‘RHONY’ RECAP: Tensions Boil Over At Luann & Tom’s Engagement Party

The Real Housewives of New York kicks off in Palm Beach, during Luann and Tom’s engagement party. Carole and Ramona are chatting about the ongoing love-drama, and remind Sonja that Luann is a bit of a man eating  backstabber. The viewers are once again brought up to speed, and reminded that Sonja actually boinked Luann’s true love a mere eight weeks ago. Sonja admits to feeling unsure if ten years of drunk sex absolutely positively pointed to no real future. 

The guests arrive, as Luann squeals for a fresh crowd, showing off her murky yellow rock. Sonja has been successfully bullied into worry and anxiety, but is hoping for the best, when she crosses paths with Tom. Dorinda meets the Palm Beach crowd, and humbly accepts accolades for matchmaker of the year. Kimberlie, the sex-kitten yacht owner, is given a shout-out and Sonja kindly fakes being impressed with her subpar boat. Sonja and Ramona survey the party landscape, as Luann’s friend Eric swoops Sonja away, leaving Ramona alone with her hair. Ramona greets the other guests, as Sonja disses the lame crowd. Ramona flatters herself, commenting that Luann is trying to block Tom from her provocative allure. Tom finally tosses Ramona a polite hello—as Ramona blushes and bats her eyelashes.

Sonja is nervous, and Carole is enjoying the awkward spectacle. Sonja’s voice jumps a couple of octaves as she joins Carole in greeting Tom. As Luann approaches the trio, Tom gets nervous, and gives the “help me” signal to anyone within earshot. He offers a few kind words to Sonja, but is obviously concerned with keeping away from women without undies. Sonja isn’t happy that going pantiless proved fruitless, and that Tom is distant. She is peeved that Tom is unconcerned for her BL status, but Ramona doesn’t care, as she pants all over Tom. The pair disagrees about Tom’s non-interest in her ten years ago, while Ramona bleats out their brief history to anyone who will listen. Ramona calls Tom “baby,” and wonders why he is lying to cover up their meaningful dating history.

Sonja begins chatting with a new hunk of man-meat, who appreciates her lack of underwear—but Sonja is worried that his bank account might not match his interest in her cleavage. Tom begins telling a tale about being engaged to a grapefruit, and Ramona squeals with delight—while dissing Tom for “flirting” with a camera in his face.

Jules gets busy behind the bar, while Ramona dances around solo, almost trampling an innocent bystander. Ramona and Carole go outside, and discuss the inappropriateness of Tom liking the smell of Ramona’s grapefruits. Meanwhile, Sonja and Luann exchange affectionate words, while Luann gasps, giggles, and waves her murky hand around. Sonja isn’t happy that her BL status is not being acknowledged. Back outside, Ramona diagnoses the situation as one of an insecure couple who needs constant reaffirmation from other lovers—pretty rich coming from an in-heat woman with ginormous implants and fake hair. Dorinda slurs out a toast, and everyone cheers to the unintelligible good wishes.

Morning dawns, and the party is but a memory. Jules phones her family,  chats with her kiddos, and learns that her dirty cheating husband is not with them. Jules and Michael have a bickering match, which leaves Jules feeling guilty that her kids aren’t with their only decent parent.

Dorinda wakes up Carole, bragging about her stellar early morning speech patterns. The duo chats about Carole’s first meeting with Tom, which was during Ramona and Tom’s hot and nothing period. Ramona joins them, and retells the story of when Tom first picked her up in a bar. Their next date was marked by a big leg heart—a detail that invites astonished gasps. Luann busts in right before Ramona gets to the good part, which turns out to be a snoozy story about backgammon. There was only board-game heat between them, and due to little chemistry, the couple was declared a bust. Ramona looks in on Sonja, who astutely admits that she feels silly for being overdramatic, but Ramona corrects her, assuring her that she is spot-on, for being overreactive and heartbroken.

Dorinda comes up on deck, and tattles on the group to Luann like a five year old, forgetting to include herself in the blab. Luann is annoyed, as Dorinda secretly congratulates herself. Luann storms down and slams in on Ramona and Sonja, telling Ramona to shut the hell up. Luann calls her a jealous b*tch, and threatens to make her walk the plank. Ramona blasts Lu in response, with her squirreled away media whore accusation—and brazenly downgrades dream-Tom to a common dude.

Meanwhile, Dorinda is enjoying her breakfast, thrilled at the gossip-fest she managed to create. Ramona throws papers around and rants about her desire to be discreet—on a reality television show. Ramona announces their argument to the daylight group, and Dorinda tries not to clap her hands in glee. Sonja’s romps with Tom have been blown into a Love Story sequel, but Dorinda brings us all back to the cheap seats, reminding us that Sonja and Tom were simply drunk boinking buddies. A boat full of hot guys cruises by, and Ramona almost rips out her clip ins, and belly-flops overboard. Luann demands an apology from Ramona while offering her own, ordering her to shut her Tom-obsessed pie-hole. Jules just hopes that one millisecond of this hellish trip will be enjoyable. Sonja approaches Luann with her BL sorrow, and Luann insensitively laughs her off—either to play down the drama, or perhaps because she is just sick to death of the topic.

The gals head to Miami, as we join Bethenny air-horning about the scandalous texts that could ruin her chances for a murky yellow bridesmaid dress. Bethenny calls Carole to get the scoop on the party, and Carole shares that Lu and Tom are either a blissfully happy couple, or a pair of raging attention whores. Bethenny needs her side-nag stat, and promises her a carrot if she hightails it to her side. The ladies arrive, and check out their fab digs. The gals burst in on Bethenny by mistake, and Bethenny is aghast that the Luann is the one to greet her first.

Bethenny shoots questions at Lu, asking if the relationship is legit, and if she is 100% sure. Luann squeals with delight, in response. Sonja and Ramona whisper about snagging the best room—far more important than any guy. Bethenny hammers Luann with questions—asking if they are planning an open marriage like her last go-round. Luann ignores the jab, and assures her that they are monogamous. Luann thinks Bethenny’s questions are bizarre, and  believes that the skinny bitch is up to something. Carole and Ramona check in with the “B” to fill her in—but neither can deny that Tom and Lu seem ecstatic. Bethenny isn’t happy when others truly are, so she slams Tom as an old money gigolo who preys on wealthy women. Bethenny drops the bomb that Tom is a serial make-out artist, and after debating the right thing to do, she decides that she needs to tell Lu. Scratch that— this drama is simply too delish to not drag out a couple of more weeks.

See you in two weeks while the olympics airs! 

 

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