RECAP: Real Housewives of New York — Bethenny Has a Health Scare & Cancels Mexico Trip

The Real Housewives of New York begins with Carole and her lookalike Baby, meeting up with a friend, and a herd of pups. There’s a doggy wedding in the works, and we are supposed be impressed by the prestige of a nonsensical  ceremony, arranged to raise cash for puppy mil rescues. Carole fusses over Baby’s fur, and poses the pup on a blow-up swan. The photo shoot is ridiculous, and Baby is scraggly but cute. The tongue-dragging celebrity mutt looks a little like Adam, which calms Baby’s nerves.

We leave the designer pups, and check in with Dorinda, who is meeting Jules at a boutique. They talk about the intense bitchiness of the cast, and the dire need for Sonja to kiss Bethenny’s ass, and stay sober—in that order. The ladies think that Sonja is a barrel of laughs, and want her back in Bethenny’s good graces. 

We jump over to Sonja’s, where her radiant sobriety is welcoming Ramona. Ramona is thrilled that Sonja isn’t tanked, and the ladies embrace, hoping to return to their old zany friendship. Sonja assures us that she can easily stay straight—which is more than she can say for her bossy bestie. Sonja wants to get in on the Mexico trip, but Bethenny thinks that Sonja needs to “acknowledge” something, aka beg her way back. Sonja wants to apologize to Bethenny, and hopes to open a vein at the doggy wedding.

We rejoin Jules and Dorinda, who want the whole cast to fiesta it up, in Mexico. Dorinda dishes about speaking to Tom’s ex the night before, who claimed that Ramona is lying about repeatedly dating Luann’s love. How the ex has such insider info, is anyone’s guess. Dorinda nails Ramona for “embellishing” her stories, and for not wanting happiness for anyone but herself. Dorinda warns Jules about drinking too much on cast trips, because being filmed as a raging lush can be embarrassing. 

Sonja hopes to make up with Bethenny, and is nervous that the Skinnybitch may verbally beat her into a prosecco puddle. She and Ramona role-play an apology, with Sonja playing the friendship beggar, and Ramona in the role of the frenetic, jabbering hag. The duo rehearses, and it’s a sweet glimpse into the old pals, who were once lightheartedly turtle-timing it on our DVRs. Ramona coaches Sonja on how to effectively emote groveling, and they work out a fake shtick to present to the Queen B. 

Bethenny meets up with her favorite fibroid, Carole, and shares that she is bleeding a ton of Skinnygirl red. A bum IUD has wreaked havoc on her girl-innards, and she will soon be seeing a doctor. Bethenny revisits her last bloody discussion—the exchange with the lady in the dazzling while pantsuit, aka, Luann. Bethenny thinks that the meeting was narcissistic and crazy, and decides that she doesn’t want to shell out the cash for someone as overjoyed as Luann.

Bethenny quotes Krazy Kelly Bensimon, and decides that hoebags like Luann and Sonja will not be invited. Carole notes that Luann is up Bethenny’s ass—and that she put out a mat, to welcome her there. Bethenny labels the Mexico trip “everyone’s trip”—unless you’re Tipsy, a hoebag, or happily in love. The pair toasts to a trip minus the obnoxious positive weight.

We sit in on a meeting with Jules and her icky mini-husband, Michael, where Jules lets us in on a sludgy new business venture. Jules is marketing a line of tonic drinks called Modern Alkeme. Jules is excited to show Michael, who is supposedly hearing about the endeavor for the first time. Jules hawked the drinks to an industry big-shot behind Michael’s back, and he jumped on board. Jules and Michael sample the drinks, as Jules rambles about needing financial independence, from her soon to be ex-husband. Michael snarks that Jules had been cheating with the Asian sludge-tonic, and Bravo editors pause, so the audience can collectively gasp. Jules wants Michael to be impressed, but Michael doesn’t get it, because he thought he was the only murky cheater in the family. Michael demeans her labor of love, and the couple is clearly splintered.

We find ourselves in Homegoods, apparently the new Bravo sponsor. The women stroll through the decorating paradise, as Bravo cameras shamelessly focus on individual department signs. The pair banters about Luann’s desperate and pushy existence, as we peruse perfectly shelved  poufs. Bethenny almost drops a clot on the empty Homegoods floor, as she shleps a stool to the register. The women decide to cut and bolt to the doc, and Dorinda almost loses Bethenny, as the Bloodygirl streaks out of the store.

We jump to Jules’ place, and meet her new, not-hot nanny, Maria. The nanny is fab because she is bilingual, fluent in both Spanish, and charades. Sonja arrives for a makeup-sesh, and is greeted with a gross story, complete with photos, about Jules’ newly mangled “coochie-coo.” Jules’ lady bits were injured while climbing in a window, but she leaves out why she was straddling such an aggressive window sill. The ladies get pampered, and banter about Sonja’s “The Apology” opener. We jump from gross to silly, because it’s the day of the big doggie wedding, and Baby is having pre-ceremony jitters—hopefully minus any carpet poop.

Bethenny returns from the doctor, and reveals that her out-of-control  bleeding revealed giant fibroids that need to be surgically removed. Bethenny talks over the three surgical options with Dorinda, one being a hysterectomy. Bethenny is shaken by the idea of making a life-changing decision, and I am shaken by Dorinda’s knee-less jeans. The Mexico trip is canned, because good female health trumps helicopters and caviar. Dorinda reminds her that hemorrhaging all over tequila factories might be bad for her brand—and Bethenny finally relents. The pair agrees that even Bethenny’s vagina is bitchy.

We arrive at the doggy wedding charity event, and the lush surroundings are bizarre. The women gather with their pups and marvel that they are participating in such silly lunacy. Sonja arrives, minus Rouge, who is socially anxious and embarrassing in public. Cindy Adams performs the ceremony, and the spectacle is utterly ridiculous. Dorinda fills the ladies in on Bethenny’s fibroids from hell, and that the tequila party is off. Ramona is upset that her vacation extensions won’t be swinging in the Mexican sun, but Sonja is just concerned about Bethenny. Sonja is annoyed that her opening night was postponed, and Jules reminds her that nothing says I’m sorry, like a couple of dozen cupcakes. Ramona hacks into the wedding cake, as the stupid event wraps. Déclassé.

Next week, Heather pops in for a visit, and Bethenny goes under the knife—see you then!

 

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