We begin The Real Housewives of Orange County mid-smack down at the 70’s party between David and Vicki and then Kelly and Shannon. It’s not a good look on anyone and it has nothing to do with the tacky costumes. Kelly calls out, “No wonder you cheated on your wife,” to David. Then Shannon says, “Weren’t you cheating on your husband,” to Kelly. Then Kelly does a very strange owl impression. It’s a psychedelic mess. The good news is – Shannon’s record of throwing awful parties is still intact!
But let’s go back 48-hours and join Shannon, David and the kids shopping for 70’s clothes and wigs. Shannon educates her daughters about the thing to do back in the day called streaking. Think that was embarrassing? It gets worse. The kids inform mom and dad they are learning about puberty at school. Stella asks her dad if he’s ever had a wet dream. “Did you? Did you? How many? How many?” I should feel bad for David, but I don’t.
Next, we join Tamra and Kelly who are also shopping for their far-out costumes. The two cannot agree on which clothes are 60’s and which are 70’s, but hooray, Kelly no longer thinks of Shannon as vile – now she’s just a Debbie-Downer. Tamra explains that she used to be close with Shannon, but screwed it up when she blabbed stuff she shouldn’t have about Shannon’s marriage. Kelly thinks if Shannon could forgive Tamra, she should forgive Vicki. But Shannon’s forgiveness cup runneth over what with David’s infidelities.
Meghan stops by Heather’s house to get her daily hormone shot because she can’t do it, her husband Jimmy isn’t around (no surprise) and Terry is at work (also no surprise). We learn that Meghan is giving a speech in Washington on colon cancer because after Jimmy’s ex-wife LeAnn passed away last year, Meghan was deeply, deeply, deeply affected by it. Terry comes home and the kids practically don’t recognize him. Heather’s unhappy Terry won’t be home for Mother’s Day due to his schedule. She emasculates him despite Meghan and the kids’ presence.
Over at Vicki’s house, things are settling down. Briana is feeling better, but moving slowly. Her boys have missed their mommy, but Nana Vicki did the best she could. And since Briana is somewhat better, Vicki is going to Shannon’s 70’s party, even though things will never be the same again between them – this season.
Kelly and her daughter Jolie go to the nail salon to get their toes done. Jolie is excited to be going to the Justin Bieber concert, and informs her mom she is too old for him. By the way, Jolie needs another IPad, but it’s okay. This is why Kelly sends her to Catholic school, so Jolie will know that God comes first and material excess comes second.
Jimmy’s back, but he’s leaving. He and Meghan are driving to the airport, only he’s not paying attention to her IVF journey and says he doesn’t care if they face time while she gives herself a shot. After a quick swat from Meghan, Jimmy now wants to face time during the shot. Sperm donor Jimmy is clueless to how isolated Meghan is feeling.
It’s now the night of the disastrous party. David isn’t happy that Vicki will be there and Shannon isn’t happy that Kelly will be there, of course Shannon invited both of these ladies, so it’s nifty they will ride together. Vicki looks the part perfectly. Vicki, Kelly and Michael all take a shot of Tequila. Can I get a woo-hoo! There’s a party in Kelly’s mouth and everyone’s coming. Ba-dum-tisk!
The groovy party is ready. There’s shag carpet, disco lights, pet rocks, lava lamps, and Jello-Shots. Meghan has brought her hip mom. Eddie is wearing a shag wig that practically touches the ceiling. Heather is Roller-Girl. And a woman is there named, Jaci (pronounced Jackie) whose purpose is clearly to stir the pot. In front of Michael, Jaci brings up when she and Kelly met originally, Kelly was with another guy. This was during the time Michael and Kelly were separated, but not cool.
Meghan is not feeling well and goes to sit down. Terry is dancing like he’s John Travolta and unwittingly pushes Heather to the ground. Tamra is not drinking tonight because she’s prepping for her competition. Meghan asks Tamra if she’s forgiven Vicki. Tamra, being a card-carrying Christian now, says why yes, she has. Meghan doesn’t understand this and Tamra doesn’t understand why Meghan needs to understand this.
Disco is dead and so is this party. There aren’t enough people to fill up the place, but everyone is getting their drink on. Terry and Heather have a heart to heart about how he is saying yes to everyone, but his family. Terry explains, “I’m doing something so important right now.” Like Heather isn’t? I mean did that mansion build itself? Heather instructs Terry that he can no longer say yes. Understand, Terry? He says yes!
So Jaci is filling in Tamra and Shannon on the gossip of Kelly. But up walks Kelly and Vicki looking for Vicki’s purse. This rude woman named Nina with a thick accent tells Kelly to go look for her purse in the back. Then Jaci says, “This isn’t going how I thought.” Really? How did you think it would go? Nina announces she doesn’t have to suck anyone’s di** to pay her bills. Real classy, this one.
Kelly and Vicki find the purse and learn from Heather that it was rude Nina who moved Vicki’s purse to their table. When Tamra steps away, Vicki and Kelly ask her what she’s doing with “that b*tch.” Tamra informs them that b*tch is talking shit about Kelly. Vicki and Kelly go back to confront that b*tch. Kelly tells the two women they look like every average Newport Beach chick. Uh-uh. It’s on. Especially when Kelly calls Shannon, Mrs. Roper. They are kicked out of the party. Vicki sneaks off like a slinky down the stairs and Kelly accuses Shannon of setting her up.
Then Vicki and David get into a fight and tell each other to shut the eff up. Shannon runs to David for help, but he couldn’t care less because he’s busy telling Vicki she’s the lowest of the low. Vicki tells David he’s a cheater. Everyone tells Kelly to have another drink and this brings us back to the beginning. Kelly begins her owl impression by saying, “Who? Who? Who?” to everything Shannon says. Vicki climbs into the limo and calls Brooks to clear her name after David‘s “liar,” accusation.
This is enough to force Tamra to drink despite her fitness diet. Tamra and Shannon decide to liven up the party by streaking – in unitards. And we are full circle. Back in the limo, Vicki tells Michael this is a “very manipulative bunch” Ya think?
Tune in next week when Kelly and Shannon meet for smack down part two. Tell us what you think. Was Kelly set up by Shannon?
I am so lucky to combine blogging with my guilty pleasure of watching reality TV. I read all the comments and respond to most. Feel free to reach out to me. If you like fiction, I have two published novels: Three Days in Purgatory and A Reason to Run.