‘RHONJ’ Recap: Jacqueline Plans Early Departure from Vermont After Threats From Robyn

The Real Housewives of New Jersey kicks off with a repeat clip of the lunch with Teresa, Joey and their cousins, Kathy and Rosie. We are reminded that Teresa became emotional after the meeting, revealing a hint of real affection for the sisters.

We shift gears, and join Jacqueline, Siggy and Dolores, who are phoning Kathy and Rosie to get the scoop. The sisters fill in the women on the sad outcome, but Siggy encourages  them, assuring them that the sun will come out tomorrow.

Over at the Giudices, Teresa is packing for the trip, and trying to keep it together until Joe beats it to prison. The girls aren’t thrilled that she’s leaving, and roll their eyes at the idea of another couple of nights alone with their drunk father. Over at the Gorga’s, Joe and Melissa are discussing the trip and hoping for a worry-free vacay, indeed an impossible dream. We learn that cutting room floor cast members, Robyn and Christina, will be making an appearance, adding a couple of fresh Teresa backup singers. Melissa throws out some shady comments about Jacqueline — and could use some work on a subtler delivery.

Bravo treats us to a blast from the past, with a little Kim D mixed with cheap glam, as Jacqueline catches her friend at her boutique, Posche. Siggy joins them, as we flash back to the good ol’ days of Jersey, when cheap tricks played with the big boys, and prison was only a place for scary strangers. The girls try on some slutty clothes a size too small, as they gossip about Envy. Kim D. accuses lazy Envy manager, Derek, of selling stories about Teresa, as well as exposing her for “cash only” book hawking. Kim doubts that Melissa and Teresa’s friendship is the real deal—as does the rest of the viewing audience.

The Gorgas swing by to pick up Teresa, interrupting Joe’s suspenseful read on how Teresa plans to spruce up her lady bits the day after he leaves for prison. The ladies gather to catch the bus, for the slow road to snowy  hell. Joe is going to stay behind due to his criminal status, and is probably secretly delighted. 

The bus takes off for Vermont, as the women try to out-bellow each other, in a forced show of enthusiasm. We learn that Chris once dated Teresa, set up by his sister Dina. Teresa brings up another nightmare, and announces that her tears after the meeting with her cousins had nothing to do with lost family love. Teresa equates the split as an emotionless breakup, and dismisses Jacqueline’s comment about sending the sisters a mixed message. Teresa says no way, because that door is nailed shut, but Jacqueline believes that they might be hoping for a love-crack. Robyn mouths off about Rosie, alluding to being hurt after some sort of falling out  that no one cares about. Rosie shut Robyn out, and Jacqueline comments that Robyn is just a Teresa ass-kisser. Jacqueline pushes Teresa for clarity regarding her relationship with Kathy and Rosie, and Melissa waves her arms around from the side, insinuating that Jacqueline is a big  buttinski.

Melissa thinks that Jacqueline is stirring the pot, even though Teresa is the one who brought it up. Teresa just wants to worry about Teresa — basically the same tired story. Chris astutely points out that Teresa shouldn’t have faked open-door affection, but congratulates her for finally clarifying that she can’t stand her family. Dolores comments that Robyn is hyper-obnoxious and doesn’t play well with others. After eight hours of brain numbing torture, the group arrives at the resort. They split into rooms, and brace themselves for the hysterical drama. 

The crew goes to dinner in bathrobes, reflecting true Bravo class. Melissa announces an upcoming fashion show for Envy, and hopes that Joe will model her petite line. Teresa thanks them all for supporting a prison widow, and they toast to a bright future without the town lush. After dinner, they gather around the fire pit, and Jacqueline and Siggy drop the rumor about Derek dishing to the tabs about her precious sister-in-law. Melissa blows off the accusations, calling Derek a harmless red carpet wannabe. Melissa blames Kim D. for spreading the déclassé rumors, including the semi-flattering one about her being a stripper. They rehash past whispering, and Melissa assures them that Derek is a cool flunky employee.

Robyn grabs her chance in the spotlight, and blasts Jacqueline for attacking her Tre-hugging purpose in life. Jacqueline reiterates that she is a Teresa “soldier,” and Robyn calls on Teresa for her next marching orders. Robyn yells something about ass-rage and Jacqueline screeches at her that she is up for it. Jacqueline plunks her rear in her lap, and Robyn decides to pass on that whole rage thing. Robyn continues to rant and rave about breast size, and punching out the enemy. Teresa blames Jacqueline, even though Robyn is the guest loon making the nasty threats.

Back at the Giudices, it’s a flashback to simpler days, as Joe barks orders,  and Milania prepares breakfast. The pair shares a few barbs, along with some love. The fun ends, and we shift back to Vermont, where the ladies are also eating breakfast, while Jacqueline remains safely barricaded in her room. Siggy is worried, but Jacqueline and Chris are laughing about crazy Robyn’s ass demands from the night before. The cars haul the women to dogsled central, and Dolores is in heaven with all the still-breathing Boos. The girls take off on the sleds, the dogs triggered into action by Siggy’s eardrum shattering bellow. The ladies have a ball and joyously embrace, working to convince themselves that freezing in the snow, rather than basking in a luxury tropical resort, is a good time. Melissa points to Jacqueline being a party pooper, and Siggy jumps in and reminds them that romping with a hubby and taking a nap is a lot more fun than pretending that freezing a state away is actually fun. Bravo then treats us to a skiing blooper reel, and it is beyond pointless.

Teresa and Melissa powwow to gossip about Jacqueline, as Siggy and Dolores bust in on the isolated lovebirds. Jacqueline shares that she has decided to vamoose with her husband. Siggy bleats out her protest, and Dolores thinks that Robyn is the problem. Jacqueline assures everyone that her departure will ensure peace in Vermont, and reminds Siggy that she is being paid to keep Teresa happy. Dolores wants to inform Teresa that hanging with raging thugs isn’t any way to shake her felon rep.  Dolores wants Robyn to exit, so they can resume their fake normal cast frolicking.

The snowy wonderland morphs into a high-volume loony bin next week, as the hysteria escalates.   

 

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