‘RHONJ’ Recap: Melissa Gorga Steps Into The Jacqueline Laurita & Teresa Giudice Drama

The Real Housewives of New Jersey begins at Dolores’ house, which is undergoing a renovation. The house is ripped apart, and Frank aka the checkbook, is the boss. Siggy shows up, dramatically assuring the viewers  that Dolores is a warrior, and will most definitely survive accepting free white granite. Siggy tries to boss the crew around with her HGTV cheat  notes, but the freshly deafened workers ignore her. Dolores and her discount life coach show up at the Lauritas, where Jacqueline is shoveling snow — a nice departure from the crap we’ve seen shoveled this season. After some overacted giggles over the hilarity of a free home renovation, they get into the gossip of the hour — Jacqueline’s squabble with Teresa. Jacqueline pulls out her Teresa imitation, and shoots the ladies the play by plays.

We jump to Melissa and Joe, who are discussing the scandalous phone call from Jacqueline. Melissa is annoyed, and Joe is basking in the center of the nonsensical drama. Jacqueline spills that Melissa is peeved, sharing  that the duo is set for a showdown to hash out one insignificant phone call. We check in with Teresa, who is yakking about the same subject, while pondering what it will be like to practice yoga with balanced ankles. Joe encourages Teresa’s sloppy “yogi,” fetches the scissors, and hacks off the shackle behind closed doors. Teresa reveals that she is planning a family meeting, to instill structure within the home, in order to straighten out the screeching jungle that Joe created.

Jacqueline arrives for the showdown with Melissa, explaining that she got into a tiff with her sis-in-law, and Teresa’s ankle didn’t appreciate it. Melissa says that she is peeved that her caveman hubby was dragged into the hair-pulling, and that she should have been consulted, as a histrionics expert. Jac explains that Joe is her friend too, and likely the source of all shady double-talk. Melissa gives her a lesson in post-prison drama etiquette, which ticks Jac off, due to all of her pre-slammer, pro-Gorga support. Bravo flashes us back to the old days, blessing us with a shot of a pre made-over Melissa. Jac waves her finger around, dramatically defending her loyalty, and Melissa raises an eyebrow, noting that her old pal Jacqueline, is kinda off the beam. Jac points out that Teresa brought up her brother first, raising Melissa’s second eyebrow. Jacqueline snarks that Teresa is a yogi-con, which is problematic, because Melissa is doing her best to fake sisterly loyalty.

We shift gears, and witness Siggy greet her parents with her signature bellow, excitedly jabbering her concerns about her obnoxiously self-absorbed children. Her parents give her good tips, and encourage her to work harder.  Siggy wants to bring her family closer, so she commits to reviving family traditions, at least once,  for the cameras. Over at Jacqueline’s, her family is gathering for dinner, with Ashlee’s boyfriend, Pete. Pete arrives, and the family chats about the couple’s plans to shack up together. Pete drops the bomb that he wants to propose, and Jacqueline is thrilled that he wants her to help him ring shop.

Melissa and Joe appear, joining the Giudices to celebrate Teresa’s freed ankle. Teresa announces that she would love an “edamame” aka an enema, to flush out any slammer residue. Teresa informs Melissa that Jacqueline is now evil, and Melissa blames their common zodiac signs for the turmoil. We get a glimpse of Teresa the prison thug, as she rants against Jacqueline. Melissa advises a yoga session stat, plus a massive serving of edamame.

Over at Siggy’s, Josh is informing his mother who Andrew Jackson is, as Siggy embarrasses herself, calling the historical newsflash “amazing.” Siggy informs her little genius that Friday night dinner is on — and to fake like he cares. Meanwhile at Dolores,’ Frank is strutting through his demolished kingdom like a peacock, and Dolores is trying to sneak in some extra freebies. Siggy’s nasally airhorn blows next, as she welcomes her family for a traditional Shabbat dinner. She hollers at her kids about being too grid-obsessed, as the family prepares for the religious ritual. Siggy’s volume finally lowers, as she explains that she is working to honor her parents by having the traditional meal. Siggy falls short of “SuperJew” status — but accomplishes shaking off the Italian.   

The Giudice family meeting is kicked off, and Milania begins by voting her sisters off the mcmansion, and asking the others to lose the fat jokes. Milania then accuses her mother of tuning her out, and yapping on her phone too much. Gia blasts Joe for being a hothead, and her mom for thinking that anyone buys that she isn’t annoying. Teresa claims that she is super-chill, but Gia doesn’t buy her fake namaste storyline. Gabriella weighs in, by rolling her eyes. Back at Siggy’s, her father shares insight about family bonding time, and Sophie snarks out an insensitive remark about missing out on her hopping social life. Josh whips out his phone and ups her insensitivity with straight up disrespect. Siggy’s family inexplicably backs Josh up, and the family lesson is lost. 

The Giudices decide to celebrate Milania’s tenth birthday at an indoor skydiving facility, but Teresa’s un-zen state keeps her grounded. Milania is happy, but sad when she remembers that her dad will be at “camp” when she turns eleven. Teresa never thought she would see the day when their love story would turn into a seedy criminal nightmare.

We shift to Jacqueline meeting Pete in the city, to pick out an engagement ring for Ashlee. Pete is nervous, but is ready to drop a chunk of change on a hefty sparkler. Jacqueline is both giddy from being in love with the cutie  herself, and from relief that Ashlee is out of her bratty reprobate phase. Jacqueline has to adjust to the fact that Ashlee is grown up and leaving her, but loves Pete, and is happy to be gaining a son. It is a sweet scene, and it looks like Ashlee is set to score a nice rock. 

We check back with Dolores, who is watching her dog fade away, oddly equating losing her dog to a fresh start. Meanwhile, Dolores’ kitchen is being demolished, soon to join her poor pup in Dolores’ pile of memories. It’s an OC crossover, when Jacqueline and Siggy arrive and act gleeful about hard labor, just like the OC gang in Meghan’s kitchen. The gals squeal and cheer, and Siggy labels bashing walls “so cute.” Dolores’ partner calls in, and reams her out for abandoning the gym. Dolores wonders if her irresponsibility might be tied to existing as a spoiled brat. Siggy rams her fortune cookie counseling down Dolores’ throat, which makes her gag.

Back at Teresa’s, Melissa drops the idea of a girls’ trip, supposedly plotted to reconcile Jacqueline and Teresa. Nothing far away, so as not to break probationary travel restrictions — just something locally contrived, and doomed to failure. Teresa equates being with Jacqueline another stint in the clink, and Jac smells a rat named Intervention. Teresa may need a pre-vacation edamame, but agrees to the future crap-fest.

The show ends with Teresa squealing like a shackled pig over her fresh off the presses book, as Gia rolls her eyes into a blackout from the next room. Joe recites his rehearsed line, and notes that he smells a NYT bestseller. Teresa mentions a book party, and her plans to shut out, Jacqueline and Chris.

The spa trip will determine the couple’s book party destiny — catch the deal breaker next week! 

 

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