A girls trip is on tap, for this week’s Real Housewives of New Jersey. We begin the festivities with Siggy careening out of Jacqueline’s driveway, and Melissa and Teresa cramming their luggage into Dolores’ car. Everyone is excited about the spa trip—except Teresa, who is mumbling out garbled nonsense, while pondering commingling with crazies on the outside. We watch Siggy and Jacqueline chomp their gum wads, and Jacqueline promises she will spit it out and flatten Teresa, if the need presents itself. Siggy assures us that Jacqueline loves Teresa, but is insecure, because her Teresa love tank is empty. Teresa continues to rant about Jacqueline not putting her legal issues on the same level as ones that land you in the clink. The girls are heading to Crystal Springs Resort—a perfect probation-friendly getaway.
The first group of women makes their entrance, and they check out the nice digs. Jacqueline and Siggy arrive—and those from miles around are clued in by Siggy, bellowing her greetings to the staff. Teresa, Dolores and Melissa chat about the accommodations, until they are interrupted by a knock at the door, along with Siggy’s big yapper. The tension is thick between Jacqueline and Teresa, so Jacqueline jumps on a quiet basement bedroom. Teresa resists kicking her down the stairs, as Siggy blows the roof off the house, with a sarcastic dose of her relentless relationship quakery. Jacqueline plays along—but Teresa refuses to shake her hand until Jacqueline begs. They agree to fake civility, and try to get along. The group splits to change for dinner, as Teresa analyzes the handshake—and mulls over whether or not to go all inmate on Jacqueline’s ass.
Meanwhile, Joe is playing Mr. Mom, and the kids yell and cause a ruckus, right on cue. Chris phones in, so they can commiserate over being single dads for a couple of days.
In another corner of New Jersey, the ladies are welcomed to a nice dinner in the wine cellar of the resort. They banter/yell about their various vacations, and Jacqueline and Melissa share memories of their family trip to Italy. Jacqueline speaks about her financial struggles, and the challenge of dealing with money hurdles, while caring for a special needs child. Siggy launches into more counseling shtick, chattering about herself, as the women nod and try not to roll their eyes. We learn that her hubby, the invisible Michael, had an invisible bank account when they met. Melissa tells a harrowing tale of being a broke, diaper-less, Costco reject. Dolores is proud that they are all “ride or die” bitches, and Teresa agrees, because she loves Joe, at least until he slurs his way up the river. Siggy is an emotional and tipsy know-it-all—so she dabs away her tears, and proclaims them all survivors, who have weathered the cliches of her sermons.
The ladies head up to the deck to sit around the fire, as Siggy gushes out praise at Teresa for not flipping the table on top of Jacqueline. Jacqueline spills about Pete’s plans to propose to Ashlee, as Siggy shatters the peace with her shrieking proclamations of love. The ladies chat about their selfless motherly existences, and Melissa shares about her family history, and her desire to financially stand on her own. Teresa talks about her whoopsie-doopsie prison stint, and the sorrow that comes from missing her kids’ special moments. Jacqueline gets emotional, because the pair had their kiddos together, and she feels badly for Audriana. Teresa caves, and invites Jacqueline to her book party, and they all agree that they are soul sisters forever.
Because the girls are having such an unusually undramatic time, they call and try to trick Joe into thinking that they are in their normal hysterical misery. Siggy interjects, reminding us to never look back—because after all, we don’t go to work naked. The girls all play wine pong, get drunk and have lots of silly screechy fun. They finally give our ears a break, and call it a night. Melissa snuggles up with Teresa—while Teresa stifles a cringe. Melissa should remember that a two-month-freed Teresa may not be quite ready for girl cuddles. We jump to Chris, who is busy with his sons, and those handsome boys are simply adorable.
A new day dawns, which is welcomed by the crowing cast rooster, Siggy. They enjoy breakfast while watching a video of Gino winning his wrestling match. They chat about their kids, which triggers an emotional response from Jacqueline. Siggy talks her through being sad about Nick’s limitations, and his uncertain future. The girls flock in, and the women comfort her—and even Teresa is supportive. Later, Teresa’s boobs agree with Dolores, that they all need to be more sensitive. Jacqueline notes Teresa’s effort, and is touched that she actually listened to her heart.
The ladies head out to the pool, and Siggy continues to announce each transition with her signature bellow. Melissa and Dolores chat privately about avoiding arguments with the slammer-touchy Teresa. Melissa remarks that she is willing to kiss ass to keep their family together. Jacqueline knows that the duo is yapping about Teresa and her, and calls them out. They laugh it off, but Jacqueline knows what she’s talking about. The women begin their spa treatments, as Siggy offers a crack diagnosis, proclaiming that Teresa is changing, right on Bravo’s schedule. Teresa and Jacqueline have a nice talk, and the breakthrough seems genuine.
They head back to the house to cook dinner, and Melissa pries, to score info about Teresa and Jacqueline’s revived friendship. We shift to Joe, who has scored a free meal with that ol’ motherf**ker, Rino. They discuss Joe’s locked-up future, and guffaw over Teresa’s shrunken behind. Joe is concerned about leaving the girls alone, so he has enlisted a guard dog, who is trained to eat pushy attorneys.
Back at the resort, Siggy shares elementary commentary about Jacqueline and Teresa’s new kinship, and Melissa obnoxiously brings up their last argument— clearly bothered by the renewed friendship. Teresa squeals over dessert, as she and Melissa frolic as if they like each other—but as usual, it looks forced. Teresa sits in a rogue blob of chocolate, and the women explode into laughter, like crazy banshees who never do laundry. Jacqueline then tells Melissa and Dolores to cut the whispers, with a rather loud “SHUT UP.” They assure her that she’s not that interesting, but Jacqueline nails them for the pool gossip. Jacqueline agrees that too much thinking, gets her into trouble.
The ladies gather for yoga, and Teresa hopes that the practice will calm Jacqueline’s thoughts. They gasp over the intestinal benefits of yoga, and giggle through some fierce headstands. With a “namaste bitches,” the episode ends. Next week is the book party, and some good old fashioned sidewalk ranting. Don’t miss the Jersey fun!