RECAP: Real Housewives of New York — Bethenny’s Alone; Luann’s Done Apologizing To Carole

The Real Housewives of New York begins with Jules arriving at a pizza joint, requesting a napkin pillow for her mangled cooch. Dorinda and Bethenny arrive, and discuss Jules’ battered vagina, as they wait for the other ladies. Carole and Ramona show just in time to get catch more gory  female banter, this time a description of Bethenny’s explosive blood flow. Bethenny talks about the Homegoods hemorrhage, and Carole shuffles around with an Eeyore look on her face, droopy over not being bestowed the honor of serving as Bethenny’s sidekick, on her doctor run. Bethenny laughs hysterically at the idea of Jules winning such a position, and Jules astutely notes that Bethenny is a humorous, though nasty hag. Ramona assures Bethenny that they are her family, especially without Luann and Sonja. The gals begin to assemble their pizzas, as Jules plots how to sneak erase-a-bite drugs into her dish.

Jules constructs an industrial sized calzone, annoyed that her strange behavior triggers banter about her mental illness. Jules says that she weighs 115 pounds, as Carole stares blankly, like she swallowed a handful of quaaludes on the subway. Ramona takes off, plate and all, as Jules and Dorinda step out for a cig break. Bethenny and Carole gasp over Jules’ lofty weight assessment, then Jules chokes down a nibble, like it’s a shot of cyanide. They hack into Jules’ calzone, which is stuffed with silverware — perfect for those who don’t care for the edible. Jules lists off her pharmaceutical goody bag, and Dorinda describes her pal as “wacky.” Carole advises Jules to cut the Adderall before she blows away, and Jules tells her to mind her own herbal beeswax. Jules jabbers away assuring Eeyore that she is happily medicated.

Heather Thomson and her cringing hubby, Jonathan, make an appearance, joining Carole and Adam for a random ice skating double-date. Carole loves hanging out with Miss Yummie—whenever Skinny-Spanx let’s her off her leash. The staged date is glorious fun, but the enthusiasm feels forced. Heather and Carole sit down to dish about the sizzle of dating a rather grimy herb-thrower, and we learn that the gummy bears are evidently wearing off. Carole relays the challenges of working with a dramatic food snob, and how a priss in a ponytail tends to thwart artistic progress. Heather suggests naked cooking—a truly nauseating suggestion. They gossip about Jules, as Heather tosses in that she had been texting Bethenny—probably not about shape-wear. Carole tells the freaky calzone story, and that she is worried about Jules’ bizarre behavior. 

We catch Dorinda popping in for a visit with Jules. Jules immediately offers her a nanny-made fish stick—and Dorinda looks skeptical. Jules complains about Carole’s hee-hawing, and Dorinda coaches her in the art of snark. Jules just wants people to puke up their criticisms, and not ramble or joke. She blasts Bethenny for being a nasty, rude bitch, and vows to not open herself up to someone so mean. Dorinda assures her that Bethenny is funny—and that it would be wise to learn and accept that now. Jules dabs her tears away over her hurt heart, noting that this bitchy cast doesn’t make dealing with motherhood, a half-sick dad, and a busted vagina any easier. Jules and her necklace always try to be happy, but they are clearly not. Jules spills to Dorinda that because Michael is done with her cooch, he left her to rot in the ER for six hours. Jules feels uncared for and undervalued, by a husband who obviously doesn’t care enough to master the skill of sticking a kid in a bathtub. Jules loved the hospital, and wishes that she could live there permanently. 

We shift gears, and join Bethenny, who is going to the doctor for a vaguely bloody reason. Bethenny chats with Kevin, her driver, who explains what pre-op means. We learn that Bethenny is scheduled for a fibroid flush, aka a myomectomy. Kevin prescribes bedrest and a gag. Kevin is like family, the kin responsible for cleaning up Bethenny’s lonely trail of bloody tears.

Bravo doesn’t let us forget Sonja, so we join the shunned one, who has been banished to her basement. Her interns and her neon orange dog chat about the underground hoard, deciding what to throw away and what to keep. Dorinda, filming friend to all, shows up to lend a hand, and share packrat anecdotes. Dorinda encourages Sonja to purge away, and bless the tacky folks in Queens. Sonja tears up over tossing her daughter’s junk, because it seems like throwing away her family memories. Dorinda drags her mood down even further, and asks if she had spoken to Bethenny. Sonja describes a few exchanges, believing that she is tipping their relationship into a positive direction. Sonja is hopeful, and is optimistic that she may even make it out of the basement next week.

We check back with Kevin, who is supporting Bethenny through a dramatic post-appointment meltdown. The doc is insisting on a living will, and the idea of Bryn landing with “THEM,” aka the Hoppy entity, is freaking her out. Bethenny’s lonely, and Kevin assures her that she will be chattering obnoxiously in his backseat in no time.

We join a little gathering that Luann has put together, to reconnect with the ladies, after emerging from her Tom love-den. Luann spills that they had been ring shopping, and Jules has happy news too, citing a more efficiently clenched cooch. Sonja is surprised that Lu and Tom are so serious, and wonders how she is going to fill the Tom slot in her schedule. Dorinda arrives in an odd disco-ball turtle-vest, just in time to hear Luann inviting the foursome to Palm Beach for a vacation. Ramona arrives, and we get a peek at Luann’s daughter, Victoria. Ramona explains that Carole had been talking to Eileen Davidson of the RHOBH, and is co-signing her stringent apology standards. Carole is waiting for some adequate groveling, and Ramona is under some delusion that she has been voted head Bravo mediator. We learn that Victoria likes Tom, Noel, not so much, and Alex’s wallet is thrilled.

Ramona pulls Luann aside, and informs her that she is on the outs with Bethenny and the Nag. Luann doesn’t care. Ramona lectures Luann, correcting her begging strategies, and Luann calls her demanding  nonsense, bul**it. Ramona calls Carole insecure, childless and droopy, and Luann responds by firing her as cast mediator. Meanwhile Jules is ranting about her eating sagas, and Ramona jumps in with the play by plays with Luann. Luann makes the episode, by declaring that Carole isn’t invited to Palm Beach, she is mulling over Bethenny, and Sonja is first on her list. KUDOS to Luann—and cheers to a potentially FUN trip!

Next week, more vagina monologues, a surgery, and Sonja drops a bomb about Tom. Until then!

 

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