We begin tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County with the Beador’s out-dated rental home that overlooks the ocean. According to Shannon, the feng shui sucks. Of course it does. David makes a tasteless joke about inviting his mom and sister to see the new digs, but Shannon has no time to rake David over the coals, she has packing to do.
Next up is Eddie and Tamra who are dining out though they preordered their meal. Is this a new trend or OCD? This season’s Tamra isn’t as fun as last season’s because Eddie has to beg her to drink a tiny glass of sake. The fitness competition is in five weeks. Tamra snaps at Eddie for chewing too loudly and he tells her to calm her skinny ass down. He recommends sex every night to help with the stress. Tamra tells Eddie to order another glass of sake for himself and she will give him a bl**j*b later that night. Only because Tamra thinks it will burn calories on her jawline.
Onto Michael and Kelly who are arguing over the paint job he’s giving the garage. She asks Michael if he thinks their relationship is getting better now that he’s home All The Damn Time. Michael tells Kelly he’s not a control freak. It’s true, he just throws a fit when he doesn’t get his way. After a walk down divorce lawyer lane, Kelly calls out Michael for being a defensive jerk when it came to negotiating their settlement. Michael said he can’t help it if he had the best attorney his controlling money could buy.
We meet up with Vicki and her son Michael at Coto Insurance to discuss a new charity called Kill All Cancer. The subtext should be: And Those Who Lie About It. While Vicki is raising money, she will also be selling insurance policies for cancer. The director of the charity arrives and asks about the Brooks’ controversy. Vicki explains that she witnessed Brooks being sick. Michael interrupts and explains that every sane person in the world didn’t believe Brooks had cancer except for his mom. Vicki is trying to win over the haters.
Meghan is visiting the new candle store that she and Jimmy are opening. There will be a grand opening party to celebrate themselves. Will Jimmy be there? Who cares! Meghan is excited to be an owner and not a peon like she used to be at Anthropology. And this store is the perfect distraction until the next ultrasound. Who knows what will distract Meghan after that.
Kelly is hanging out with her mom, Bobbi, telling her how difficult it is to be with Michael 24/7. Bobbi explains she stayed married to Kelly’s father for too long, but she’s not giving her stamp of approval for Kelly to stay in an unhappy marriage. Kelly says she doesn’t want to end up like Tamra and her kids who are all messed up from their divorce drama. Bobbi tells Kelly to make the decision based on what’s best for herself and her daughter.
It’s crunch time at the Beador house. Shannon has 30 minutes to get out of the house and she’s freaking out. Just throw the crap in a trash bag and be done with it. They’ve only lived in the formaldehyde-free monstrosity of a mansion for five years, not a lifetime. Shannon’s sad, but no one else is as they close the door on all the bad vibes.
It’s spa time! Tamra has set up a relaxing day to make up for the Glamis disaster. There will be drinking today, can I get a woo-hoo! Heather, Kelly, Vicki, and Tamra go to Club Mud and stand around a mud turtle. Tamra catches up Vicki and Heather on what they missed between Shannon and David’s mom. Get this, Vicki and Heather knew David and his mistress had family dinners with his mom. Now that’s a whole new low, down and dirty, muddy water. Vicki says that people who are happily married don’t cheat. She read it in a fortune cookie, I’m guessing.
We are now at the ultrasound with Meghan and Jimmy. There’s good news and not so good news. They have a healthy baby, but only one. Meghan gets emotional. Jimmy tells her, “It’s okay. There’s a little one in there that wants you to be its mother.” Meghan wanted twins and feels a tremendous sense of loss. She sobs in Jimmy’s arms and he actually does a good job of consoling his wife.
Over at the new Beador rental, the boxes and boxes and boxes have arrived. David wants a beer, and his daughter reminds him that one drink equals one hour of being drunk. David will probably require five hours of beer before he can sufficiently pass out after a very long day of moving since Shannon won’t hire movers.
Back at the spa, the ladies are now getting massages. They split into couples and go into separate huts. Vicki congratulates Kelly on her anniversary and we learn that Michael has never bought her a gift in ten years. In fact, the purse Kelly bought herself, Michael accused her of getting it from another man (not a boy, Vicki). Tears fall as Kelly describes the turmoil and sadness she feels in her marriage. Vicki encourages Kelly to work on the marriage instead of bailing. Kelly becomes so upset relaying how Michael told her to shut up in front of their daughter, Tamra and Heather can hear Kelly yelling in their hut.
Still at the spa, the ladies eat lunch and ask about the yelling and crying during the massage. Kelly confesses it was her. She chokes up as she explains how Michael does nothing and Kelly does everything in their marriage. Tamra can relate to how difficult it is to be married to a narcissist. Then Tamra scares the shit out of Kelly by telling her things will get much worse before they get better. On the plus side, Tamra now understands where Kelly’s C-U Next Tuesday anger is coming from. Kelly is at a crossroad that only Kelly can cross.
David and Shannon go out to dinner without the kids and it’s really boring. David tells Shannon this move is going to awesome because they won’t be broke are downsizing. David also says he feels bad about his mother’s bad behavior. Apparently she’s still bitter over his dad’s cheating and leaving. Of course, you’d think his mom would be more sympathetic with Shannon. Apparently not. As a gift to Shannon, David will not bring his mom around the family anymore. This warms Shannon’s small and petty heart, but it doesn’t completely wash away the hurt. Maybe five more vodka’s will do the trick.
Later in the season the RHOC ladies will tour Ireland and America will owe their country a huge apology!