We join the ladies of The Real Housewives of Orange County as they process the nightmare aftermath of Shannon’s 70’s party. First up, Meghan is getting her eggs retrieved and Jimmy’s not there, of course, but thankfully the drugs are! Turns out Meghan’s doctor’s ex-wife was the rude woman with the accent at Shannon’s party. You know, the one who said she didn’t have to suck di*k to pay her bills. What she didn’t say with her “colorful mouth” was she divorced a wealthy doctor. Small world.
Next up, Tamra drops by Vicky’s office to chew the non-fat about the party. After Vicki explains she needs a wife to dump things on, they reminisce about the party. If I have to hear Kelly repeat “Who?” a thousand times again I’m going to go to go cuckoo! Speaking of, Tamra explains that Kelly went cuckoo and Shannon went cuckoo. And cuckoo met cuckoo. And she doesn’t know who is more cuckoo. And now Vicki has something against David Beador and his cuckoo-ness. Vicki ponders if David also speaks to Shannon in such a rude way. Shocker of it all, Tamra doesn’t want to go there, when just last year she would have led the way.
Over at Shannon and David’s house, as they work out, David says there’s no chance that Michael and Kelly would have bashed Shannon in front of him – because he’s so tough? News flash David, they would have, it’s called liquid courage, same thing you were on. Shannon tells David that for Kelly to stoop so low and mention it’s “no wonder David cheated” made her see red and stoop to Kelly’s level and mention that Kelly cheated.
Then we soar like an owl over to Kelly and Michael’s as they laugh about the shortest party ever. They claim they walked in and were immediately kicked out. It seemed much longer, didn’t it? Kelly says she was ambushed and Michael claims it’s no big secret that Kelly stepped out on him, but for the record, she wasn’t a cheater because legally they were separated and when you are legally separated apparently it’s not cheating when you date other men. Get your facts straight, bitches!
We switch now to Meghan and Heather who are going to Washington DC. Meghan is speaking to a group of colon cancer survivors to advocate for a bill that will fund screening for colon cancer. Last year her cause du jour was Type 1 Diabetes. We learn that ten of Meghan’s eggs were successfully fertilized – but the really good news is – they didn’t rehash Shannon’s 70’s party. Can I get a woo-hoo!
Across town, Shannon is visiting with Dr. Feelgood. There was so much toxicity at the 70’s party that Shannon needs to have it sucked really hard from her back with lots of little vacuum pumps. Good thing Shannon has plenty of back fat. Then, Dr. Feelgood uses a tattoo gun to puncture the skin and release the toxins. Such a waste of good money.
Meghan and Heather have arrived in DC and who cares if they look like prostitutes – the point is they look like expensive prostitutes. Meghan vents about Jimmy’s lack of enthusiasm about anything pertaining to Meghan making a baby. Turns out, Jimmyboy had two days off and could have been there for the egg retrieval, but golf seemed like a better application of his time. We are shown a flashback of Meghan calling Jimmy post-surgery and interrupting his golf game. But if anyone can understand an absentee husband, it’s Heather. She reminds Meghan to look at the big picture of…single motherhood?
Back with Kelly and Michael, we see firsthand their struggle to communicate over simple tasks such as cooking dinner. Over burnt steaks, Kelly tells her mom about being set up at the 70’s party. Her mom tells Kelly to be nice instead of being negative and advises her to give Shannon another shot…of alcohol! Ba-dum-tisk! Even Michael is on board with giving Mrs. Roper another chance.
Tamra is with her spiritual guidance/fitness trainer, Mia, whom she currently spends more time with than Eddie. Today’s lesson is her how to dress sexy for the competition. The string bikini must have lots of bling. And maybe a surfboard made out of Styrofoam to lug across the stage because even though she’s been lifting weights and this is a fitness competition, why carry something so heavy. I mean what’s the point? Next lesson is how walk like a hooker, but not an expensive hooker.
It’s time for the speech in DC. Poor Heather didn’t get the “wear blue” memo. Meghan shares her story of helping her husband’s ex-wife and well, umm, you see, she would, umm, things got, well, worse, and umm…uh-oh! Someone didn’t practice their speech beforehand. Meghan wraps up by saying, together they can move barriers. Nobody was moved.
Vicki arrives at Briana’s new house that she “bought” her until Briana sells her home in Oklahoma and pays her back just like the Mercedes Vicki “bought” Briana in college. Quite a difference in home prices between OK and the OC. Tamra stops by because this is her neighborhood – though Tamra points out she lives inside the gates – to give Briana a bible verse tee-shirt. Meanwhile, Troy has taken Nana’s keys and locked himself in Nana’s car. Sweet little Troy is what we call, payback!
Kelly calls Shannon to set up (get it) a time and place for the two of them to talk. I hope “talk” is code for bitch-slap. Kelly is very appreciative when Shannon agrees. She says she will text Shannon the time and place. Hopefully it will be in a cemetery at midnight. That’ll freak Shannon out.
After the speech, Meghan and Heather toast with champagne. Tamra calls because the producers told her to and so they can “plan” a bachelorette party to celebrate the last night Meghan can drink. When Heather asks if a party is a good idea what with the discord between Heather and Kelly, Tamra tells them the two are meeting right now. Meghan tells the ladies that at the party, she was there when Shannon asked the two troublemakers, Jaci and Nina, to join her in the back. Set up? If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck and has lips like a duck, then it’s a freaking duck.
Shannon wants to buy Kelly an etiquette book, but needs to buy one for herself as well. Kelly suggests they just be cordial since she doesn’t know if she wants to apologize. Shannon says no, they won’t be cordial because she doesn’t trust Kelly. And by the way, according to Shannon, she’s not a liar. Here’s the thing Shannon – nobody believes you!