RECAP: Little Women LA Season 5 Premiere “Spa Day Sparring”

We are back with Little Women: LA! But before we start the recap, let’s have a mini-recap of last season. Christy and Terra had that ridiculous fight over #glassgate. Briana married her loser boyfriend Matt. Elena and Preston are pregnant with twins. And Briana and Terra are also pregnant. This season will be filled with babies, babies, babies.

We join Elena and Preston as they visit a car seat specialist. Elena is pretty big, she’s gained 50 pounds at seven months, but is glowing. It’s recommended that Elena and Preston get lighter car seats than the ones they’ve already purchased. Elena is additionally stressed out by the fact that she might have to trade in her Mercedes for a more accessible mini-van, so Preston recommends a spa day with all the ladies. No stress there, Preston!

We visit Christy next who has changed her hair color to ash blonde and lost weight. No baby yet, but she and Todd are still open to adoption. As she and her mom sweep the floor, discussing the “concussion” Christy received four months earlier from Terra, a flashback of the incident is shown. Christy updates us that after she received her “brain injury” she decided to file a police report. But don’t’ worry, there’s more pain in her ass heart because Terra is still calling her a liar. Although Christy was really, really, really hurt by Terra, she dropped the charges. Wasn’t that big of her? But Terra says that “Crusty” didn’t drop the charges, it was the DA who dropped the charges. Bitches, please.

Up next is Tonya who is making room in her closet for a man. Last season, she reached out to Kerwin to take it up a notch, and he’s moving from Texas to LA to be with her. Terra stops by. She’s unsure if this is going to work out because Tonya has never lived with a man as long as she’s known her. Plus, Kerwin has said that Tonya can no longer have anything to do with her business partner, Jaa, since he had to give up his side-thang. And Tonya is considering this. Girl, don’t do it!

Jasmine and Terra go makeup shopping. Terra catches Jasmine up that they have not tested the baby yet for dwarfism and Jasmine catches Terra up that they are still trying to get pregnant. Next, they talk about spa day. Elena has now invited the men to join them afterwards for a nice dinner. Terra doesn’t want Todd and Joe to be at the same dinner table because that never goes well. And Jasmine doesn’t want to be around loser Matt either. So much for a stress free night.

Christy is home-schooling her daughter Autumn who was being bullied at school. But now she’s having boy problems. Mom doesn’t like that Autumn is 16 and her boyfriend is 19 and from London – though I don’t know what London has to do with anything. Is he going back? Problem solved. Anyway, Christy got pregnant at 18 so that’s where this is coming from. The two argue. Autumn proclaims, “I am almost an adult.” Christy says, without laughing, no you’re not. Then Autumn storms off, saying, “Screw you!”

So, after all that soul-searching, unfortunately Briana and Matt are still together. She’s very pregnant and they are house shopping. Matt gets emotional because he’s never seen a house so nice. He’s extra thankful that his baby mama has a great paycheck, can afford this, and has forgiven him for sexting tons of women. Matt promises Briana that if he screws up again, he will pack his bags and leave rather than embarrass her again. Okay, folks, place your bets. Episode 3? Episode 5? How long will it take for Matt to embarrass Briana? Briana tells Matt she doesn’t trust Matt 100% and Matt tells Briana she shouldn’t trust him 100%. Oh, snap!

Jasmine meets up with Jaa to discuss the end of their personal business relationship. Jaa is a little upset because it’s just business now and he wants to make the coin from their tee-shirt sales, but gets over is pretty quickly. Jaa hugs Jasmine, wishes her the best, and walks off. I’m not sure if that’s what Jasmine thought would happen.

Over at Terra and Joe’s place, Joe has lost 25 pounds! Joe wants Terra to find new friends and not go to the spa day. Terra assures Joe she has no intention of being friends with Christy again, but they still have to be in the same room together because, duh, they’re on a reality show. Joe says he’s not going to the spa dinner. Spoiler alert: Terra should have left Joe at home.

It’s spa day! Elena, Jasmine, Terra, and Tonya sit around in ill-fitting bathrobes. Terra asks Elena why in the heck did she invite Christy? Because Terra – it’s not always about you. In walks Christy and announces she has raunchy gossip about Matt, but cannot share it with anyone except Briana, so not to be a gossip. Seriously? Briana isn’t there yet. The ladies leave Christy behind to wait for Briana and go have their massages. Christy calls Briana, but she doesn’t pick up.

After the massages, the group calls Briana again, and again nothing. Jasmine corners Christy and asks for details on Matt. The details are – Matt is hitting on the transgender woman from Christy’s anniversary party, she says with a grin. Jasmine’s jaw drops. And here I thought we were going to make it to episode 3! When they tell the others no one is shocked at all. They’re tired of it. Elena just wants to go get pretty and go to the nice, relaxing, stress-free dinner.

While they’re getting ready, Matt sends a text to Elena that Briana is in the hospital and might be going into pre-term labor and he is crying. Terra calls bullshit on that because they would know by now if she were in pre-term labor. The women don’t know what to do. They know Matt is the source of Briana’s stress that may or may not be putting her into pre-term labor, but she has made her choice.

The men start arriving for dinner, and when Terra and Joe walk up, Terra trips. She’s okay but it doesn’t help when your husband says, “Why are you wearing hooker heels when you’re pregnant.” This should have been the red flag that Joe should leave. But at dinner he gets worse. After asking about Matt and Briana, the text is read to him, and Joe can’t believe Matt texted about crying. Joe compares it to giving an interview to TMZ. Christy whispers that Joe is drunk and she is going to leave.

For a guy who didn’t want to go, Joe should STFU. He gets downright rude, and though Christy deserves most of it, he crosses a line and ruins Elena’s night. Joe tells Christy to start drinking again and announces that Todd, who isn’t there, is married to a piece of $hit. Terra says she’s crushing on her drunk-man, but the others have lost their appetite.

This season looks to be a baby-filled blast of drama, drama, drama! Tune in next week when Jasmine has to face Matt in order to visit Briana.

 

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