RECAP: Real Housewives of New York — Luann Slams Costars as ‘Bitches’ After Bethenny’s Insult

The Real Housewives of New York begins on a snowy day in NYC, at Skinnygirl headquarters. We’ve had a couple weeks off from the Skinnygirl product ram, so apparently the party’s over. Bethenny turns on her standup act, as she banters with her staff and hairdresser, glowing as if she is the most adored boss in the city. She’s wearing one of her adorably negative t-shirts she hawks on her website, as she gushes over a logo-stamped clutch that could double as a super maxi-pad.

Bethenny is launching chocolates—because no bloody anxiety will thwart the Skinny-machine. We listen to Bethenny jabber about the glorious friend Ramona has morphed into—and Bravo proves it, with a flashback of Ramona panting within inches of Bethenny’s fibroid-laden bed. Bethenny thinks it’s unusually amazing to have such camera-devoted friends, and feels comfy allowing them into her uterine drama. Her glam team makes her into a diva candy clown, the red wig strangely just what the doctor ordered.

We jump to Sonja and Ramona, who are meeting with a pro to update their dance moves. Sonja is the better dancer, especially because she has the sense to wear athletic shoes, and Ramona hasn’t hit the Pinot yet. Ramona puts on her self-appointed mediator hat, and informs Sonja that the cast can kinda stand her sober, but now hates the annoyingly love-struck Luann. Sonja charmingly tries to explain that Luann is tired of “banging away” and wants to settle down, but Ramona thinks that Luann’s incessant banging is self-absorbed.

We hop over to Dylan’s, where Bethenny is debuting her glam-clown persona. The black roots add a particularly garish touch, as the cameras pop and flash. Bethenny is a sad clown, because she has no family besides her faithful nag, who knows that it always pays to be proud of her Skinnygirl. Carole volunteers to accompany Bethenny to the hospital, and reminds her to not forget her clutch-pad.

Next we join Jules at an appointment with a plastic surgeon, who is excited to dive into a vaginal dream-job. Jules has disowned the mangled mess, but after a gory mirror peek, the doc assures her that he will restore her storyline, good as new.

We jump from gross to grosser, as we join Bethenny and Carole torturing Kevin with anxious jabber about her upcoming surgery. Bethenny has decided to seek a second opinion, but Carole warns her against itchy-ear doctor shopping. Bethenny’s vagina is famous in Manhattan, so she decides to strut her celebrity cooch into an internist’s office. Bethenny compares the doc to a gypsy fortune teller, really boosting her cred with the viewers. Bethenny is naively shocked that removing fibroids requires anesthesia and scalpels, so she loves the new, do-little doc. The internist believes that a mild dose of hormone and lots more bleeding may keep Bryn safe from “them,” and encourages Bethenny to keep that clutch handy.

We pop into Bethenny’s, where we find her building a manly fire and locking up her closet, before Ramona the klepto shows up. Bethenny’s fan club is gathering to gush over her rosy cheeks, and hear the latest fibroid flash. Bethenny again reminds us how fab Dorinda and Ramona have been through her bloody ordeal. The ladies arrive, and Ramona pep-talks herself through feeding the fire, squelching peeved feelings about being demoted to Bethenny’s servant. The women squeal over Bethenny’s renewed glow, as Bethenny lets them know that she has canceled the surgery. She begins to explain the saga, and Ramona butts in with gruesome diaphragm tales, which rival her icky 50-something meno-pregnancy scare. They agree that Bethenny is 100% right—even if she hemorrhages all over her white sofa. They discuss Luann’s  apology, which Carole decides is unacceptable and not genuine. Ramona assures them that she has the situation under control—and Carole stomps her foot in agreement. Everyone is annoyed that Luann is hogging Bethenny’s “I”—and that the Countess is so happy, that they all want to puke. Bethenny concludes that Luann is narcissistic and unlikable—and I have no words. Bethenny gifts Ramona and Dorinda with bathing suits, and Ramona’s suit immediately frightens me out of my drop-jawed state.

Dorinda joins Luann for a breakfast date, to pep talk her into caring about her fake TV friendships. Dorinda wants the girls to get together, but a disconnected Luann isn’t feeling well, and may bail. Luann assures Dorinda that she doesn’t care about the apology nag, or Ramona. Luann is not surprised that Ramona is two-faced, and cites reverting back to labeling her as uppity, as her safe zone. Luann believes that they are all jealous that her heart is so happy.

The evening arrives, and the women gather for the Luann showdown. Carole’s rocks extreme bell sleeves, and Bethenny’s Dynasty shoulder pads could tackle a bitch. Luann dishes that she has moved in with Tom, and that he is ring shopping. Luann shares details with Carole about the match-made-in-heaven romance, and is encouraged by her weak support. Sonja arrives, and is worried about facing Bethenny’s intimidating shoulders.We flash back to the verbal Tipsy evisceration in Bethenny’s office, and Bethenny proclaims Sonja sorta forgiven, since she effectively shunned her for over half a season. The ladies catch the latest cooch update, while Sonja shades Carole and Bethenny, labeling the duo spatting lovers.

The group chatters about sex, and Ramona enters, clutching her pearls on her ginormous implants. Luann confronts Ramona for being a nasty backbiter, and Ramona describes “other people” noticing her “surreal” behavior. Luann wishes that Ramona could be happy for her, and just forget all of Tom’s past floozies. Ramona nastily accuses her of stealing Tom from another—and Luann responds by noting that no friend would say the things that Ramona randomly pukes up. Ramona offers Luann armchair analysis, and Luann laughs it off as crazy-eyed BS. Ramona tosses her clip-ons around, dreaming of a day when she would possess the power to not utter the flawless truth.

Bethenny snarks that Luann, Sonja and sometimes Ramona tend to share the same men, and advises them to go married, to widen the dating pool. We remember the fun times passing around good ol’ Harry, then Sonja drops the bomb that she has been boinking Luann’s boyfriend for ten years. Luann is hurt, but insists that nothing they say will wreck her Tom-love. Luann is fine with sloppy thirds, because Tom is puttin’ a ring on it. Luann blasts her supposed “friends” for not supporting her happiness, and leaves in disgust. Ramona responds by shoving in a meatball, which at least finally shuts her up.

Next week confrontations go down—and Jules unloads on Bethenny. Can’t wait!

 

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