RECAP: ‘Sister Wives’ The Hawaiian Vacation Erupts [Season 7, Episode 9]

We rejoin the Browns in Hawaii, and with all the glory of the islands, TLC  kicks off the episode, by following the Sister Wives clan to a breakfast joint. Robyn reminds us that while Mormons shun coffee, their weirdo church just advises them to avoid the devil’s brew for their scale-tipping good health. TLC jazzes up the snoozy activity, by highlighting parking problems — maybe someone will throw up in the parking lot, to really draw the viewers in. Kody rambles and moans about the stupid crowded state of Hawaii, as Mare tries to lighten things up, by jabbing at his pissy mood in some fetching, white-stitched capris. Kody gets frustrated, but his parking-partner, Caleb, provides a muscular shoulder of understanding. Kody reminds the family that he is dumb as rocks, but that they have to listen to his stupid orders anyway. The family eats, then shifts to compelling decisions  about where to stick umbrellas, on the beach. We get a looksie at some Mormon-chic bathing suits, and two wives bleat “tag—you’re it” indicating who would be forced to listen to Kody’s blather. The family frolics in the surf, and they all have a ball.

Kody pulls Mare aside to talk privately, and the scene is painfully awkward. Kody shares about their hideous marriage struggle, and the catfish wakeup call, that sounded a lot like Meri’s recorded voice. Kody is being calculated in his speech with Mare, as kooky Gwen chimes in that Mother Mare is in truh—ble. Kody admits to acting less than impressed by Mare’s lame paintings, and now wants to fake-gush over her new artistic identity. Kody sputters that while he told her then that the paintings were cool, he has now gathered the courage to tell her that they are REALLY cool. Everyone loves Mare’s new painting passion — and hopes that it will keep her on the beam, and off the internet. Meri hopes that the paintings will remind them that she is there, and even if it takes until the TLC checks dry up, she will never release her symbolic grip on her wet bar. Kody explains that their relationship outlook is bleak, but hopes that as time passes, simple courtesy will grow into something more encouraging than loathing disgust.

Meri decides to play a rascally prank on Mariah, to joke her back into one of her most uncomfortable days with TLC cameras.  Meri decides to draw thick eyebrows on Breanna, herself and Janelle, as a prank, mocking Mariah’s nasty remark, about her drawn-to-look-victimized eyebrows. Mare just feels like teasing, and grabs Janelle to kill the prank, and that annoying team therapy project, with one pitiful stone. Janelle makes sure that this won’t make Mariah hate Meri more, then agrees. Mare is scandalously dressed in a tank top and short shorts, evidently acceptable in out-of-state cult circles. Robyn obnoxiously ruins their flashback fun, passive-aggressively congratulating them for being spontaneous—and she looks jealous. Janelle and Mare giggle though the nonsense, and Janelle is impressed that she actually engaged long enough to participate in the eyebrow shenanigans. They laugh hysterically at their comic genius, and Mariah initially blows them off, finally engaging long enough to throw back a half-hearted poop joke. Kody hears about the silliness, and his visor proves to be even funnier than Mare’s real eyebrows.

Caleb hauls home fish for dinner, then Maddie sits the family down, to lecture them about the wedding. She points, throws out orders, and asks Kody to officiate the big day. Kody looks blank, shocked that Caleb’s pastor father was not given the task. Kody is concerned about the legalities, but Maddie assures him that any asshat can perform a wedding in Montana. Kody is nervous, but Mare reminds him that he is a pro at podunk ceremonies. Kody wonders aloud how multiplying his love could result in these never-ending spawn weddings, as the wives giggle hysterically. Caleb sadly shares about cancer recently taking his mother down in a matter of months, and his dad’s inability to emotionally manage the ceremony. Janelle adds that Maddie and Caleb plan to honor his deceased mom at the ceremony, since “she couldn’t make it.”  Really Janelle?

The vacay rolls on, and the Browns are excited to ride the Hawaiian waves. They all take a quick lesson, before hitting the water. Christine tries to adopt the instructor, then TLC shows footage of the clan struggling to stand on surfboards. Aspyn is a pro, Kody manages, and Meri mows over Mariah. The family is festively decked out in matching, banana-hued tops. TLC ups their creative game, adding swirling underwater shots, and 50’s Moondoggy music. Christine gives us a tutorial of hip surf lingo, as Meri narrates the splash by splash moments of running over her only child — again. Christine thinks that the collision was super-gnarly, especially because Mariah remained conscious. Mariah rolls her eyes at Gidget’s apology, chalking up another reason to be peeved at her mom.

Speaking of beached, Janelle and Mindy#5 are sprawled on the couch, as Janelle scratches her head in bewilderment, sharing that their host is planning a family luau. She claims that she is excited, but her dirty apron looks otherwise. Mindy#5 wonders how the family will manage the pork-heavy festivities, and Kody scowls in response. Janelle drones on about observing the diet of Christ, under the guise of bringing dietary “spirituality” into their lives, and her sanctimonious tone is an utter joke. Last I heard, Jesus didn’t eat “mock” anything, serving dishes of tater tots, or fish sticks wrapped in tortillas. Janelle needs to have a wide seat — or two. Logan chimes in, noting that he can’t wait for a big slab of scrumptious pork. Kody acts like a baby, and tells them all to piss off with their pork-lust. Janelle clutches her pearls, but Christine notes if she just woke up once in a while, she would have caught Kody spitting out that sentiment many times.

A pig is roasted, served, and the most sleepy luau in Hawaiian history plays out. The boys enjoy handling the impaled pig, and scarfing the pork. The Browns muster the enthusiasm of lei-wearing slugs, and act as if they are attending Wilbur’s funeral. The family half-heartedly hulas, but they all look bored.

Mykelti approaches her mom, sits Christine down, and drops the bomb that she is fleeing the cult, because someone in pants, gave her a wink.  A shocked Christine shares that she thought that this whole St. George period would be nothing more than a brief pawn shop romp—a temporary rabbit trail leading back to her hyperactive bosom. Mykelti remembers her mom’s hysterically unstable reaction to Caleb and Maddie’s engagement, so she is disappointed by her stunned cringe. Mykelti is a “baby” at 19 — but Christine gushed that Maddie, at the same age, was the luckiest teen-bride in the world. Understandable — and indeed revealing the marked difference when one’s biological child’s future is at stake.

Christine is panicked, freaked out, and wishing she had one positive word to offer. Both women are surprised—but giggle away the idea of matrimonial prison. Christine can’t believe that the couple has dated five whole months—and wonders why her daughter isn’t barefoot and pregnant yet. Tony is a cool guy, and understands Mykelti, so ya know, good enough. Mykelti wants to get married quickly, but Christine is shell-shocked, and needs time to think. 

The season finale, “Tell All” or maybe say-nothing, is up next week. Janelle promised on Twitter that they “speak very openly” — if she can stay awake.

 

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