RECAP: Real Housewives of New York — Jules Wainstein Feels It’s Not Healthy To Be Around Bethenny Frankel

The Real Housewives of New York begins with the cast’s arrival at Mohegan Sun. The venue rolls out the red carpet for the group, and Ramona has the women pick their rooms blindly, to avoid knocking each other over in a stampede. The women politely oblige, while Ramona smirks that she already secured the best room. Sonja whines about hostess dictatorship, as we shift to Carole and Bethenny settling into their mean-girl clique headquarters. Bethenny jabbers 100 mph, gushing over the love-fest she just shared with the first beaten to a weeping pulp cast member of the season.

We spend the next few minutes jumping between Sonja and Jules dishing about Bethenny, and Bethenny and Carole snarking about Dorinda. Jules finds it hypocritical to be hawking a skinny brand, while bashing someone for being skinny. Jules is worried about having to hide herself to avoid being mocked. She feels disconnected from Bethenny, whom she once called a friend — albeit a know-it-all shrew that clearly knows nothing about eating disorders. Dorinda is proclaimed an accomplished sh*t-stirrer, and Jules comments that it isn’t healthy to be around a Skinnygirl, who treats her fellow-skinnies like crap.

The ladies gather for dinner, and Ramona brings up the venue that hosted her horror of a holiday party. Sonja remarks that Ramona’s party blew, because Bethenny was running away from her, and the fashion was hideous. Bethenny assures us that she thinks that Sonja is an adorable whack-job, who is a darned good egg in her book. Sonja reminds us of her ongoing sobriety, Bravo flashes us some cooch, and we relive some good ol’ blackout drunk memories. Bethenny is thrilled that Sonja isn’t “smoky eye, updo in Gstaad-ing” anymore — and as long as she stays half-wasted, their friendship will be stellar. We flash back to drive in the party bus, and watch Dorinda morph into Jane Fonda for a tipsy aerobics class. It actually looks like fun — a jaw-dropping Season 8 development. Bethenny randomly demonstrates a full-out headstand, impressing everyone with her sneaky  skinny-spanx commercial. She and her pal, Splits Richards, should take it on the road.

Ramona complains that no one, aka Luann, answers their phone whenever her number pops on their caller ID. Sonja is jealous because Luann is ignoring her — shutting her out due to her raucous sex life. Sonja is officially becoming a bitter Betty, and I  am crossing my fingers that she falls off the wagon, for just one night. The ladies hit the casino, as Sonja gushes over her mended frenemy-ship with Bethenny. Sonja and Ramona take off on their own, grab some glow sticks and dance around like loons, and it’s like old times — but not really. It’s a nice try.

We skip the bus ride home, and find ourselves back in the city, with Carole and Adam. They offer the viewers a promo for their boring cookbook, and shoot the breeze about their vegan love. Carole throws shade at the other women’s relationships, while Grimy and Grubby proclaim themselves the happiest and most well adjusted couple on earth. They vow that even if they split, they plan to function as the most congenial exes ever. Carole rates their happiness an 8 and Adam gives it a 10 — especially when the herbs are plentiful.

We join Ramona and Sonja at a boutique, where Ramona is planning her next heist in the gaze of a saleswoman who is almost rolling her eyes.  Sonja gushes over her restored love affair with Bethenny, one that will hopefully score her a Season 9. Ramona suggests an engagement party for Luann, where they can all gather and toast to her happy news. Sonja says no way in hell would she host such an event, but Ramona is up for it.  Ramona can’t get ahold of Luann, and mentions texting Tom, to hunt Luann down. Sonja tries to stop her, but the text had already been sent. Sonja nonsensically labels the Ramona/Tom/Luann relationship a love triangle, and Ramona maturely shuts her down, clarifying the situation as a texting triangle.   

We next find ourselves at Bethenny’s place, where the mogul is busy snapping her dog in ski wear. Bethenny tells us about an upcoming ski trip to Aspen, where Bryn will learn to ski. Bethenny’s assistant reminds her that her own decision to ski may result in a dropped a clot in the snow. Bryn is excited about the trip, but Bethenny’s staff thinks that Bethenny should not be traveling in her bloody state. They believe that she is denial, and that she is indeed ill. Bethenny doesn’t care, and is going to haul her delusional fibroids to Aspen.

Dorinda and Ramona are meeting for tea, and Ramona catches the chief instigator up on the engagement party plan. Dorinda is bothered because she was the one who set the couple up, and is the only one on the cast who hasn’t boinked Tom. Dorinda believes that Luann’s feedback has revealed that she hasn’t appreciated Ramona’s snarky bitchery about her dream-lover. Ramona fibs about Luann’s mindset after Sonja’s “friends with benefits” fiasco, and after Dorinda’s summation, proclaims Luann a deliriously happy abuser. 

We then sit through a silly scene at Jules’ place, with a fancy potty-training expert, who is brought in to train little Rio. The pro babbles common sense advice, and Rio pees like a champ. Jules cracks jokes, especially happy that shady Michael is footing the bill for the poop-whisperer.

The evening of the party has arrived, and we begin by flashing back to  Dorinda talking to Luann — who demanded only the top sh*t-stirrer on the job. The group has returned to Black Barn, and everyone plays it safe, wearing their funereal best. Dorinda thinks that since no one hates each other anymore, they should take yet another trip — to Hawaii. Hawaii is perfect, because it’s warm, tacky, and has men on vacation for Ramona. They are super excited for great tans, and Dorinda is thrilled about the ginormous cocktails. They agree to cut the Tom-lust yammer before Luann shows up, but Sonja feels cheated. Luann should be mad at them — but is too darn happy to bother. Carole passive-aggressively shares that she is happy for Luann, because she has proven herself unbearable while she is single.

Carole embraces Luann upon her arrival, while boasting of her own  generous heart. Luann sits down, glowing in her happy news. Luann reveals the sparkler — a lovely 8 carat canary yellow diamond. Luann admits to dropping hints about her rock preference, as Sonja snarks in the background, dissing the ring — and between the lines, the engagement. Sonja’s jealousy is showing, as Luann describes Tom’s romantic proposal. Ramona behaves herself, at least pulling off fake happiness.

Carole gifts Luann with a heart-shaped crystal, a farewell to slutdom gift. The ladies generously toast Luann, while Sonja continues her snarky, jealous jabs. Sonja is happy — but is bugged about losing her benefits. She assures us that she is not the jealous type — until now. Ramona digs that Luann just likes the IDEA of blissful love, and if random notions make her happy, so be it. Luann’s engagement photo is simply fab, and I love how happy she is, even though she doesn’t know that she is dodging invisible daggers.

Next week, the gaggle is in a dither — because Tom is making an appearance. Watch the feathers fly!

 

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