‘RHONY’ RECAP — Bethenny’s Bombshell Threatens To End Luann’s Engagement

The Real Housewives of New York kicks off in a restaurant, with Sonja and Dorinda. The Hawaii trip has been cancelled, due to the boss ignoring her stubborn bleeding, so Dorinda has decided to relocate the jaunt to fibroid-friendly Miami. Luann practically lives in the area, hanging out with Tom, in Palm Beach. Ramona and Luann join the group, and after gasping over Ramona’s stunningly garish makeup, Dorinda spills the news about Hawaii shifting to Miami. Ramona is peeved, because Miami is more like her extension-littered bathroom, than a vacation spot. 

Luann is happy, because she already has friends and a yacht, perfect for an engagement bash. The dreaded “girls trip” label is floated, and Luann is pronounced penis-obsessed, for choosing to avoid another bitchy slumber party. Ramona shoves in yet another meatball and runs, all fueled up and ready for her hopefully single gynecologist — or random quickie — whichever comes first.   

We hop over to Jules, who is shoe shopping. Jules is excited to be going to Miami, because there’s fun nightlife, and her parents are nearby. Ramona and Sonja join her, and Ramona remarks that she is feeling pretty darn hot these days. Sonja snarks that she’s been there, done that. Ramona informs the girls that she is peeved at Luann, because she is a big media blabbermouth, while demanding they keep the cross-pollinating Tom-drama hush-hush. Ramona’s many boyfriends are in a tizzy, because the press got her confused with Sonja, and they don’t want to date a two-bit hussy. Ramona doesn’t want her name linked to Luann and Tom, especially because her Tom date tally keeps dropping. Sonja informs us that third date sex is the norm, unless you eat three times, which jumps the timeline up by two and a half dates. They all agree that common man-parts shouldn’t invade friends.   

Bethenny is having the girls over for a tea party, to discuss Miami details and marvel over her hostessing skills. They discuss Bethenny’s bloody trip with Bryn, while Carole paws the fresh fruit, looking for an apple. Bethenny’s fibroids are about to explode all over her white furniture, so she finally admits that she needs the surgery. We hear about the scheduled engagement party in Palm Beach, and the jaw-dropping possibility of all of Tom’s Angels, gathering on the same boat. Bethenny speculates that the party will be a deliciously dramatic display — but her fibroids might revolt in the hysteria, so she won’t be attending. Bethenny wants to have a Mexican fiesta to thank the gals for their support, always shooting to upstage current   party jabber. Over at Carole’s, she is talking to her lookalike baby, and chatting with Dorinda about Luann’s engagement party. Carole is curious, and thirsty for Tom-drama, so she is all in.

We travel south, and join Jules at her parents’ home. Jules is quite a combo of the two, and she is thrilled to see them. Jules’ created drink has made it into Whole Foods, and her parents are happy and proud. The group FaceTimes the kiddies, and Jagger is distraught, because his daddy is carousing around town, rather than being a crappy but present father to his children.

We jump to Sonja, Dorinda, and Ramona, who are picking up their luggage at the airport. We check in with the deliriously happy Luann on the luxurious yacht, as she greets Jules. We hop between the groups, as they all jabber about Tom, the breakout stud of the season. Sonja jabs at Dorinda for playing all sides, and Dorinda winks in response. A cute driver picks them up, and Ramona almost tackles him, in a hormonal frenzy. Jules and Luann toast to her engagement, as Sonja, Dorinda, and Ramona rehash Tom’s little black book mishmash. Ramona takes offense that Luann isn’t being forthright, and thinks that she deserves a good lecture. Dorinda reminds her that Luann is a media whore, and Ramona agrees.

Sonja boasts that she has kept her dirty romps under wraps, and had no idea that Luann was indulging in her sloppy seconds. Ramona points out that Tom wined and dined her — but only screwed Sonja — which Sonja corrects to “making love.” Dorinda proclaims the whole thing just gross and wonders how Sonja and Luann didn’t bang into each other in Tom’s revolving door of floozies ladies. Dorinda labels Tom “deceitful,” and Ramona believes that Luann can join him in that description, and throw in sex addict, while she’s at it.

The ladies arrive at the yacht, and Ramona gushes out her fake greetings. Sonja is happy to see Lu, but throws a dig at the yacht, making sure we all know that her yacht memories trump Luann’s friend’s sub-par boat. Ramona bugs her crazy eyes, and throws shade at Luann for offering Sonja a drink, as the group tours the gorgeous yacht. They choose bedrooms, and Ramona throws herself at a member of the crew, in a cringeworthy, bottomless display. Dorinda stirs it up with Luann, but Luann proclaims Ramona an in-heat idiot who won’t ruin her night with her pants-less nonsense. Dorinda and Luann banter about who is leaking to the press, but Luann reminds her that she can tell her story to whomever she wants. Ramona basks in her frisky bachelorette glory, and Sonja snaps pics to capture the self-obsessed moment. Carole arrives, as Sonja and Ramona critique her glamor-shots. Ramona grills Luann about the man-meat showing up for the party, and proclaims that Luann’s madame skills blow. 

We hop to Bethenny, who is in Miami, gossiping with her friend, Sarah. Sarah confuses “fun” with “torture,” as Bethenny reveals that she has been unable to socialize, due to her uterine angst. Bethenny nastily describes Luann — calling the Countess “extremely desperate,” exposed by her loose dating habits over the past summer, which landed her with a ring on her finger. Bethenny spills the Tom-tea in a nutshell, as Bravo flashes to Luann gushing over her true love, and future wedding plans. Ramona digs that Tom actually winked at Carole too — as Luann nods and smiles, not biting at her bait. Sonja calls the scenario “awkward” because she lost a companion, lover, and a dinner-friendly credit card.

Bethenny snarks that Tom’s stomping grounds are wealthy upper east-side women, then drops a bomb. Bethenny has received a series of incriminating texts, that could send Luann and Tom back out on the uptown streets. Bethenny claims to be worried about being the messenger of the scandalous info, but Sarah sharply reminds her that she is a giant bitch — so she might as well act like one.

Sonja thinks that Luann’s love-chatter is dismissive of her platinum “Before-Lu,” status. Sonja is sucking it up, knowing that her biting talking heads should do the trick later. Luann notes that she and Tom are a perfect match — because they have both whored dated around the city like champs.

Back on the yacht, the girls are getting dolled up, as the infamous Tom arrives. The women snark about Sonja and Tom’s last roll in the hay, as Sonja practices her alluring moves in a revealing dress.

Ramona puts pressure on Sonja, hyping their relationship into the stratosphere, until Sonja admits to feeling bullied into being emotional. Ramona pushes and pushes, clearly hoping that Sonja will melt into a murky yellow puddle at Tom’s feet.

Next week, Tom gets raked over the coals, Ramona pushes Sonja into an emotional meltdown, and Bethenny is bleeding a secret. 

 

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