The Real Housewives of Melbourne reunited for one 90-minute reunion episode, in an epic finale sit-down. I am a latecomer, but I have fallen hard for this show, and wish that the season hadn’t ended so soon. The Bravo Aussies know how to get a reunion done — and Andy Cohen should take notes.
The show begins with backstage jitters, makeup, hair, wardrobe, and gossipy snark. Lydia arrives in a grim reaper getup, but her hooker Marie Antoinette armored dress gives her life. The ladies emerge bedazzled and spanxed — except for Petti, who would never dream of sucking in perfection with a girdle. Jackie is wearing spur-like wings on her pumps, and roses on her boobs. Chyka looks classy, Susie is shiny pink, and Gamble and Gina’s massive hair helmets hover in a side-by-side showdown.
How did Bravo’s Australian style reunion ROCK?
Snoozy cut SHORT
Sleepy stories, like Gamble’s wedding, are given an appropriate nod, but with only 90 minutes, topics moved along at a chop-chop pace. Bravo’s Melbourne slam-dunked it, with one 90-minute episode. In other sleep inducing news, newbie Susie’s boring presence is rehashed, and we learn that she is set to meet her dream Jew in America. It’s a yawn — but a blessedly brief one.
Gina’s busy brand life is reviewed and admired. She comments that she works harder than any of the others, and snarks sarcastically in response to a viewer labeling her ego as “out of control.” Gina denies ditching wedding festivities for gazing at her image on Celebrity Apprentice, and refuses to apologize for being the bomb. Petti defends her au naturale ravishing beauty, as the women almost fall out of their seats in hysterical giggles. Petti flips at Gamble breathing the suggestion of a “tummy tuck” and swears on her saggy cesarean scar that if she doesn’t shut up, she will do it for her. Jackie admits that Petti looks great, but tends to diss others’ beauty, or lack thereof.
Raw Booming Insults
No shade — just hardcore slams. Janet led the charge, calling Gina “the dumbest person I know,” and Petti “a piece of scum” and “worse than an ass hair” — the last barb spit out while flipping the bird. She blasts Lydia as a “dumb fat bitch.” Gina labels Gamble’s upset a “wounded pigeon routine,” and Lydia calls Susie an “angry little sh*t.” Gamble names Lydia a “casual racist” and Petti calls Jackie a “disgusting angel,” “the bloody devil” and “a bogan” (low class). Janet soundly smacks her back in line, as the women agree to crown Petti the queen of insults. Lydia throws out a jab so harsh about Jackie, that the tea it is bleeped into a mystery. Does anyone know what in the world she was bleeping about?
The Host with the Most
Alex Perry freely tells the women to shut up and reign it in. Alex is so cool that he needs sunglasses indoors, and uses “hate” and “sweetheart” in the same sentence. He bluffs in good fun, and labels Petti as “up herself.” Alex leaves his chair after becoming annoyed by the confused chattering — rather than grinning like a cheshire cat when a cued housewife flounces out. You gotta love a host who requests heroin, to celebrate the conclusion of a sequined bloodbath.
Accusations swirl about fractured loyalties, as Susie accuses Lydia of playing nice, while dreaming of ripping her to shreds. Lydia “targets” friends to pull into her web, according to Susie, and Lydia counters, noting that Susie’s own relatives think she’s the worst. The women all gasp in horror at how Lydia orders her housekeeper around, and Lydia is busted for making up the tale of finding Johanna wandering with a cup, in the street. Gamble bickers with Petti over being fodder for her “bitch website” — sort of an online Housewives slam book. Lydia calls Petti out for not listening to anything but her own voice. Lydia and Jackie hash out their issues, and after some barbs, tears, and eye rolls, the pair ends the heated exchange with a hug.
Lydia is accused of making the rounds, and canoodling with Shane Warne and Susie’s ex — which Lydia denies. Susie busts in, and claims to have heard from the man-whore himself — noting that Lydia wasn’t his type, but was “keen,” or up for a romp. Janet dishes that she turned down a Warne booty call — and regrets her decision. Lydia gets raked for spreading scandalous rumors, again denying the accusations, while whining about being the scapegoat of the season. Chyka nails her for engaging in gossipy antics with her friends and clients. Jackie and Lydia discuss the difference between “repeating” and “spreading” tawdry rumors.
Pillowy Fists / Facial Twists
Petti claims that she has never been drunk in her life, and Janet hurls a pillow at her in a mock rage. Petti throws it back, but without the same passionately disgusted element of surprise. Jackie’s facial expressions throughout the glitzy battle are targeted by the cameras and are simply fabulous. BRAVO girls!
Our time in Melbourne is but a memory — so CHEERS to Season Four!