RECAP: Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 7 Premiere — Teresa Giudice Is Released From Prison

They’re baaaaaack! It feels like it was just yesterday when we were gawking at a pre-shackled Teresa Giudice, trying to hold it together during her sixth Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion. Andy Cohen’s wish has now been granted — his pet diva is back on the job, and a wildcard season of Jersey tomfoolery has arrived. We begin where we left off, and witness Teresa and her chivalrous defender slinking away to Danbury. Only the glow of the paparazzi encourages them to keep hope alive, for a prosperous future of tacky relevance. Bravo jumps us ahead a year — it’s now the Christmas season in Jersey-land, two weeks before the reality felon’s triumphant return.

We check in with Melissa Gorga aka “meat,” who introduces her new business venture, a clothing boutique, called Envy. Melissa shares that the family has moved out of their lame rental and back into their book-less mansion. Stoking the ostentatious home fires isn’t doing it for her, so Melissa is proud that she is tackling this project on her own, along with business partner, Jackie. Joe is contributing by swaggering around, and  renovating the space. Joe and Melissa flirt awkwardly, as Joe kicks off his oversexed caveman routine. I have not missed it. 

We jump over to Jacqueline and Chris’ place, and see the difference a year makes in their sweet boy, 6-year-old, Nicholas. Jac and Chris’ autistic son has gotten huge, and has made great progress. He can ride a bike, read, and express love — for his family AND for donuts — a man after my own heart! We meet new cast member Dolores Catania, whom Jacqueline  describes as a big-hearted ball-o-fun, unless you piss her off — the creed of every Bravo hire. We hear that Jac’s daughter Ashlee is back in NJ and living peacefully, like the angelic daughter Jac never had. Jac and Dolores meet up with another rookie, Siggy Flicker, who is recovering from a face lift. Jac shares that Siggy emotionally uplifts her, sort of like the new girl’s freshly yanked-up face.

The trio shares plastic surgery gore, and we learn that Dolores is a single mom, striving to recover from a bad breakup. Dolores wants to renovate her home, along with her whole sad life.

We hop over to a pee-wee football game, where the T-Felon is mentioned for the first time. Gino scores a touchdown, as Grandpa Gorga cheers, while chatting about the upcoming holiday. Teresa has to seek permission from her probation officer to spend Christmas eve at her brother’s house, and Joe is worried that she might harbor some residual hatred for sprinkle cookies. T-Felon didn’t express much love during visiting hours in the clink, and freshly sprung inmates can be mighty touchy. 

The countdown is real — because now we sit 36-hours before Teresa’s release. The Giudices are decorating the house for Christmas, the Gorgas are baking, and Jacqueline’s family is rocking snazzy Christmas sweaters. The Laurita crew is adorable, especially because Ashlee has morphed from a teen-beast, into a stable adult. Chris shares that their finances have shifted dramatically, and that they have had to cut back on luxuries. We learn that they plan to sell their home, and of their desire to thank those who have offered support during their ups and downs.

We join Melissa and baby Joey, who is whining about Melissa being too demanding, especially outside the bedroom. Melissa notes that traditional values don’t go with being a “modern woman,” and I feel like I am sitting in dumbed-down time warp. The couple strategizes about how to behave when they see the T-Felon for the first time, and agree to keep things positive. Back at the Giudices, the kids are raising the roof with their noisy shenanigans, and Joe can’t wait for Teresa to come home to relieve him of the head-splitting nightmare. The kids make a cute “welcome home” banner, which is by far the most attractive piece in their gaudy gilded foyer.

The countdown continues, and we are a mere 24-hours away from Operation Freedom. Chris and Jacqueline are hosting an understated holiday party, and Jac drops the bomb that Teresa’s devoted lawyer sent a correspondence from his favorite client. Teresa is excited about being smack in the center of the town’s gossip sessions, and writes that she would like to start over with her old pal. Jacqueline snarkily recites the words, and dramatically wonders if she will ever figure out their inconsistent  relationship.

Bravo then forces us to look at a crotch-blurred naked shower sequence with lil’ Joe — as if seeing Teresa again isn’t punishment enough. Lenny phones in, and gives Melissa the good news that Teresa is free to gag sprinkles at their place on Christmas Eve. Teresa sends a friendly note to Melissa and notes the amusing cookie anecdote, as Melissa dramatically narrates the saga of their sisterly struggles.

The Lauritas’ guests begin to arrive, and we meet Dolores’ children. We see Kathy Wakile and her sister Rosie for the first time, as the guests mingle and enjoy the holiday spirit. Jacqueline tells Melissa that she received a note from Teresa, and that she doesn’t know how to feel about it. Melissa raises an eyebrow, and doesn’t mention that she also scored a penned nod. Melissa gently reminds Jac her that the friendship she shares  with Teresa is supposed to be over — just in case she had forgotten. Melissa slyly asserts that the note may make Jac “spin,” and that she is worried. Mel’s boob-pockets drive home the point that Jac’s emotional health is her unselfish concern — not annoyance that Teresa put her on the same level as a scorned frenemy,   

Teresa’s closest confidant basks in the spotlight next, as Leonard arrives to chat with Joe about Teresa’s first days of freedom. Lenny rambles on about Teresa’s future ankle bracelet, and how he plans to stay close, so she won’t escape in a reflexive shopping spasm. Joe is so happy that Teresa is coming home, because being married to four bossy nags has been like living in an estrogen hell. No more females after March — so cheer up Joe! Gia and her father squabble about the release-day school schedules, and glare at each other like a crabby wife shooting daggers at her drunk husband.

Back at the Lauritas, Siggy’s frozen face shows up, jabbering like a plastic surgery PSA. The ladies chatter about Teresa’s spotless record, and their shock at her clumped criminal whoopsies. Jacqueline makes a nice speech, thanking her friends, and wishing Teresa’s family good luck — because they will surely need it.

The countdown is over, and the big day begins by Teresa bitching to Lenny to fetch her some cappuccino. Teresa is on her way, excited to debut her natural mug to America. Teresa phones in en route, happily squealing like an unfenced piglet. Photographers are camped by the house and waiting, but Joe’s tattoos look like they would rather be elsewhere. Mama Gia flits from room to room, rousing the little ones from their slumber, to welcome their freed mother. Audriana is excited, but Gabriella looks annoyed by the cameras already. Gia awakens a snoozing Milania, whose “fat ass” (Gia’s words — not mine) is slow to get moving. Evidently jammies are unacceptable garb for the ‘Free at Last’ party, but the girls are sleepy, and slow to hup-two into some clothes. Milania screeches like a banshee at the paparazzi — definitely wide awake and obnoxious as ever. The car drives up to the house, as the suspense builds.

Teresa comes through the door, somehow managing a makeover on the way home. She enters the house, as Joe sends a “farewell to the single life” text, grunts, and drags to his feet. The happy girls swarm, and a surely culture-shocked Teresa is overwhelmed with emotion. The scene is genuine, but nevertheless annoying, because Bravo’s creative touches are contrived to elevate Teresa to some sort of maternal martyr — not a dirty flimflamming thief. Anywho—the kiddos are happy, and the two youngest score a day off from school. Gabriella passes — happy to be away from the brain-numbing squeals for a few hours. Teresa vows to never be “naive” again — and will not make the “same mistake” twice. Wipe away your tears Andy — she’s back.

Melissa says “things are changing in Jersey,”— but it all looks kinda the same to me. Until next week!

 

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