RECAP: Real Housewives of New Jersey — Jacqueline Shows Up On Teresa’s Doorstep [Season 7, Episode 3]

A new day is dawning on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and all of the families are awakening to a new day of contrived drama. Teresa scores some points for making eggs instead of flipping a pop-tart like her lazy new bestie, Melissa. Melissa gets a pass, because she is busy getting ready to go on a buying spree in the city, to stock her new boutique. Her kids are unimpressed with their lame working mother, but Teresa’s girls are happy. The Giudice girls get decent eggs and smooth ponytails, while their fired sub sleeps it off in his gaudy bed. Teresa tells trapped tales of being monitored via her ankle, as the kiddos manage to walk themselves to the end of their driveway. Teresa screams after their runaway dog, who doesn’t understand the plight of the home-confined. We check in with Jacqueline, who is heading over to see Teresa, to put her hyperactive anxiety about their relationship to rest.

We join Teresa and Joe’s blank stares, as they survey their bills, and inform us that Joe is the fiscal thug of the family. Teresa is just innocently old-fashioned and naive, but is now angry, and promises to be super DUPER careful with her signature in the future.

Jacqueline arrives with coffee, and Teresa fakes delighted happiness, while secretly expressing shock at the filmed intrusion. The pair chats awkwardly, as Jacqueline shares her heart—albeit a bit early—through sniffles of hope. Jacqueline hits Tre with all of her confused complaints, and Teresa cites “camp” as the place that allowed her time to read about a foreign word called “forgiveness.” Teresa shares that she wants to rebuild with Jacqueline, which seems to make them both happy. Teresa asks about Nicholas, which is an encouraging sign, especially coupled with Tre’s Camp Yoga sex position demo. Bravo gives us a peek at the ankle monitor, and Teresa offers Jacqueline a charming craft lesson, describing the how-to’s of prison-friendly sexual aids. Teresa suddenly remembers an appointment, and cuts the visit short. Fingers crossed that she’s paying the orthodontist.

We join Melissa and her business partner, Jackie, who are picking out clothes for Envy—a Melissa Gorga satellite closet. Jackie pushes an ugly pantsuit, and Melissa says no—because only tight dresses and shortie rompers are allowed. Jackie’s tutu storms off in a huff, but returns ready to placate Mel’s hoochie aesthetic. We jump to Dolores, who is taking down her Christmas tree, and greeting Siggy, who is ready to whip the sad-sack rookie into shape. Dolores has returned to her family house, post-breakup, and it needs a renovation. She wants a fresh start, as a symbol for being single and self sufficient. Siggy’s facelift is declared a success, and she notes that she is willing to partner with any willing felon to pull off a nice shindig for her droopy pal. Siggy won’t judge, and hopes that she can play matchmaker between Jacqueline and Tre. Jacqueline shows up, and Siggy screeches an airhorn-like greeting. Jacqueline shares her happy news—that she and Tre are reviving their Lucy and Ethel shtick. Dolores and Siggy are over the moon—and overact their gleeful bliss at the born-again friendship.

We find ourselves back at the Giudices, where Teresa is getting ready for a visit with Melissa and the kids. Milania screams like an attention-starved brat, and Teresa tells her to stop—because obnoxious females just aren’t cute anymore. Melissa arrives, and complains that Joe isn’t helping out while clothed, and Teresa defends him, noting that being old-fashioned and clueless, is hereditary. Teresa shares her happy news about Jacqueline, and Melissa tries not to twitch with jealousy. Melissa shares her desire for a long peace treaty between Teresa and Jacqueline—while trying not to snicker.

We jump over to a pizza party at Dolores’ house, where we learn about their family history. We sit through a narrative about college, dogs, and a garbage chore gone awry, and it’s a big snooze. Dolores’ ex lives down the street, and they remain friendly—with no benefits. The clan sits around and laughs about the rascally infidelity that busted up the family—and the scene is odd.

Siggy is off to meet Teresa, so she phones veteran, Jacqueline, for a pep talk. Jacqueline assures her that prison-worn felons aren’t that scary, and encourages her to just be herself. The colorful Sig shares a little about her history, including that she was born in Jerusalem, and raised in a religious home. She is a love/relationship expert, and is a fab friend to anyone—even unrepentant criminals.  She comments that you only live once, so ya better do it right—Teresa’s pre-slammer motto, so this pair might just hit it off. The duo is meeting to plan a party for Dolores, but Siggy has already planned the whole event. Siggy and Teresa meet and exchange pleasantries, and Siggy’s roadside-shackled butterflies melt away, as the new friendship blossoms. They discuss leopard-chic details, as Siggy fends off a post-hysterectomy hot flash. Siggy puts in a plug for Jacqueline, but Teresa’s filming hourglass is running low, and her ankle hardware needs to run.

We meet Dolores’ 102-year-old grandmother, who is by far the most interesting character on this show. Dolores struggles with subtracting a century from 2016, and wonders if Gram was actually alive in the 1930’s. Dolores’ family shows up, as she surmises that she would be better off as a married criminal, like you-know-who. The family gushes over the sheer perfection of their unfaithfully devoted ex son-in-law—painting a glorious picture of a beautifully functioning family.

It’s the day of the party, and the women get ready, excited to reunite as a group. The women gather, as Kathy arrives and sees her freed cousin for the first time. Teresa hopes that no one mentions the “legal matters” dragging down her ankle. Rosie shows up, just before Dolores makes her grand entrance, to banshee screams. Teresa toasts to friendships, and Dolores is happy.

Kathy and Rosie swap confused murmurs about  Teresa’s cold shoulder, and agree to just roll with it, and not make waves. The group acts out silly anecdotes about Dolores, but Melissa invites Joe’s erection into the narrative—always the unwelcome guest. Teresa tells a gory prison sex story—providing some gritty reality in the midst of tacky leopard fakery. The moral of the story is to plug your nose, and wear earplugs—or better yet—obey the law, and stick to the story subject. Melissa generously counsels Jacqueline and Teresa, gently reminding them that they don’t HAVE to be friends. Dolores appreciates her besties dragging her through her dark days, even if Teresa’s crude prison tale was random, and revolting.

The women carry on with the drunk-fest, and then stagger out of the place, after more “camp” ditties. Teresa and Melissa get into Teresa’s new ride, as the other ladies shlep to the awaiting limo. Siggy whips out some slippers to make the walk easier, as the others teeter to the car. Melissa  slurs/snarks about Teresa’s new luxury vehicle, while Teresa side-eyes her from the driver’s seat. Melissa bashes Teresa’s rusty driving, as Teresa calls to inform her brother that his wife is a lush. Back in the limo, the ladies get comfy and note that they should get Melissa drunk more often. A sober Melissa blabbers nonsense about being a fun drunk, and acting as her own “spirit animal,” proving that she makes far more sense when she’s slurring. Melissa arrives home to a likely naked and ready Joe. Bravo mercifully spares us the gross spectacle.

Next week, Teresa confronts Joe about his extracurriculars, while she was away at “camp,” and Envy gets set to open. Until next week! 

 

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