one stuck up for Jacqueline. Joey throws in, and accuses Jacqueline of wanting to “bury” his sister. Joey also slips in that Teresa did “nothing,” to earn the “c word,” other than stand behind her husband. Teresa hits below the belt, and calls Jacqueline “deformed,” and Melissa jabs that the deformed one actually hates Teresa. Siggy tears up, but Teresa advises her to toughen up to this reality crap-fest.
Back at the Giudices, the girls are eating Chinese food, and talking about their dad heading up the river. The girls chat about Joe being a pudgy inmate, and how they will all manage while he’s off getting skinny. It’s a strangely pleasant scene.
Back in Vermont, Siggy and Dolores check in with Jacqueline, who is packed and ready to go. Jacqueline speaks of an aha moment, and the relief that came with knowing that she should ditch the felon and her sidekick for good. Siggy wants to leave the crapstorm too, because she is being poisoned by unsolvable relationship challenges.
Joe phones in, and Teresa fills him in on the Jac-drama. Joe responds with an appropriate, “who cares,” speaking for a lot of viewers. Teresa just wants to have fun on their last day — but Siggy and Dolores are strategizing a way out of the hellhole. The last four ladies standing meet — and Siggy throws apples around the room like she is on the brink of a meltdown, ranting out her reasons for escape. Dolores saves the day, snarking that Melissa looks like she is heading to Studio 54, and Teresa’s looks like she raided Milania’s closet her — BEST line of the night.
Back at home, Jacqueline and Chris decide the menstrual jaunts are never wise, as Kathy shows up to get the scoop on the trip. Jacqueline and Chris fill her in, and Jacqueline sneaks in one more “criminal” for the road.
Teresa and Melissa, alone at last, head out for their gondola sister time. The women use their time in the air to dab tears and sniffle over Joe leaving for prison. Melissa assures her on-TV bestie that she will get through the nightmare, and Teresa knows it’s true, because Joe has become legit at prison visits. Teresa high fives Melissa for all the love, and congratulates her on a job well done. Melissa graciously accepts the praise, and reminds her that no one matters, except the two stars of the show. Melissa refers to paying for one’s own crimes as a “tragedy,” and comments that no one will come between her and the contrived Bravo success story. She doesn’t yet know that Teresa plans to invite Danielle Staub aboard, to throw a wrench in the family bliss. They seal the trip with a selfie — looking like two reality stars, who wish they were at Studio 54.
The anti-Jacqueline and pro-Teresa trains gain speed, next week.