Happy Labor Day! This week on the Real Housewives of Orange County, Tamra is checking out helmets for Eddie’s Glamis birthday party. Spoiler alert: Tamra nearly kills herself and Vicky, but anything for ratings, right? So far the guest list is iffy. Meh-gan can’t go because she may or may not be pregnant, but Heather, Vicky, and Kelly are in. As soon as Shannon learns that Kelly is going, she suddenly has a lung disorder and can’t go to Glamis.
Kelly and her husband Michael are Glamis shopping. Kelly doesn’t like how Heather is assuming Jesus’s job of judging. Who does she think she is? (Moses, would be my guess.) Kelly divulges that her marriage to Michael is rocky at best. He thinks they are not at the juncture yet for a vow renewal like David and Shannon. Fun fact: wind breakers break wind.
Great news! Shannon and David have sold their house for $9,050,000. They are so happy to be downsizing in 13 days. Hoo-rah. Shannon asks her young, cute agent/therapist for more time. He has even more great news. Shannon won’t have to pack as much because the buyers want the furniture for pennies on the dollar. Shannon says she doesn’t need spectacular in her rental, just amazing with buried crystals.
The hired driver picks up Heather and her son Nicky in the RV. These RV’s are fancy, y’all. The slides go out. It’s so Tom Cruise-ish. And the hired personal chef thinks it’s so cute! It’s like having a restaurant on wheels, only she’s pre-cooked everything, so no need to turn on the propane. Nicky is so happy. He realizes he will most likely survive his first camping trip with his mother.
We are with Meh–gan and Jimmy. They will soon find out if they are pregnant. Meghan is like so scared. OMG. Am I pregnant? Am I not?” They draw blood and Meghan takes it like a soldier…who has a hang nail. Jimmy is worried Meghan will break his hand from squeezing so hard. He asks if the hospital offers Lamaze classes for blood donations – because he’s a jerk if you haven’t noticed by now.
It’s trip time! The girls are riding up to Glamis with Fancy-pants. The guys went a day earlier to set up. Funny story: Heather’s hired diver gets lost! A three-hour trip takes five. And while on the road, Kelly gets the dry-heaves and hurls. Good times. This gives a whole new meaning to her potty mouth. Fancy-pants is annoyed. If anyone’s going to vomit in her comet, it’s going to be her.
Meghan and Jimmy are going to the desert, but not in a place so tacky as Glamis. Theirs is behind gates. Shannon and David are coming over, much to Jimmy’s irritation. We interrupt this emotion of Jimmy with breaking news. The doctor has called with the pregnancy results. Jimmy yawns because he’s been through this before. Wake him up when it’s over. The test results are positive. Yay! Meghan is pregnant. Her hard work has paid off! She’s so happy. It will take another two weeks before they learn if she’s pregnant with twins or a single. Jimmy is happy, though you can’t tell because sometimes the sperm donors don’t cry. It’s perfectly normal.
Five hours later, the girls arrive in Glamis. Eddie is so happy to
hump see Tamra. Heather thinks the camp site is so adorable and can now scratch trailer park from her bucket list. Kelly likes her smaller RV because it doesn’t smell like puke. Ryan, Sarah, and little Eva arrive as well as Michael and Jolie. The whole damn fam is there. Vicki climbs the sand mountain and little Nicky is shocked she’s not drunk. Because it’s just stupid to run out on the dune buggy freeway. It’s not a large children’s sand box, Vicky. You could get run over. And, btw, which one of you forgot to tell Heather there wasn’t a time limit for driving all night long, with engines gunning. I’m pretty sure she’s thinking of making her driver get lost again.
On the way to Meghan and Jimmy’s gated community with everything at your fingertips, David reminds Shannon, who should be home packing, that the biggest stressor in life is moving. Got that Shannon? Not cheating. It’s moving (especially downsizing) that’s the biggest stressor. Not a cheating husband who is tired of getting all the blame. The happy couple is dressed for a day of golf. There’s nothing stressful about couple’s golf! No siree.
Nicky is learning how to ride an ATV while Heather cringes and kvetches. Terry can’t be the one to teach the young lad this skill because he has no idea how to ride and cannot risk hurting his hands. Ready Eddie is Johnny on the spot and assumes the role of “real man.” Heather is wound tighter than angel-hair pasta maker as she watches her son drive around the dunes.
Next, Tamra gets ready to take the girls out and Vicki and Heather fight over who will ride shotgun. Heather wins. The helmets are on and the instructions are given. Tamra drives like a woman trying to escape her ex-husband. With each lap, Tamra gets more confident. She starts showing off. Then she flips the jeep. The jeep then rolls several times, sand is spraying everywhere. Kelly’s helmet flies off. And we go to commercial. Grr!
“Nobody move,” Heather repeats again and again, as she moves around, like she’s a doctor. Vicki has hurt her neck and is throwing up. Heather’s son witnesses the accident while operating his ATV without crashing it, and says the most reasonable statement of the night, “What the hell?”
A neck brace is placed on Vicki as the sirens grow louder and louder. Tamra is also on the ground being checked out. She doesn’t remember what happened, other than she screwed up and put her friends in jeopardy. Vicki starts to cry. She is carried off by a stretcher and airlifted out of there. Kelly calls Briana to tell her that her mother got into a “really bad accident.” The ambulance then carts off Tamra.
Not quite an hour later, Kelly and Tamra’s mom, who is very distraught, reminisce about the accident. We learn that Kelly’s helmet came off because she didn’t strap it in on properly and Heather calls Terry to describe how she jumped into action and saved the day. Eddie rode with Tamra, and Vicki flew alone, but so far no one has called to give an update on the ladies.
Heather calls Meghan to tell her about the wreck. Meghan is shocked. Heather explains to Meghan that poor Vicky is all by herself, alone in a hospital not too far from Meghan. Meh-gan says, “Excuse me, but I don’t’ like, Vicky.” Just because Meghan attended a party and the Merv Griffin estate arranged by Vicki for Vicky’s birthday, and brought a gift, why would that suggest that she and Vicki are friends? Unfortunately, some people only see what they want to see.
Tune in next week when everyone argues with each other. In the meantime, what did you think about the wreck, now that you’ve seen it in a larger context? Could this accident have been avoided or do these things just happen?
I am so lucky to combine blogging with my guilty pleasure of watching reality TV. I read all the comments and respond to most. Feel free to reach out to me. If you like fiction, I have two published novels: Three Days in Purgatory and A Reason to Run.