We are back! And in honor of the Olympics, I think it’s only fair to hand out medals based on tonight’s dinner party performance by the ladies of The Real Housewives of Orange County. We begin with a quick Japanese lesson at Tamra’s house with Kelly. Kelly says she’s no longer cool with Shannon, but Tamra warns her that Shannon has a way of eventually becoming cool. Then Tamra tells Kelly about the comment made by 70’s party guest, Nasty Nina, calling her a prostitute. Kelly doesn’t seem bothered by this because she knows she’s not a prostitute.
Over at Vicki’s house, she and Briana and the boys are talking about Briana’s new house and her $50K renovation. Not to be outdone, Vicki says she’s considering buying another boat since Don got the boat in the divorce. What Vicki really wants is a husband she can travel and have sex with. She also wants a wife to dump things on. Apply within. The main job will be to fill Vicki’s love tank. Briana has the brilliant idea to reconnect Vicki with Don and thus, the boat, travel and sex solution is solved. Vicki declines.
Elsewhere, Tamra calls Meghan to go over the last-night-to-drink-and-eat-sushi pre-pregnancy party guest list. Meghan had originally told Tamra it was okay to invite “everyone” however now she’s claiming that “everyone” didn’t include Vicki. And she’s pissed that Tamra has put her in a “bad spot.” Meghan no longer wants to go to the dinner party and will instead begin her hibernation during the winter of Jimmy’s absence. Tamra says she’ll un-invite Vicki, instead of canceling the party. In the testimonial, Tamra calls Meghan “Satan” and has no intention of uninviting Vicki.
Guess who’s going on the show The Doctor’s? Fancy-pants! What for? Who cares! She’s too busy complaining about how tired she is from watching Meghan give her speech Washington DC. Waa-waa. She’s so busy. Even though Heather constantly complains about how busy Terry is, she’s just as bad. Heather says she lacks “free time.” That’s right, her time costs big time!
Meghan is visiting with specialist, “Dr. Tim” who was referred, by who else, but Shannon for her IVF bloating. The doctor compares Meghan’s stomach to that of an oven trying to germinate, but Meghan doesn’t get his analogy. She’s not a fan of quackery, but will do whatever it takes to feel better. Shannon and Tamra stop by to steal the attention from Meghan and we learn from flashbacks that Dr. Tim was at the 70’s party and had a ringside seat for the Vicki and David smack down. He diagnoses Vicki as having “personal space” issues.
The doc leaves and Meghan apologizes to Tamra for the phone call, but says she never officially gave the go-ahead to invite Vicki. They chalk it up to miscommunication on the part of Meghan’s hormones. Meghan has now decided that everyone can come if they will smile and be nice. This is a recipe for disaster. You know that oven analogy? Well compare the dinner party to a baking soufflé when the oven door is continually opened. Tamra points out that Shannon, who is all about cleansing the toxicity from her body, won’t let go of the bad feelings she has for Vicki. Calling Dr. Moon for a lobotomy!
Over at Kelly’s house, Vicki has many issues. She’s stuck in the elevator, challenged by the blinged-out, over-sized, cork-screw, and unable to twist the pepper mill. But no worries, Kelly is botching dinner so nobody brought their A-game. Over undercooked cauliflower, Kelly shares with Vicki the prostitute comment that Nasty Nina made about her. Kelly’s now mad about it because her husband Michael told her she should be. Kelly informs Vicki that she has texted Shannon of her intent to pursue legal action against Nina for defamation of character.
In Tamra’s backyard, she receives a frantic call from Shannon about Kelly’s text saying she will sue Nina for defamation. Shannon is not Kelly’s freaking messenger. And Tamra is like, whatever, this is between you two. And Shannon is like, I would go to bat for you, you fence sitter. For now, Tamra doesn’t have a problem with Kelly and would prefer to keep it this way.
The sushi dinner is going well. They’ve taken off their shoes, placed Shannon and Kelly at opposite ends of the table, and no one is fighting, yet. Meghan raises a glass to thank Tamra for the dinner and for a positive turkey-basting outcome, but that’s when things take a turn for the worse. Kelly repeatedly tells Meghan that Shannon’s friends are disgusting – in a very loud voice. Meghan tries to shut it down, but Kelly is taking a ride on the runaway crazy train. Kelly says she’s a multi-millionaire so obviously she can’t be a prostitute. Tamra and Meghan clarify what Nasty Nina actually said was Kelly “sucks d*ck for money” which is not any better. When Shannon asks if Kelly is going to start yelling at her again, Kelly shouts, STFU to Shannon and then calls her a C-U Next Tuesday.
Kelly’s face is as red as her smart looking pantsuit. She starts crying because her daughter is now going to hear the prostitute comment, and just you wait Meghan until you have a child someday, you’ll drink wine by the carton, too. Tamra fires back that if Kelly is going to dish it out, she had better be prepared to take it. Take it? says Kelly. She then calls Tamra a dumb-f*ck for saying that. So by a landslide, Kelly wins the Gold Medal for her technical performance of the Potty Mouth.
Heather is disgusted by this vulgar, vile display and isn’t going to take it anymore, gosh darn it. She tells Kelly to leave. And Kelly is like, who the hell are you? So Heather leaves and Shannon follows, but they get as far the hallway. Tamra and Vicki follow, and Heather takes this opportunity to lash out at Vicki. So Heather wins the Silver Medal for her artistic display of the Condescending Leopard.
The rest of the ladies go into the hallway, and after Tamra receives the Bronze Medal for WTF? She’s the Voice of Reason? Tamra yells at Kelly for her drunken display. Tamra’s winey voice jolts Kelly back into her normal self. Kelly then apologizes to Shannon for her C-U Next Tuesday comment and to Tamra for being a drunken mess.
After Kelly leaves the hallway, Tamra and Shannon discuss how Kelly is “not well” and “needs help.” When Tamra looks into Kelly’s eyes, she sees pain, but when Shannon looks, she sees evil. I wonder what Shannon sees when she looks into David’s eyes. They discuss compassion, but Shannon says she has none for Kelly or Vicki. Apparently, Shannon used it all up on David.
Back at the table, Kelly makes fun of Heather to Vicki and Tamra and they laugh. Cut to the limo with Heather sobbing on the phone to Terry. Somehow, Terry can understand what she’s saying, though we can’t, but Heather manages to squeak out that she doesn’t want Kelly in her life ever again. Back at the table, Kelly explains she’s not making fun of Heather, she’s simply doing an impression because she’s a comedian. Kelly’s impression may be mean, but it’s funny.
Tune in next week when Heather analyzes Kelly as being “damaged.”
I am so lucky to combine blogging with my guilty pleasure of watching reality TV. I read all the comments and respond to most. Feel free to reach out to me. If you like fiction, I have two published novels: Three Days in Purgatory and A Reason to Run.